THE MISTS OF FOREVER

TITLE: THE MISTS OF FOREVER

FANDOM: Law and Order SVU

PAIRING: Alex Cabot / Olivia Benson

DATE: January 16, 2004 to November 23, 2008

FEEDBACK: Makes a girl happy!

RATING: Mature. If same-sex relationships bother you though, you might want to read something else.

LEGAL STUFF: Copyrighted 2008 by Adrienne Lee. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under "Fair Use" doctrine. The author reserve all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction; any similarity to characters or persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.

SPOILER: Post "Loss". There also might be other bits and pieces from various episodes.

Chapter 1

“Where were you?” Olivia demanded as soon as her lover pulled into the driveway and within ear shot.

Alex could see the grey cloud looming over the brunette’s head. Quickly, she got out of the car and joined her lover on the steps. “Why? Is everything okay?”

“I woke up, and you were gone.”

“I didn’t want to wake you. Besides, I left you a note.”

“You did?”

“Yes, on your night stand. I also told the staff…”

“Yeah, I know,” Olivia cut in. “Olga told me you took the car and went to the village. After I went looking all over for you. I even went to the tower, thinking maybe you decided to go check out the room.”

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Alex pressed a kiss to her lover’s cheek. “I’ll make sure I leave a note where you can see next time, like on my pillow or something. Don’t mope.”

“I’m not moping.”

Reaching out, Alex ruffled her companion’s hair. “Don’t you want to know what I did in the village?”

“Sure.”

“I got you a little present.” That wasn’t why the blonde went out in the first place. She had awoken, and felt like she needed some air; she didn’t know why she did. However, she was glad she had the foresight to bring back something for her lover. She pulled the paper bag from her purse. “Here.”

“What’s this?” Olivia weighed the container in her hand, measuring the familiar shape. “A CD? You got me a CD?”

“Not just any CD.”

“A Piaf CD?” She guessed with a surprised smile, remembering the music score Alex had shown her earlier. It would be a romantic gesture, one she had not expected from the no nonsense attorney. “With Bernard’s song on it?” She added hopefully.

“Just take it out.”

Olivia did as she was told. “You got me a Jessye Norman CD?” She couldn’t help but blurt as she flipped to the back, to check the tracks. “Jessye Norman,” she repeated with a light laugh, to hide her disappointment.

“Yes, Jessye Norman.”

“An American.”

“Yes, Liv, an American, singing some French songs,” Alex justified. “Anyway, I bought it because of this.”

Her eyes followed her lover’s finger. She blinked. “’I was born in love with you’? The Freddie Mercury song? Michel Legrand wrote that? Wait, that’s not same title, is it? Not exactly, right?”

Alex took the disc from her companion’s shocked hand. She peeled open the protective plastic wrap, balled it up, and stuck it in the brunette’s pocket. That earned her a sincere chuckle. “Here,” she removed the insert and found the lyrics. “Just read it, and not out loud.”

Almost hesitantly, Olivia reached out; her knuckles brushed brush her lover’s cheek. The heat she felt made her smile.

“Go ahead.”

She let her gaze drop. Hastily, she scanned the words. Then she went back over it, careful not to miss anything. Drawing a shallow breath, she looked up, and met her lover’s eyes. “Baby?”

“That’s how I feel, sometimes, when I see your smile, when we, when I hold you in my arms,” Alex explained, “I feel like I’ve known you, all my life.”

“Really? Seriously?”

“Maybe even forever?”

Chapter 2

“Wow.” Olivia didn’t know what else to say. She told her lover exactly that.

Alex lifted the corners of her lips. “You don’t have to say anything.”

She took her companion’s hand in her own. “But I do, I want to,” she said, feeling more than a bit overwhelmed. “I love you, you know that, right?” She asked and waited for the woman’s nod. “I’m sorry I got mad at you; and I’m sorry I got whiney about you being gone.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Liv.”

“I just…” Suppressing the urge to cling, she continued anyway, “We made love, and when I woke up, when I found myself alone, if I hadn’t been in a strange room, I would’ve wondered if I had dreamt it. You know? Sometimes you have a dream, and it seems so real, you feel disoriented when you wake up?”

“Yeah.” Alex laughed. “I used to get recurring ones about still being in law school, and being late for my finals. I’d wake up with my heart pounding, and it’d take me a few seconds to remember I’ve been out of school for ages.”

Olivia smiled a small smile. “You’ll think it’s stupid, and it is stupid, but sometimes I want to pinch myself, just to make sure.”

“If you ever feel that urge again, tell me, I’ll be more than happy to help.”

“I’ll bet.” She wrinkled her nose and held her lover’s fingers at bay. “S’Okay, I’m wide awake.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes, Sweetheart.”

“Good,” Alex replied. She let out a gentle sigh and laid her head on the detective’s shoulder. Then the woman shifted to encircle her in an embrace; she smiled and snuggled in closer. Somehow, she felt suspended in the moment; and if she could, she would contain it in a bottle.

Finding the silence distracting, Olivia exhaled softly. Then she picked up the CD and read through the titles again. “The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, have you seen it?”

“With Deneuve?” The actress brought back memories of their last night in Paris for the blonde. She whispered with a smile, “Yeah.”

“It’s so sad.”

“Mm.”

“Good song, though.” When her companion remained silent, Olivia continued. “If I had to pick one, it would be mine for you. But with a happy ending,” she added, then observed, “Not feeling very talkative?”

Alex drew in a deeper breath and stretched. “Just, maybe a little tired. It’s been an exciting day.”

“Wore you out? I’m sorry…”

“Liv,” she scolded lightly and shook her head. “It’s not that.”

“No? Dang, I’ll have to try harder.”

The glint in her lover’s eye made Alex laugh. “Stop it!” She warned and gave the woman a small shove.

“Hey, you, watch it.”

“Why? What are you going to do?”

“Ravish you on these steps?”

“Hah,” Alex managed, batting at the brunette, to stop her wagging brows. “What are we doing for dinner?”

“Changing the subject?” Olivia grinned, loving the playfulness. She captured her companion’s hands. “You know you could be dinner…”

“No, Liv. No!”

“Why not?”

“’Cause.” Alex ceased struggling. Once more, she rested her cheek on her lover’s shoulder.

“’Cause what?” Olivia asked, while gathering the woman near.

The blonde sighed. She laced her fingers around her knees, and pulled them in. “You wore me out,” she admitted with closed eyes.

The confession pleased Olivia. She brushed her lips against fair tresses. “That’s what I wanna hear.”

Chapter 3

“So what do you wanna do now?” Alex broke the silence by asking.

“I thought you wanted dinner?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I’m really not that hungry. A snack would suffice.”

“Are you okay?” Olivia furrowed her brows. Her lover could never be accused of gluttony, but seriously, when was the last time they ate? Then she remembered how warm the woman’s face had felt earlier. “Wait…”

Alarmed by the detective’s tone, Alex jerked away. “What are you doing?”

“Hold still,” Olivia insisted. She placed her hand, then her cheek against her companion’s skin. “Your temperature feels normal,” she had to admit.

“I’m not sick, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“You look kinda pale though.”

“I usually do, Liv.” Alex fought the desire to roll her eyes. “And it’s getting dark, how can you tell?”

“You’re so pale, you glow?” Olivia said, hoping to be amusing. When she failed to make her lover smile, she reasoned instead, “Maybe we should hit the sack early.”

“Well, you need to eat.”

“I can grab something from the kitchen. Anyway, I don’t feel like sitting down with everyone either.” She saw through her lover’s reluctance.

“They’re going to think we’re anti-social.”

“We’re tourists, Sweetheart, and on vacation.”

“Not exactly, at least not for me.” Alex bit down on the cushion of her lower lip. “I doubt I’d qualify as a visitor.”

“Probably not,” Olivia agreed. Then an idea struck. “Blame it on me, then, or on love, us being crazy in love. They’ll think it’s terribly romantic. I’m sure they’ll excuse you.”

Alex shrugged again. “Anyway, I still want to check out the room.” She pulled the key from her pocket and cradled it in her palm. “Now that we’ve got this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah?”

“We don’t know what’s in there. Could be a crap load of stuff, and you said you’re tired.” Olivia tried, even though she doubted her lover would listen, “I think we should wait ‘til tomorrow, after you’ve had a good night’s sleep.”

“I think we should go look. It may be an empty broom closet for all we know.”

“Right.”

“Maybe there’ll be more diaries or photo albums, things we could take back to our room and go through together,” Alex appealed to her lover’s fascination, then she added, “You know you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“Right. And who’s going to make sure you go to bed, or lug the stuff you want?”

Alex grinned. “I’ll manage.”

Olivia smiled. She stood and held out her hand. “Let’s just go.”

Chapter 4

“Wait,” Alex said, and pulled her lover towards the car. “I need your help carrying this up,” she said, motioning towards the passenger seat.

“Oh? What else did you buy?” Olivia lifted her brow at the cardboard container. “More surprises for me?”

“No. Bug spray.”

“What?”

“I bought bug spray. They apparently don’t keep any here.”

“I imagine they bring in exterminators,” Olivia offered as she picked up the box. “Jesus. Kind of heavy for bug spray.”

Moving towards the door ahead of her lover, Alex explained, “Got all they had. And the proprietor recommended some other chemicals. He said to just sprinkle them around.”

“Did you say you got all they had?”

Alex looked back. “Yeah?”

Mentally, Olivia shook her head. Unfortunately, she couldn’t contain her snicker. Ignoring the blonde’s glower, she asked, “Take it you got rat poison, too?”

“Nope.”

“No? Got traps instead, huh?” Considering the prospect of emptying them, the detective wrinkled her nose. “S’okay, I’m used to handling corpses.”

“They only have the archaic ones.”

“Meaning?”

“The kind you see in Tom and Jerry cartoons.”

“Okay…” The detective tried to understand. She watched as her lover conversed with Henri, who had appeared to hold the door open. Soon they were alone again, at the stairs, and Alex began climbing without a word. Olivia couldn’t resist; she prompted, “So what’s with the mouse traps?”

“What’s with them?”

“Why didn’t you get any?”

Audibly, Alex sighed. She straightened her shoulders and turned back at the landing. Reluctantly, she met inquisitive brown eyes. “I didn’t want to kill them, if there were any, and I doubt it. It’s not like there’s food in there.”

“Could be a breeding ground,” Olivia speculated. She was surprised when the blonde merely shrugged. Then her lover started walking again. “Here you’re ready to wage chemical warfare,” she ventured, while hurrying to catch up, “With little bugs, but you don’t want to kill rodents? They’re covered with germs and they carry diseases.”

“Just drop it, okay, Liv?”

“Why?”

“If there are even rodents in the room, they’re probably just little field mice who came in for shelter and stayed. Think American Tails, not dirty city sewer rats,” Alex said, and headed up the narrow flight that led to the tower.

This time, the detective was too perplexed to laugh. “Sweetheart?”

“We get them at the hunting lodge. Perfectly harmless, actually kind of cute,” Alex elaborated. “I used to try to catch them and let them out before my dad or Edith saw them, and Ling, too. She hates them; she could step on a roach with her shoe, and I’m talking about one of those big ugly city roaches, but she wouldn’t go near a cute fuzzy little field mouse.”

Shaking her head, Olivia teased, “How ever did you hunt?”

“I don’t anymore.”

Instinctively, she realized her question had hit home. “But you were shooting Bambi’s?”

“I never did. But it had to be done,” Alex justified. “Cull them, I mean. Otherwise, they’d overrun the land.” That was what her father told her, what she told herself, when she killed the Thumpers. ”Anyway, enough Disney references. We’re here, finally,” she said, and slid the key into the keyhole.

Olivia decided to let the subject drop, at least for the time being. She shifted the box and freed her hand. “Here, you should let me go first, just in case. By the way, did you get a flashlight, too? We’re going to need it.”

“I’m sure there’s a light in there. Electricity’s been around.”

“Yes, but the bulb could be dead.” Olivia kept her smile. “We’ll cross that bridge when we have to, right? So, we ready?”

“Just do it,” Alex insisted, and held her breath. Her blood rushed in excitement when the door was finally open. Easily, her lover found the switch, and light flooded the room.

Chapter 5

There it was again, that funny little noise that sounded like the strangled yelp of a kitten, not that Olivia had actually heard it before, but that was the only description the detective could come up with. Another, followed by yet another. “Bless you,” she said, chasing after each one.

“Dankyou,” Alex replied. “God,” she added, sounding increasingly stuffed up. “Jesus Chri,” she managed, before letting out another string of sneezes.

Just how many times must one say ‘bless you’? Olivia wondered. Enough was enough. “Please,” she said, “You’re killing the poor little cat. Hell, I think you’ve killed the whole litter,” she added with a toothy smile.

“Wad?”

She ignored her lover’s half-confused glower. “That’s what your sneezes sound like, little kittens choking on their mother’s milk, or something.”

“Dat’s nod funny.”

“Not as funny as the way you talk, that’s for sure,” Olivia blurted. If the stubborn blonde decided to beat her over the head for the remark, so be it. At least she would try to run out of the room and maybe her lover would follow. And they’d both be free from the dust monster.

“Shuddup.”

“Alex, Sweetheart,” Olivia tried again to reason, “Let’s come back tomorrow, after we’ve had someone up here to vacuum and clean. Isn’t this house-keeping’s job?”

“I dunno.”

She could see her lover was wavering. *Finally,* she thought, and fortified her argument, “Sure you do. And you know everyone would feel awful if they found out what you’re doing, and how you’re suffering, because you…” She didn’t get to finish. “Bless you,” she said again, and contemplated bodily picking the woman up, and… “Bless you!”

“God…”

“Come on, Sweetheart, every time you move something, you set off another cloud. Look,” she pointed at the white dots twirling under the light. “Look at all the dust you’ve stirred up.”

“But, Liv...”

Her name became a four-beat syllable that ended in another yelp. Olivia shook her head. Her lover was miserable; and she was beginning to sound whiny, which she very seldom did. This, however, also told the detective she was closer to getting her way. “Sweetheart,” she said sternly, “Look, we’re running out of tissue.”

“You could…”

“I’m not going down to get you a fresh box.”

“You’re mean.”

Ah, name calling. How mature. Olivia stifled her grin. It was too early to let her triumph show, she knew from watching too many trials – whichever side smiled first usually lost the case. The virtuous, blameless and honorable simply could not be seen as cocky. “Ouch,” she pretended to be wounded. “You know I only have your best interest at heart, and you know I’m right.”

Alex sighed loudly and looked around what seemed to be the family archive. “Dere so many… papers… and tings…”

“And you’ll never be able to go through all of them, even if we don’t sleep or eat or do anything else for the next week. You’ll have to quit your job and move here, and spend the next ten years in this room.”

Again, Alex sighed. “Guess you’re right.”

The defeat in her lover’s grey blue eyes didn’t make Olivia happy at all. “At this rate,” she said, her arm swept across the small towers on the floor her lover had created, and all the still cramped shelves. “We’ll,” she stopped, and made a visible show of changing gear, so her concession would seem more genuine. “You know what? Pick a couple of boxes, and I’ll wipe them off and bring them down.”

“Huh?”

“Pick three or four. Hell, pick half a dozen,” Olivia offered quickly. “I’ll just make extra trips. This way, you’ll have enough to go through while the staff come in and do their stuff in the morning.”

“But… so many… I dunno wich…”

“Exactly, Sweetheart, there are so many, it won’t matter which ones we take first.” Another sigh from the blonde, this time of resignation, signaled Olivia’s victory. “You know what? Do you want pictures or papers? Or both?”

“Both?”

“Okay.” She placed her hands on her lover’s shoulders and guided her out the door. “You go downstairs and get cleaned up, so you’re not tracking dust into our bed. I’ll make sure I grab a good sample. I promise.”

Chapter 6

Out on the landing, Olivia waited. She watched her lover descend the stairs, blowing a kiss when the woman looked up, and exchanging a smile. Only when she no longer heard footsteps did she turn back into the room.

For a long moment, brown eyes scanned the area, taking in the sight. The space wasn’t big, at least not compared to the rest of the chateau. Fourteen by fourteen maybe? Just large enough for a bed and a vanity for an ill-fated princess trapped in a dark Medieval fairy tale, or for a sentry or two or three to keep watch during the 100 Year War. However, sometime during the last century or two, judging by the familiar woodwork, an owner had installed library stacks. And they and their descendents had filled the shelves with paper, presumably important papers, and not just random household receipts. And it was Olivia’s job to figure out which boxes Alex should go through first. **Damn.**

How to do it? Olivia wondered. There were so many. She supposed she could pick from the small towers Alex had already made on the floor. But the detective was curious; she wanted to know what the other boxes contained.

So she decided on the time tested method: “Eenie meenie miney mo, I don’t wanna let you go…” Before she moved onto the next ‘eenie meenie’, she stopped. There had to be a better way than this. Otherwise, she’d be here, singing the stupid song all night.

There had to be some system of filing, perhaps by date. Alex had chosen arbitrarily. Or perhaps not so arbitrary, Olivia suddenly realized. Before, she was worrying too much about her lover’s sneezing to notice. Now she saw the gaps on the shelves, at first fairly evenly spaced out, then slowly clustering. A closer inspection yielded names, ones she wasn’t familiar with. No doubt generations of d’Estins and their spouses, people entombed in the chapel. Some other labels contained only dates. Some of which seemed like some sort of company records. “These people took their retention policy seriously, eh?” She joked to herself and moved on.

Curiously, most of the markings were made by the same hand, firm, but elegant. All the i’s were dotted, and the t’s crossed, even the accents were in the right places. Olivia compared the handwriting she had seen before now. It wasn’t Michelle’s, nor whoever wrote the other diary she was reading. It could be Alex’s grandmother, or her brother, but both choices seemed unlikely. That left Bernard.

Did the man devote his free time to this project? At his wife’s request perhaps? Olivia blinked. She didn’t know if she should be amazed or appalled. Finally, she decided she was touched. Even more surprisingly, she felt a kinship. She could see herself dedicating her time researching Alex’s family history, because of its richness, and because she didn’t have one herself. After all, wasn’t she here right now, completely fascinated and ready to go through every musty box?

The thought reminded her of her task at hand.

*Suppose the containers decay and had to be replaced,* Olivia’s detective brain answered the hanging question while she moved towards the cluster of empty spaces.

The early twentieth century dates caught her eye, and then names, or rather, names that were skipped by her lover.

“Hmm…” Olivia peeked into a box marked with a string of names which included Etienne and de Lorraine and based on the dates, the owner was Michelle’s brother. It would make sense that Alex had bypassed the container; she didn’t know the man. However, for some reason, the detective felt drawn to it. So she pulled the container off the shelf. Near the door, she sighed at the unopened crate of bug spray, and began her own stack.

From then on, she applied the same method, grabbing boxes she thought were calling to her. Gut instinct, she trusted, and worked efficiently to build the towers, cleaning the dust off with the remaining tissues as she went. Soon, she had three, and that was when she decided to stop.

Chapter 7

Quietly, Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and watched her lover sleep. A myriad of thoughts shifted through her consciousness. She didn’t try to stop them, even though they were embarrassingly sentimental, especially for a supposedly cynical, hardened NY cop who had seen the worst of humanity. Maybe it was true, that without bad, people wouldn’t recognize good. If she had grown up in happy suburbia with two parents, 1.5 siblings and a pet, would she be the same person she was now? Would she see their love and know the preciousness of what they had between them?

Who would she be anyway? A good person, she was sure. She would likely follow her parents’ footstep, and have a career in academia… somehow she was certain her mother would’ve married someone steeped in the ivory tower, if things were different. Olivia Benson would be a nice person, probably not horribly exciting, maybe even boring. Would Alex still find her attractive had circumstances made her different?

If they had been together forever, and were meant to spend forever together, if they were born in love with each other, it would be logical to believe that they would find one another, and be compelled to love the other, no matter who they were. Right?

Logic. Olivia chuckled lightly as she thought about the last few days. Reason, common sense used to be her rock, now they seemed to be turning into pillars of salt. She looked back in her mind’s eye at the boxes she left just inside the door. Would they find other things in there that defy reasons?

Suddenly, she felt a chill. Her focus returned to her lover. Should she wake her? If not, she should at least try to get her under the covers. But she was lying in such an awkward position; she would end up with uncomfortable kinks in the morning. “Sweetheart?” She called softly.

When Alex didn’t respond, she tried again, “Baby? You need to wake up. Baby?” She placed a hand on the blonde’s shoulder and shook it gently. Then harder. Again.

“Sweetheart?” She heard her voice rising, and felt her panic escalating. It was unfounded and illogical, she reminded herself, and forced it abruptly away. The gesture, however, also propelled her to her feet. Now she was leaning over Alex’s side of the bed and attempting to straighten her limbs.

Finally, the woman stirred. Olivia felt relief settling into her bones when blue eyes blinked open. Okay, Alex was right: she needed therapy, or at least to get a grip somehow. “Hi,” she said with a smile, hoping she didn’t look as stupid as she felt.

Alex blinked again. “Liv?” She said, furrowing her brows.

“Sweetheart?”

“Was I asleep?”

“Seems that way.” Olivia laughed. “You were in bed. Anyway, I tried to wake you, so you could get under the covers. I was feeling a draft.”

“I don’t remember falling asleep. How long?”

Olivia shrugged. “You were like this when I came in, maybe half an hour ago? I don’t know. Didn’t keep track. Just watched you sleep.”

“Why?”

“Why didn’t I keep track? Time didn’t seem important. We are on vacation,” Olivia offered, knowing that wasn’t what her lover asked.

Seeing through the brunette, Alex smiled. She just shook her head, and pulled her arms and legs to a more comfortable alignment. “Ow.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Stiff.”

“That’s also why I was trying to wake you. You didn’t look very comfortable.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” Olivia smiled. “Now that you’re awake though, you might want to sit up, at least for a little bit. Somebody’s bringing the rest of the boxes down.” She gestured towards the door. When she saw that her lover had seen the two she left, she continued, “And also some food up for us.”

“But I thought you were…”

“I was going to, but I ended up pulling down almost a dozen boxes.” The brunette explained. “I needed a cart or something. But when Olga insisted on getting someone, I agreed. Then she asked about dinner, and I told her we’d take it in our room. I figured you’d be worn out, after all the excitement and the sneezes.”

“Yeah.” Alex nodded. She tested her muscles, and stifled a groan. “I’m not sure I want food,” she said, accepting her lover’s help and sat up against the headboard.

“You should eat. You still sound like a frog.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Seriously, your body needs fuel. Let’s just hope you’re not coming down with…”

“Don’t say it, Liv. I’m not.”

“I’m sure you’re not.”

Chapter 8

Throughout dinner, Alex remained quiet. Olivia was glad that her companion had at least eaten. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder, and she had to ask, “How you feeling?”

“Okay.” Alex shrugged, her attention focused on the stack of photographs in her lap.

“You sure?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“You just… you seemed distracted? Maybe? Earlier, I mean?”

Swallowing a sigh, Alex looked up. She leaned back against the headboard. The support against her shoulders felt good. “I was just thinking,” she replied casually.

“About?”

“It’s not important,” she said with a smile. Then she lowered her head again.

Olivia let the silence return for a little while. She tried to center her attention on the box before her, going through the papers, checking inside letters to separate any photographs or special enclosures, and putting those into a separate pile. She was about to ask again, when Alex spoke.

“Nothing?”

“Not yet, Sweetheart. I’m sure there are many pictures of you in here. We just have to find them,” Olivia supplied. “I still can’t believe they saved every letter. Suppose you could save everything, when you don’t live in a shoebox apartment and space isn’t an issue.”

“I feel like a voyeur,” Alex commented with a light laugh.

“Why? They’re just correspondence between your parents and your great-grandparents.”

“Exactly. My parents.”

“Okay…”

“I should really just pack this up, and send it back to my mom, or at least call and ask her if she wants the stuff back.”

“But you’re not going to.”

Blue eyes twinkled. “Not before we’ve gone through them.”

Olivia shook her head and smile with her lover.

“It’s like when I was a little, and playing with my mom’s makeup,” Alex offered. “I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I just couldn’t help myself.”

“Like getting into the cookie jar when the adults are not around,” Olivia recalled. The long neglected memory surfacing and warming her smile.

Noticing the change in her lover’s voice, Alex looked up. “Did you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar a lot?”

“No,” Olivia replied, suppressing her growing grin.

“No?”

“Really wasn’t much of a cookie eater.”

“Not a cookie eater? What kind of kid were you?”

“They were more like little cakes, what I used to like a lot.”

“Ah, so you liked sweet baked goods still.” Alex smiled, imagining her lover as a child, with frosting on her face.

“Of course I did. Don’t all little kids?”

“And grown cops.”

“So true…”

The women let the lull linger. Then neither could resist, “So,” they both said at the same time. Olivia offered, “You first.”

“Two things: Are you ever going to give me a baby picture of you?” Alex seized the opportunity. “And let me remind you, you still have that embarrassing one of me on the bear rug.”

“Okay, what’s the other thing?”

“What about the first thing?”

“Soon, I promise,” Olivia smiled reassuringly. “Now the second?”

When the detective made a promise, Alex was confident she would keep it. Now she was torn between finding out when, and asking her next question. Was it something her lover would rather keep to herself? But it seemed like a happy memory; there was no harm asking about that, was there? “Just wondering… and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but you had a faraway look earlier, then you were all smiles.”

Olivia was prepared to share; in fact she was hoping the blonde would ask. Maybe talking about it would solidify the memory, and make it more real. “Just remembering watching my grandmother making the little cakes, she would show me how to mix the flour, and the eggs, and the sugar and stuff. And she would let me lick the frosting from the spoon when we were done.”

“That was sweet.”

“Yeah, it was.” Considering Serena Benson didn’t think her daughter should be eating all the sugary things, and the cake-making only happened when she stayed with her grandparents. But she left that part unsaid. She left the recollection exactly where it was, and returned to the present. “So, my turn,” she said, without braking her smile.

Chapter 9

“All right, your turn,” Alex agreed with an expectant smile. She tried not to speculate on what her lover might ask or say. After all, if they were to spend the rest of their lives together, she really shouldn’t guard her every step, or feel the need to.

“Why exactly are we looking for pictures of you? I thought you said they died before you were born. And I thought you said nobody…” Olivia stopped and arched her brow at her companion’s laughter. “What’s so funny?”

“Wondered when you were going to say something.”

“What?”

“I could’ve been wrong, you know?”

The woman was rarely wrong about anything. The detective regarded the blonde and saw the bright twinkle in her eyes. She laughed, she couldn’t help herself. “Is this some sort of a test?”

“Some sort of a test?”

“Like how far you could lead me by the nose?”

“Why would I do that?”

“So you’re not denying,” Olivia observed and got a wide smile in response. “Oh, I’m gonna get you, one of these days.”

“Wooo.”

She could only shake her head and smile back. “Why do you like playing with me?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“You’re fun to play with?” Reaching out, Alex grabbed her lover’s shirt, pulling her in and kissing her on the tip of her nose. “You’re such a serious cop about everything.”

“But that’s who I am.”

She shook her head. “That’s your job. I want more.”

There was a point in this exercise, somewhere, Olivia reckoned, and she was supposed to figure it out, somehow. However, the blonde’s kisses, which had moved down to her lips, were making it difficult for her to think. “More?” She said, for verification or as a request, she wasn’t sure. And she felt off-balanced when her lover let go. She wanted to lean in; she felt the urge to lay her head in the woman’s lap. Finally, she yielded, the pull too strong to resist. She couldn’t understand the feeling; she smiled when slim hand stroked and cradled her cheek.

“No hard feelings?”

“You know I don’t.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Being you?”

“Being me? But, Baby, you just said… Okay, I’m confused.”

“Sometimes you think too much.”

*And sometimes clearly not enough,* Olivia thought. “Maybe one day I’ll catch on?” She whispered and found reassurances in her lover’s gentle smile. She sighed, and adjusted her head, and relaxed into the warm, comfortable haze.

Chapter 10

“How odd.”

Olivia snapped out of her haze and raised her eyelids. Her lover’s furrowed brows made her pause. “What is it?”

“Look at this,” Alex said, and waved the photograph at the brunette.

“Can’t see when you do that. Just let me…” The sentence died when Olivia saw the image. It was Celine, from many years ago. Maybe it was true; maybe Bernard and Michelle really did die when Alex was an infant. But the baby’s coloring was wrong, she noticed. “Huh,” she could only say while her lover snatched the picture from her hand.

“Wonder who my mother was holding.” Alex squinted.

The detective suspected the answer; she shrugged and provided instead, “Not one of your cousins?”

“Could be, I suppose. She does kind of look like my grandmother, my father’s mother.”

“The baby?”

“No, my mom. Of course the baby,” Alex replied. If she didn’t know better, she would say her companion sounded surprised.

“Oh, so it’s a cousin on your dad’s side? It’s just, it’s kind of weird. That your mom’s in a picture holding your cousin,” Olivia said before she could catch herself. “Or maybe it’s one of her friend’s baby? Maybe a friend that your great-grandparents knew?” She pulled from her hat, hoping it was a good enough save.

“Don’t think so. She looked like a Cabot.”

“How could you tell? Babies look like everyone.”

“No they don’t. Anyway, she has my grandmother’s eyes, and her hair,” Alex justified, her eyes fixed on the portrait. For a long moment, she remained silent, biting down on her lip. Finally, she voiced her question, one she had kept to herself for a time. “You think they would tell me if I had an older sibling? Like maybe a sister, who died before I was born?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I just have this feeling. Maybe like you’ve shared a space with someone? I don’t know how to explain it.”

“And you’ve never talked to your mom?”

“No.”

“Well, maybe you should? And you could show her the picture.”

“Or maybe I should just leave it alone. If she wanted to tell me, she would’ve.”

“Don’t you think you have the right to know?” If she had an older sibling, rather, if her mother had had another child, she would want to know. She would have all the right in the world to have known him, or at least to know of him, Olivia thought. Or her, she added.

“Why? It’s got to be hard losing a child, especially one you bear to term… if, if this really was my sister… Why bring back the sorrow for my mom? It’d just be selfish of me.”

“But what if your sister didn’t die?” What if she was just mistaken as a lovechild, because of one parent’s shame and the other parent’s blame, and put up for adoption? Talk about the tragedy of error, Olivia held back.

“That makes no sense. Then I would know her. I would’ve had an older sister growing up.”

Alex seemed so sure that Olivia didn’t argue. After all, what the woman said was perfectly logical, more so than the truth. “You’re right. So what are you doing with the picture? Keep it?”

“Put it back where we found it.”

“You really are not gonna say anything?” Olivia asked. Her lover’s action provided the answer as she watched her put the photo back in the protective envelop and return it to the stack.

Chapter 11

For a long while, Olivia remained quiet, merely watching her lover thumb through the yellowing pages. She wondered what was going through the woman’s head, as she felt guilt lifted from her own conscience. At least now Alex knew the truth, albeit a half-truth; and maybe someday she would change her mind and ask her mother, and the whole truth would come out. In any case, the detective was confident she should leave well enough alone. “Want any help,” she asked.

“Only if you insist.”

Olivia thought for a moment. With reluctance, she began shifting from the warm pillow of her companion’s lap. A gentle hand against her shoulder stopped her.

“You can stay, if you want.”

“Your leg’s gonna fall asleep.”

“Too late.”

“Oh, Baby,” she almost leapt from her position. “Why didn’t you say something?”

Alex shrugged and smiled. “You looked comfortable?”

“Sweetheart.”

“I’m sure your legs had fallen asleep many times from me laying on you, and you never said anything.”

Guilty. Olivia argued, “That’s different.”

“How?” Alex asked when her lover relieved the papers from her hands and began putting them back into the box. “What are you doing? Be careful…”

“I know. I’m not going to mix them up. See?” Olivia pointed to the staggered envelopes. “You can start back right here.”

“All right.” Alex watched with an amused smile while the brunette replaced the lid, and lowered the box onto the floor. “Don’t strain yourself.”

“Why? You have other use for me?” Olivia quipped as she pulled back from the edge of the bed and transferred her attention to her lover.

“Maybe? What are you doing?”

“Trying to help,” Olivia replied, pulling the blonde from the headboard and straightening out her limbs until she was prone. She noticed the woman did not resist, she simply wore the little smirk on her lips. “You think this is funny,” she said without accusation, and clapped her hands at her handy work. “There.”

“Now what?” Alex asked while her lover rolled up her sleeves. She knew what was coming, and she fought to keep her grin from widening.

“Now, this.”

Fingers danced on her skin, massaging, putting circulation back into her muscles. “Ow.”

“Sorry, Sweetheart.”

Alex shifted to gain comfort, focusing on her detective’s caring and ignoring the sharp tingling sensations, until they finally began to subside.

The tension in her lover’s jaw slacked, Olivia noticed. “Better?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Don’t thank me.” She changed the pressure of her touch. “My fault. Anyway, how’s this?”

“Mmm.”

“Good, I take it?”

“Mmhmmm…”

“Relax.”

“Why?” Alex protested, resisting her body’s desire. “Trying to put me to sleep?”

“It’s getting late. How are you feeling anyway?” Olivia asked, stopping just long enough to give her lover a once over, before resuming her gentle ministration.

“Fine? Why?”

“Don’t know, you were sneezing your head off, and you were pale before that.”

“Am I now?”

“No more than usual,” Olivia had to admit.

“See? Told you I’m all right.”

“Yes,” she replied, and smiled when Alex failed to stifle a yawn. “Go to sleep,” she encouraged and brushed closed her lover’s eyelids with a kiss.

Chapter 12

“You jinxed me!”

“How?” Olivia sighed, feeling helpless, absolutely. She knew what she should do and what she wanted to do, but her lover was having none of that. The blonde was more interested in grousing when she should really rest her voice; but Olivia wasn’t about to raise that point again.

“You kept suggesting I was sick.”

“Well you are sick.”

“That’s because you jinxed me!”

She reached over and brushed a lock of hair from her lover’s face, using the opportunity to feel her temperature. “Poor thing.”

“Not nice for you to make fun of a sick person.”

“I’m not, I swear.”

“Hmpf,” Alex grumbled. She tried to think back, to figure out the exact instant or instances when she could’ve caught a cold, and failed miserably. Her head was refusing to cooperate. “I don’t feel so good, and my face hurt.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“For what? Jinxing me?”

“Sweetheart,” Olivia sighed again.

“I hate being sick. I don’t get sick.”

“Huh.” She lifted a brow at the memories, or the lack there of.

“What?”

“Seriously,” Olivia replied, wrinkling her forehead for effect, “I don’t remember you getting sick for the last how many years?”

“That’s because I didn’t.”

“Not even a cold?”

“No.”

“Really? How did you do it?” When Alex remained silent, Olivia guessed, “Take some over the counter stuff and barrel on?”

“Isn’t that what you do?”

“Ah, no? I’ve taken sick days, you don’t remember?”

“So you did. So what?”

“So nothing? Besides, Don makes us stay home; he doesn’t want us spreading our germs around making everyone else sick. Can’t have a bunch of sick cops on the streets, you know?” The detective felt necessary to justify.

“Well, lucky you. I couldn’t afford to get sick.” Alex threw off the cover in frustration and complained, “And I can’t be sick now, I’m on vacation.”

“Sweetie, Baby...”

“Don’t you ‘Sweetie Baby’ me, you, you… jinx.”

“You’re getting a little repetitive.” Olivia couldn’t help herself, she smiled. “Feverish?”

“Shut up, it’s not funny. Maybe it’s just allergies, yeah, that’s got to be it,” Alex made up her mind, “There was a lot of dust in that room, over three decades worth. I…”

“You need to stay in bed, and rest.”

“Or we can ask Olga if she has anything I can take. They must have something…”

“Fine, I’ll ask, but you should rest. We can stay right here; we can even work on the boxes, if you feel up to it,” Olivia compromised.

“Fine.”

“Now what are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing? I’m getting up.”

“Why?”

“Stretch my muscles. I feel stiff all over.”

“That’s because you’re sick.”

“I’m not sick.”

*But you said earlier…* Olivia decided to keep quiet. Arguing wouldn’t be productive; it’d just end up stressing her lover out even more. She helped pull the cover back and gave the blonde room to get up. And she was going to reach over and pick up the phone to call downstairs when the trim form began to crumple. “Alex!” She yelped, her arms shooting out in reflex…

Chapter 13

Time suspended for Olivia as her arms strained to hold up her lover. She could feel her heart pump against the mattress as the roar in her head calmed. Almost immediately, her cop training kicked in. Quickly, she assessed the situation, and calculated her limited options.

Slowly, reluctantly, she let Alex fall, taking care that her head didn’t hit the nightstand. Her muscles trembled while she guided her lover’s descent.

*Finally,* she sighed a deep breath when the blonde slipped to where she was leaning against the bed frame. She debated again whether to let her fall the rest of the way or somehow pulled her back into bed, and concluded against the latter. “Okay, her brain needs oxygen,” she reassured herself as she pushed against the mattress, pressing her own body further over the edge.

As soon as Alex was on the floor, Olivia scrambled off the bed. For less than a second, she felt panic; immediately, she squashed it. Her hands busied to unbutton her lover’s shirt, to allow for unrestricted respiration. As soon as that was done, her legs carried her to the window. She threw them open, and rushed back to the blonde’s side.

“Alex?” She called. When there was no response she checked the woman’s pulse and her breathing. Satisfied with the steady rhythm, she called her name again.

“Baby? Wake up,” she tried repeatedly, gently patting her lover’s cheek, while her mind raced to decide on the next step. She should call for help; a B&B must have smelling salts or something for just this type of situation. But she didn’t want to stop; she couldn’t. “There’s got to be something…” She said as her eyes flicked to the orange leftover from dinner the night before. “Aha!”

The smell of citrus was sharp; it could work, she decided as she stabbed the fruit with knife and cut off the top. Then she took the bigger half and placed it under Alex’s nose. When that didn’t seem to work, she smeared the juice above her lover’s lips.

“Damn it!” She barked her frustration and resisted the urge to smash the orange in her fist. Instead, she simply tossed it aside and refocused her attention.

Then she remembered the water bottle next to the lamp. Without hesitation, she reached for it, and twisted off the cap.

“Sorry,” she mumbled an apology, and sprinkled water onto her lover’s pale face. “Argh.”

Without pause, Olivia pulled the pillow from the bed and yanked off the pillowcase. She folded it into a rectangle, soaked it and laid it across her companion’s forehead. Taking a deep breath, she waited.

And waited.

It had only been a few seconds, but felt like forever. Meanwhile, Olivia looked at the water bottle, still almost half full. She stared at it, hard. “Oh, fuck it.” She pushed her lips into a tight line and up-ended the container.

“Oh, god, thank god,” she sighed, when Alex came spluttering back to life.

Chapter 14

“Whoa!” Alex shook her head. “Jesus Christ, what’s going on?”

“You fainted, Sweetheart.”

“I’m wet.”

Olivia looked at the bottle in her hand. Quickly, she tossed it aside.

“You!”

“You wouldn’t wake up, Baby. You fainted,” she said again, in case her lover didn’t hear it the first time.

“So you decided to drown me?”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do,” the detective justified.

“Jesus, Liv!” Alex yelped as she pushed her wet shirt off her skin and tried to get off from the floor.

“Wait, let me help,” Olivia offered, and got a wilting stare in return. “Here,” she said, pulling her t-shirt over her head. “Put this on, it’s warm.”

“I don’t want your shirt.”

“Sweetheart?” She fought the wounded feeling while another took its place. “Hold on a second, you’re mad at me ‘cause I tried to help?” She asked harshly.

“No, I’m mad because you tried to drown me!”

“That was the only way I could wake you up!” She yelled back.

Sucking in a shallow breath, Alex met her lover’s eyes. “Okay, fine,” she finally said, and put on the proffered shirt. The warmth felt good, and the gesture was sweet, she had to admit.

“You’re welcome.”

“Thank you.”

“Here.” Olivia stood and extended her hand. “You should get back into bed.”

Alex let her lover pull her onto her feet. She didn’t protest when the brunette tucked the blankets around her. She watched while the woman picked up the discarded items from the floor and wiped off the knife. When she spoke again, her voice was soft, “You should go put another shirt on; you don’t want to catch cold, too.”

The ‘too’ made Olivia smile. She wondered why it was so difficult to get Alex to accept she was ill. “Okay, I’ll be right back,” she said, and moved towards the closet.

“Not going anywhere,” Alex mumbled, sinking deeper into the mattress.

Chapter 15

Alex stared at the ceiling while everyone fussed around her. That was the part of being sick she hated, besides the obvious part of actually being sick. Okay, she had a little fainting spell and her head felt horrible, but she was sure irritated sinus was the cause of the latter, if not the former as well.

“I’m fine, Liv,” she tried again. “I don’t need to see a doctor.”

“But he’s already on his way.”

“God,” Alex sighed. First they called downstairs, to ask about allergies and cold medication and have house-keeping come dry up the carpet. Of course, someone alerted Olga, who felt necessary to contact her employer. Within the hour, her mother was calling, insisting on talking to her. Then her mother wanted to talk to Olivia; and she watched her lover and the clock and wondered if she was ever going to get off the telephone. She wished she could read lips, so she’d know what they were talking about. As the brunette approached to return the handset to the cradle, she grumbled, “Why can’t people just let me die in peace?”

“What’s that, Sweetheart?”

“I don’t understand why people can’t leave me alone. I thought I’m supposed to rest.”

“You can and you should, after you see the doctor.”

“I don’t need a doctor.” Alex argued. “Didn’t my mother tell you I used to do this all the time? When we visited when I was younger? It must be something in the air. Or in the water.”

“Which is why I think you need to see a doctor.”

“My parents took me to a specialist. A gaggle of them in fact, and they couldn’t find anything wrong. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Then do it to humor me,” Olivia pleaded. She sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her lover’s cheek. “You know I worry. You know I’ll just worry sick about you.”

Alex looked into the brunette’s eyes. There was something swirling in the depths; she couldn’t tell what it was. Whatever it was, however, took out her fight. Finally, she agreed. “Maybe he’ll give me something good for my sinus.”

Olivia merely smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re not welcome.” She stuck out the tip of her tongue. “Why did my mother want to talk to you anyway?”

“She wants to know how we’ve been doing.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Somehow Alex didn’t think so, but she also didn’t want to press her lover further, not now anyway. “She didn’t seem that impressed that we got into the room.”

“How could you tell?”

After thinking for a moment, Alex decided. “You’re right, I couldn’t. She’s not the most emotionally demonstrative person.” She shrugged. “Besides, there’s really nothing to be excited about, at least not to everyone else. Otherwise, they would’ve tried to get into the room. I’m sure it’s just a bunch of old musty papers to them.”

“But you don’t feel the same way,” Olivia replied, so sure of the blonde’s answer that she omitted the question.

“There’s something, something we’re supposed to find,” Alex explained. “I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it.”

Maybe the picture of Destiny, Olivia speculated. “Other than what we’ve already found?”

With almost solemn certainty, Alex nodded.

Chapter 16

“Happy now?”

“Thank you,” Olivia said. In truth, she wasn’t satisfied. With the doctor there, and a moment to think, she remembered the night before, when she found her lover, and the odd position she was sleeping. Perhaps she had fainted then and fallen into the bed.

“It’s good to see the doc again though. He’s always been so nice.”

“So you used to black out when you got too excited?”

Alex shrugged.

“And nobody could find anything?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, Liv,” Alex replied softly. She felt like a broken record again. Or maybe she was just broken, as the desire to fight fizzled almost as soon as it began.

“But…”

“Maybe I’m overloading my circuits.”

“What?”

“French writers glorified “little deaths”, maybe I’m doing that, except we’re not…” Alex sighed at the unchanged look on her lover’s face. Was it disbelief or exasperation, or both? She couldn’t quite tell. And that ‘something’ in her eyes, it was still there, dark and swirling, and she was too tired to try to figure out. “Oh, hell, you heard the doctor, I’d probably gotten too excited from getting into the room, and my nose being plugged up didn’t help the oxygen issue.”

That was what the doctor had said, Olivia remembered. She supposed there was a certain level of logic to it, but the man’s nonchalant attitude did not sit well with her. Before she could say anything, the blonde spoke.

“Maybe I just didn’t want to deal.”

“Deal? With what, Sweetheart?”

‘With you?’ Alex thought, and caught herself before she said it; she surely didn’t mean it. “I don’t know, Liv, the ghosts? My parents’ past? The dynamics? Everything in this place?”

“Do you want to leave? We could go back to Paris,” the problem-solver in the detective immediately provided.

“No, Liv,” Alex replied, and watched her lover turned visibly relieved. What was she up to? Did it have to do with the long conversation she had with her mother? “Besides, I think you want to stay.”

The little smile curling the blonde’s lips told Olivia she was caught; she kicked herself silently and insisted, “I wanna do what you wanna do. I just want you to be happy and well.”

“I am happy and well.”

“But you’re…”

‘Not well,’ Alex heard it before it was spoken, and stopped it with another deep sigh. “I need rest.”

Meaning, ‘I don’t want to argue with you; you’re stressing me out,’ Olivia figured. It was amazing how much went on between the attorney’s lines, and how quickly she was picking it up these days. Had it always been this way with Alex? She couldn’t remember, but she was probably too hardheaded to listen anyway. “Okay.”

“’Okay’ what?”

“You need rest.”

Chapter 17

Alex was surprised when her lover started walking away. “Where are you going?”

“You need rest.”

“Get back in here.” She lifted the covers to emphasize her point.

“But you need…”

“Rest, yes,” Alex completed the sentence with a small laugh. “I just want your company. You can be Tinka.”

The well-loved stuffed teddy bear from the blonde’s childhood, Olivia remembered and smiled. Quickly, she joined her lover in bed. Immediately, the blonde was shifting their bodies, until she was half-sprawled on her. She wrapped her slim frame in an embrace, and asked, “Comfy?”

Nodding slightly, Alex let out a contented sigh.

“Good,” Olivia replied. Then she felt a light jab against her ribs. “Hey! What was that for?”

“Thinking bunny thoughts while I’m sick.”

“I can’t help it; I’d have to be dead.”

“You’d have to be? But not me? Or it’s okay if I were? Ewww…”

It took Olivia a second. Then she blinked. Sometimes her lover’s sense of humor surprised her. “Ewwww!”

Alex chuckled and snuggled closer. “Gotcha.”

“Okay, now go to sleep.”

“I’m not sleepy.”

“You’re whiny.”

“I don’t whine. That’s you,” Alex replied, and lifted her arm to emphasize her point.

Olivia caught her lover’s fingers before they again hit her side. She brought them lightly to her lips. “Uh huh.”

“Read to me.”

“Read what?”

“Anything? Just don’t move.”

“Oh. Well, that leaves Ava’s diary.” She grabbed the book off the nightstand. “And you don’t like it...”

“It’s sappy. Nauseating,” Alex agreed. “Tell me a story then.”

“What kind of story?”

“With a happy ending. The one about the pretty blonde princess.”

“The beautiful princess who needs her beauty rest?” Olivia smiled at the sleepiness in her lover’s voice and pressed a kiss to her hair.

“Sure…”

“Once upon a time, in a magical land far, far away, there was a kind queen. The kind queen has a beautiful daughter… Are you listening?” She paused and heard the change in the blonde’s breathing. Carefully, she pulled the blankets higher around her companion’s shoulders and picked up the diary.

Chapter 18

Olivia rubbed her eyes and tried reading again. It was just like before: blurry. Well, not the actual writing, the elegant scribbles she could see just fine. What she couldn’t decipher was the language itself. Granted, the French was somewhat archaic in style, but she didn’t have the same issues before.

*Focus,* she told herself.

*Dammit!*

Finally, she closed the book, careful not to make the covers snap, which was really what she wanted to do, to express her disgust.

After letting out a slow breath, Olivia twisted her head to look at her lover. Alex was still sleeping, and the brunette found comfort in the gentle, steady rise and fall. She knew her companion was fast asleep. *And not…

*Dammit! Shut up!* She screamed at her brain.

For a short moment, it was empty, and clear. Before she could count the seconds, her mind was filled once more with images she would much rather forget. She couldn’t stop speculating or worrying.

*And what if…*

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, as if the actions could keep her thoughts at bay.

*Fuck.* She gave up.

For another long moment, the detective stared at her lover. Silently, she willed her companion to move, or to perhaps fall into a deeper sleep.

“Alex, Sweetheart,” Olivia finally whispered. When it was clear that the blonde was not going to wake up anytime soon, the detective began easing out from under her weight.

With any luck, she would be back before her companion would ever notice. If she got caught, she would just say she needed to go to the bathroom, or something.

Reluctantly, Olivia stood. Watching her lover, she counted the rhythm of her breaths. She wished she could stay. With a soft sigh to firm her will, she twisted on her heels and moved towards the door. One more lingering look, then she closed the heavy wooden barrier…

Downstairs, she found Olga easily.

“How is she?” The woman asked.

“Sleeping now. I think the antihistamine knocked her out.”

“’Knock out’?”

“Made her drowsy; put her to sleep.”

“Ah. That’s good; she can rest.” Olga smiled. “How may I help you?”

“Is there a computer here, in the… at Mondestin, with internet access, I can use?” Olivia wondered how much she should divulge; she decided the woman would understand. “I want to see if I could find out more, about her fainting spells.”

“But the doctor said…”

“No offense, he’s…” There was no polite way to say what was in the detective’s mind. Fortunately, she didn’t have to.

“He’s old, and he lives here, in a village, not somewhere like Paris or New York.” Olga nodded. “I think so, too. But I didn’t want to argue with Ms. Jaime, or the doctor. Come, please follow me. I have a computer in my office.”

“Thanks.” Already, Olivia felt a load lifted from her. She didn’t want to have to drive into town; she didn’t want to leave her lover for any longer than she had to.

Chapter 19

“Good morning,” Olivia greeted her lover with all the cheerfulness she could muster. “How’s my baby?”

Alex yawned and stretched.

It was one of those full body yoga stretches that always got Olivia’s blood pumping. She shook off the thought and laughed. “Seriously, you look like a cat. Take it that means you’re feeling better?”

“Yep,” Alex agreed. “Good as new. Apparently, I just needed sleep.”

*Twenty hours worth.* Olivia kept the calculation to herself and said with a wide grin instead, “I guess a body needs that once in a while. Here, I got you this.”

Alex smiled at the flower in her lover’s hand. “Thank you. Can you put it in the bottle?”

“The water bottle?” When Alex merely shrugged, Olivia figured for herself. “Guess I should’ve brought a vase or something.”

“We’ll just grab a fresh bottle when we go down for breakfast,” Alex provided as she watched the brunette twist off the cap and break off a piece of stem before she slide the flower into the water. Her brain was still a little sluggish, judging by her fascination with the simple act. She shook her head. “Yeah, breakfast sounds good.”

“You want food?”

“I didn’t eat dinner.”

“Or any other thing yesterday, except a couple of crackers for your drugs.”

“Exactly. Now I’m hungry. Starved, actually.”

“That’s a good sign.” It was the first genuine smile that graced Olivia’s lips since her lover had taken ill, at least it felt that way. “You need a hand up?”

“Thank you.” Alex let her companion pull her to her feet. The momentum took her to the woman’s arms. The embrace was warm, and comforting; and she sighed happily.

“Hi.”

“No, Liv. You don’t want to get too close.”

“I don’t care. I’ve missed you,” Olivia said and craned her neck for her lover’s lips. She had missed the connection.

“Hmm.” Alex sighed again when they drew apart. She placed her head back on her companion’s shoulder, and let the strong arms draw her tighter into the circle. “Missed you, too… I don’t want to leave.”

“Leave? For where?”

“Bathroom? Shower?” The brunette’s tense reaction surprised Alex. “Hot water would feel good.”

“Sore?”

“Just a little stiff. You know, from all the sleeping.”

“Ah. Want help?” Olivia asked hopefully. To her lover’s sideway glance, she protested, “I mean help-help, not euphemistic ‘help’. I’m sure you don’t have the energy for that… What?”

“I’ve been a little under the weather, not dead.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means you keep thinking those euphemistic thoughts.” Alex tapped her lover on the nose and pulled away from her hold. “Maybe sometime before we go to bed tonight, you’ll get lucky.”

“After you get some fuel in your body.”

“Yes. And a shower. You still want to help?”

Olivia nodded and let the blonde catch her hand.

“Well, let’s go!”

Chapter 20

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Olivia began, lazily stroking the blonde’s back. “You’re not gonna believe what I found in the boxes.”

“What?” Alex raised her brow slightly. Her lover had been talking non-stop during her shower, through breakfast, and now. She wondered what was up; and she contemplated asking.

“I opened it, ‘cause it was bigger than the others, the box I mean. And it was shaped different.”

“Okay…”

“A machine gun. With German markings. I wonder how they got it.”

Alex laughed. “The war?”

“But why do you think they kept it?”

“Collector’s items? I don’t know.” Alex shrugged, and pulled her lover closer, to shorten their distance, even if just physical. “Maybe it was a trophy; the German’s did lose the war.”

“You’re not curious?”

“No? Why?” Alex shrugged again. To lessen the brunt of her nonchalance, she added, “But maybe Nicole would know. You should tell her. It’s probably not safe to keep something like that here anyway.”

“Oh, it was just the gun. No ammunitions.”

“That’s good.”

The conversation was effectively over, Olivia knew, and she tried to focus on the silence, on the relative tranquility, and the touch of their skin against skin. She didn’t want to break the peace between them, which was certain to happen if she brought up what she wanted – her findings, and all the questions she had after looking up fainting spells, and black outs, and sleep-walking on-line. She still wondered if Alex had noticed she was away from the room for the better part of the previous afternoon, and if and when the blonde was going to bring it up.

“Listen,” Olivia started. Immediately, she changed her mind about what she was going to say; but she had Alex’s attention, so she said instead, “It’s perfect, you know. Like our love.”

“What is?”

“The rose.” She pointed her head towards the make-shift vase, and pressed a kiss to her lover’s forehead. That’s what Henri said when he gave it to me to give to you. He’s the gardener, I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about.”

“With thorns and all?” Alex kissed the brunette on the chin and laughed lightly.

“Thorns?” Olivia blinked.

“And now that you’ve cut it, it’ll die in a few days.”

“I thought, I just thought,” Olivia defended her offering. Then she saw the smile in her lover’s tender blue eyes. “Must you always be so literal? What happened to your romantic bone?”

“You wore out the bone. And before you ask, I’m fine.” As if to prove her point, she tucked her leg tighter against the detective’s; she savored the feel of toned muscles against her skin. “Yep, more then fine. Anyway, you know I’m literal. Call it professional hazard.”

“Wait, but I’m supposed to take whatever you say, and interpret it in as many ways as I can… That’s not very literal.”

“Yes, it is,” Alex argued. “If there are any ambiguities in my words, I intentionally put them there. You just have to find all the meanings.”

“Ow.”

“What?”

“My head hurts just thinking about it.”

“You expect me to read your double entendres...”

“But they’re so obvious… especially since they’re so bad.”

“At least you know yourself.” Alex kissed her lover loudly, and then rolled off onto the bed. Supporting her head on her elbow, she grinned brightly.

Olivia narrowed her eyes. “You keep on, and you’ll never get to watch again.”

“Hey, you’re the one who got me into the idea,” Alex reminded. “And you know I like everything you do for me. Including plucking the rose.”

“Ow. My poor head.” She covered it with a pillow dramatically.

Laughing, Alex removed the pillow. She tugged at her lover’s shoulder, until the brunette was on her side, and they were face to face. Then she kissed the tip of her nose, then her lips. “Seriously, I do appreciate the flower. Just don’t necessarily want to think of our love in those terms.”

“What do you mean? You don’t think it’s perfect?” Olivia asked with a quiver her voice.

Chapter 21

Gently, Alex reached out, to brush her lover’s hair away from her dark eyes. Softly, she kissed her face, all over, until the features relaxed again. When it was safe to do so, she sat up. Pulling a sheet around her body, she leaned forward, tugging her legs in and hugging her knees.

Surprised by the gesture, Olivia forgot her own misgivings. She waited patiently.

“I was thinking about my parents’ marriage… And wondering if it failed because my father tried to freeze their love at a moment he considered perfect, put it in a gilded box on a pedestal. And for the next x-number of years he tried to recapture or recreate that moment.” She turned to Olivia. “And when that didn’t work, he tried to find my mother in other women. People change; and he should’ve accepted that.”

“I think your parents’ marriage had more issues than that,” Olivia said without thinking. When she caught herself, it was too late. Her lover was looking at her, expecting her to share her insights. “I mean, say you did have a sister… It’s not uncommon for marriages to fail after the loss of a child.”

“Especially if one party blames another, for whatever reason, for the loss,” Alex completed the thought and nodded. “True.”

“But we don’t know if that was your sister, or if there was fault involved…”

“It doesn’t matter. That’s not what I was talking about. Not exactly.”

“I know what you’re talking about.” Olivia sat up. She pulled the blonde into a close embrace. “You’re saying people change.”

“Or people have unrealistic expectations…”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t think that deep when I said our love is perfect. I know that as time goes by, fundamental attitudes about life et cetera could change, people’s wants could change. Many things could be different…”

Alex let out a soft breath, and nodded, “Et cetera, et cetera.”

“I wasn’t thinking of those things. I mean, I didn’t have to. Our love is perfect the way it is.” Olivia thinned her lips and paused. “Wait, that’s not what I meant… Oh hell, I’m not sure what I meant now. But I do expect us to change. Especially since neither one of us is complacent about anything. You expect me to change, don’t you?”

“Yeah?” Alex met her companion’s gaze. “Yes, of course.”

“That’s what I meant, Sweetheart, our love is perfect. We’ve accounted for everything…”

“Have we, Liv?”

“Our eyes were wide open when we jumped in. We see each other, our similarities, our differences, our strengths, our faults,” Olivia tried to explain, and again she realized she was trying to hard. “Anyway, I promise you, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we don’t grow apart.”

Alex smiled. “Me, too.”

“And I won’t stick you in a box.”

“Oh, I don’t know, if you find the right stick and the right box, it might be fun.” She grinned and kissed the brunette playfully on her chin. “And you can interpret that however many ways you can think of.”

It took a second for the meaning to become clear. Olivia laughed. “Sweetheart!”

She hopped off the bed before her lover could catch her, and began pulling on her clothes. “Let’s go raid the kitchen. I’m starved.”

At first Olivia was reluctant, then she remembered how little the blonde had actually eaten in the last couple of days. She jumped from her perch, and let her footfall stomp out the thought. Quickly, she gathered her clothes and began throwing them on. “Hey, how come you can be crude and I can’t?”

“More double standard?” Alex giggled. “Like I can objectify myself all I want for you, but you can’t objectify me.”

“But I let you objectify me.”

“Ah, but you said the operative word,” she reminded, and added with a toss of her hair, “And you know I love it when you worship and adore and lust after me.”

“I know,” Olivia replied, momentarily distracted by her lover’s dazzling smile. “I think you love having me that way.”

“The real question is: Which way?”

“Huh?”

“Every which way,” Alex said as she ruffled the brunette’s bangs. Then she took off running towards the door. Before she crossed the threshold, she looked back at her bemused lover. “Have fun interpreting!”

Chapter 22

“What’s your middle name?”

“What?”

“What’s your middle name?” Olivia repeated her query. Somehow it had never occurred to her to ask. Why now though, she wasn’t sure. Maybe it was all the names of the people entombed here. Many of them had a string, as typical of European royalties. She wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same with her lover.

“What’s yours?” Alex threw the question back.

“Mine?”

“Yes. Yours.”

“Olivia,” she replied with a casual smile. That was an easy truth.

“Then what’s your first name?”

“I don’t have one,” Olivia provided the legal fact and quickly redirect the inquiry, “Okay, your turn.”

“J.”

“Jay?” Briefly, her brows knitted. “As in the bird? Isn’t that a usually guy’s name? Although I knew a nun called Sister Christopher, oh, and I went to school with a girl named Michael. She was from Wisconsin.”

“No,” Alex answered curtly. “J as in the statue outside.”

“Joan?” Olivia grinned. Somehow she could see her lover as a ‘Joan’, thin, bookish and slightly uptight – at least those were the Joan’s she knew. “They named you after Joan of Arc?”

“No and yes. Think French. Medieval French.”

“Which is?”

“Ugly.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “Sweetheart!”

“It is ugly. Looks so old-fashioned, in its written form.” Alex wrinkled her nose. “It’s a name for somebody’s ancient grandmother.”

“Is that why you don’t use it? Not even in your diploma?”

“If your middle name were Jehanette,” she said and spelled out the word for the brunette. “Would you use it?”

“I guess I might drop the ‘h’. Anyway, I like it.”

“Good, you can have it.”

“Silly,” Olivia commented with a smile. Then thoughtfully, she proceeded, “I guess they really take the ancestral relation seriously.”

“Well, they probably figured everyone from Lorraine was related, or something.” Alex shrugged. She really couldn’t care less. Although she knew, for her lover’s sake, and to keep the promise of sharing her roots, she should start caring. Soon. “Anyway, unless you suddenly believe in virgin birth, or that she really was a he… well, it’s all just absurd.”

“Hm.”

“Why did you ask anyway?”

Chapter 23

Something about her lover’s silence tested Alex’s patience. She prompted, “Liv?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure.”

“Come on. There must be a reason.”

“Well, there really wasn’t. Maybe it’s time I asked? Considering where we are in our relationship?”

*And where is that?* Before Alex could inquire, Olivia continued.

“I guess, too, maybe I was thinking about your ghosts.”

“What about them?”

“I wonder if,” Olivia began, uncertain how she should couch her question. “Well, maybe somehow your fainting spells are related?”

“How?”

“Maybe some sort of trauma, that… um, is causing you to…” She faltered. There really wasn’t a good way to approach what she wanted, but she wasn’t sure if one existed.

“Just say it.”

“Say what?”

“You think I’m touched in the head. Crazy. Insane. Mad.”

Olivia was pretty sure the blonde was getting mad. Quickly she provided, “No, no I don’t.”

“Right.”

“I’m just saying. Maybe you’re suffering from PTSD?” She rushed forward, “Yesterday, um, while you were sleeping, I did some research on line. Olga let me use the office computer. Well, blackouts are one of the symptoms.”

“So that’s where you went?”

“Uh, yeah,” Olivia admitted. So Alex did notice. Was she going to bring it up ever? Or was she waiting for her to own up to the fact? She wondered momentarily, and decided to come clean, “I was worried. I mean, really, really worried, about you.”

“Why? You didn’t hear what the doctor said?”

“Yes, yes, of course I did.”

“Didn’t my mother tell you…”

“Yes, she told me you went to specialists and they couldn’t find anything wrong.” But leukemia could suddenly appear without warning; and Destiny had suffered from it, albeit the childhood-form. She had wanted to tell her lover but Celine’s ‘no’ was unequivocal. Now it was up to her to find a way to get her to get tested, without explaining why she should. “But you got shot…”

“And I told you they made me see a shrink.”

“But you hit the ground. Your head. The pavement, it was cement. What if…”

“You don’t think they x-rayed my skull?”

“Did they?”

“I’m sure they did.” Alex had pulled that one out of her ear, so she added, “Well, they definitely monitored me for concussion. I didn’t get one.”

“That’s good.”

“I’m fine, Liv,” she said and began to walk away.

“But…” Almost desperately, Olivia grabbed and held on to her lover’s hand. “Sweetheart, you fainted, twice, in less than 24 hours!”

“How’d you figure? You don’t know that I didn’t just fall asleep the first time,” Alex demanded. She was so close to stalking off. If there were a normal door, she would slam it on her way out of the chapel. Instead, she took a deep breath and turned around. What she saw allayed her anger and she sighed. Still, she maintained her stance, “I’m fine, Liv, I promise.”

Reluctantly, Olivia gave in. She had known this battle was lost before she even began. As she closed her eyes and surrendered to her lover’s soft hand against her cheek, she vowed to try again.

Chapter 24

Out of the corner of her eye, Olivia saw her lover gingerly removing a sheet of paper from a yellowed envelope. She asked, “What’s that?”

“A letter.” Alex licked her lips and very carefully unfolded the sheet in her lap. “From Vietnam, before the war started.”

“Before our involvement?”

“Well, that depends on how you define ‘involvement’. Anyway, I’m just curious,” she explained knowing the brunette was going to ask. “I wonder how it was like, for them.”

“Them?”

“To live constantly apart.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sure they missed each other very much,” Alex replied. Somehow it seemed like something her lover needed to hear.

“I’m sure.”

“Imagine, back then, people wrote letters…”

“And had to wait for them,” Olivia completed the blonde’s thoughts. “I guess we have it easy, compared to back then.”

“Yeah, we don’t have to go wait in line to send a telegraph and get charged by the word either.”

“No, we don’t.”

“That doesn’t mean I miss you any less,” Alex said, and touched her lips to her lover’s gently.

It was strange, the feeling she had. It felt like Alex was comparing to a different time rather than different people all together. Was it true? Had they always been together, wherever they were? Had they always loved one another no matter what or who they were? Olivia heard a noise. It turned out to be her own choked breathing.

“Liv?”

“I’m fine.” Olivia smiled, and took another breath, a deeper one. Then she pointed to the letter. “You gonna read it?”

“Out loud?”

“Only if you want.”

Quickly, Alex scanned the letter. “He talked about the poverty he saw, the boy and his brother who waited by the garbage for someone to scrape the bowls and bring the discarded food to them.”

“That’s sad.”

“He explained that was why he felt he had to be there.”

“I suppose that’s noble of him.”

“I’m not sure what he thought he could do,” Alex continued summarizing the words. She didn’t think she could read the letter out loud without getting too emotional. “In fact, he didn’t know either. He wrote just that. But he thought…”

Olivia shrugged. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do?”

“I guess so.” Alex turned the page. “Anyway, he stopped talking about politics.”

Before Olivia could comment, her lover shoved the letter into her hands.

“Here, you can read it. It’s mushy.”

Chapter 25

“What do you have against mush?” Olivia had to ask.

“Nothing.”

“Then why can’t you read this?” She waved the paper gently in the air.

“I did,” Alex said and took the letter back, but only briefly, to replace it in a readable position in her lover’s hands. “And it’s mushy, I just told you.”

“Okay,” Olivia half-sighed. She looked down at the fragile sheet and felt like she was holding a beating heart in her palms. It was absurd and melodramatic, her more sensible self scolded; but that didn’t stop her eyes from tearing. “Here.”

“You’re done?”

She pushed the moisture back and smiled. “Too mushy, even for me.”

The gesture was not lost on Alex. She wondered what to do or how to react. Finally, she decided to say, “It’s okay, you know?”

“Okay about what?”

“You don’t always have to be super strong.”

Dark brows twitched. “I thought you like super cop.”

“I do, but I’ve seen super cop cry over helpless victims.”

Olivia laughed, letting her laughter drown out the sudden uncertainty she felt. “Yeah, tears of frustration, ‘cuz our stupid ADA couldn’t do her job right and we had to let the bad guys go.”

“Which stupid ADA?”

“Eh, all of them? Present, past and future? Except for one?”

It was Alex who laughed this time. She shook her head. “You’re trying to distract me.”

“Now why would I do that?”

“Because at some point, someone told you it’s weak to show your emotions? Or that you have to be strong for your girlfriend, or both?”

Olivia pressed her lips into a thin line. Her first response was to deny, and to make excuse. Something in her lover’s clear eyes stopped her. Finally, the thin line curled into a smile. “Be careful what you wish for. I might turn into a sloppy ball of mush.”

“I thought you’re already a sloppy ball of mush?” Alex leaned in and tapped the brunette’s nose with a kiss.

“Oh, no, I’m talking about your great-grandfather-level, ‘I close my eyes and all I can see is your face, and I look up to see the moon, and she reminded me of your smile, and the twinkling stars were dull compared to the ones in your eyes’ type of mush.”

“You have to admit, that was kind of sweet, once you get over the nausea.” Alex giggled, and then her demeanor turned serious, almost wistful. “I mean, if you think about it, when the letter was written, they had been married for how many years? And I wonder if he had known… if he would’ve left, or at least been back much sooner.”

Olivia paused, at first not understanding. Then her memory clicked. “You mean that she would die?”

“Yeah.”

Chapter 26

“Promise me you won’t die on me?” Alex continued after a brief pause.

“What?”

“Promise me you won’t…”

Olivia didn’t let her finish. “I heard, the first time. Why?”

“Just… promise me.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“How can you do that?” Alex demanded almost angrily.

“What?”

“How can you make promises you can’t keep?”

Okay, now Olivia was totally confused. She told her lover exactly that.

“You’re a cop. You go after bad guys.”

“Okay…”

“You put your life in danger every day.”

“Well, not every day, and… Um…” Olivia furrowed her brows. “Do you… do you want me to stop being a cop? And get a different job?”

“And if I said ‘yes’?”

She shrugged. “I get a different job? Maybe your mom needs a security guard? Or, I could go back to school, get a law degree. There are prosecutors who were cops. Although I suppose that’s not a particularly safe job either. I could teach? Criminal Justice maybe? My mother was a teacher; maybe I inherited some of her abilities?”

Finally, Alex halted her lover’s rambling. “You don’t get it, do you?”

Olivia could only shake her head. “To be honest, I really don’t.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you, Sweetheart, and I would do whatever it takes…”

“To make me happy?”

“Yes, to make you happy, and also to keep you from worrying about my safety if that’s really an issue,” Olivia replied honestly.

“But that’s not what I want.”

“It’s not? Wait, what’s not what you want?”

Alex laughed lightly and touched the brunette’s cheek with her hand. “You’re adorable when you’re like this.”

“Like how?”

Instead of answering, Alex provided, “I want you to be yourself. Super cop or giant sloppy ball of mush, or something in between. I want you to be honest with me, with your emotions.”

“You want me to cry?”

“Cry, laugh, yell, whatever you feel. I want us to be honest with each other.”

Chapter 27

Olivia blinked. Her first reaction was to argue, to tell her lover that they had been honest with each other. At least she thought they had. For once, her mouth was slower than her brain. Finally, she said, “You don’t think we’ve been…?”

“You do?”

“I did, but now I’m not sure?”

“Why?”

“Why which?”

“Both?”

“I don’t know?” Sometimes she wondered why the blonde had to be so aggravating. Was this just a difference between a lawyer brain and a cop brain? Or a lawyer brain and a normal human brain, period? She repeated with a sigh and less frustration, “I really don’t know, Sweetheart.”

“That’s all right.”

“What?”

“It’s all right that you don’t know.”

“It is?” It was definitely déjà vu. “I mean, did I just get another lesson?”

“What do you mean, Liv?”

“Well, we went through this, only a few minutes ago, about my feelings. Now we’re talking about my need to question and answer everything,” Olivia offered quickly, hit by sudden clarity.

“Not every question requires an answer,” Alex said with a smile. “Not every question has an answer for that matter.”

“Let me guess, I don’t have to question everything?”

“Well, I don’t.”

Olivia fought hard to keep from rolling her eyes. “Yeah, right.”

“I really don’t.”

“Then why do you have enough books to fill a library?”

“I want knowledge? I get bored? And I read fast? Have you looked at some of the books on my shelves?” Alex laughed. Without waiting for the brunette’s reply, she provided, “I don’t think murder mysteries supply the basis of too many questions, except whodunit.”

“Don’t suppose there’s one about a kick-ass female detective with brown hair and brown eyes, is there?”

“With a blonde and blue eyed sidekick?”

Now it was Olivia’s turn to laugh. “I can’t see you as anyone’s sidekick, not now, not ever.”

“Actually, me neither,” Alex agreed with a wide grin. “Anyway, your lesson.”

Olivia swallowed; her voice turned serious once more. “That’s a hard one. They both are.”

“I know, but I just want them out there, so you know.”

“Okay…”

“I also don’t want to have to answer why you’re stuck with me.” She tried not to feel the sting. Lesson three: learn to be less overly sensitive, she decided, and asked, ”Why? Is it that difficult a question?”

“No,” Alex leaned in, closing the space between them until they’re almost nose to nose. “Not difficult at all, Liv. I just don’t think it’s necessary.”

Chapter 28

Remaining where she was, leaning into Olivia’s space, Alex waited for the woman’s response. Her lover merely stared back. This was not the first time the brunette had reacted that way; it confirmed what Alex had noticed the other morning. A low laughter rose from her chest as she settled once more against the pillows.

In reply, Olivia creased her brow.

Alex answered with a question instead, “Why d’you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Hold your breath like that.”

“Like how?”

“I don’t know. You were holding your breath, just now.”

“I was?”

“It wasn’t a conscious thing?”

“Apparently not,” Olivia replied and shrugged.

“Really?”

She shrugged again, and wondered if and how she should change the subject. Meanwhile, she cursed herself for not thinking fast enough; then again, that was part of the problem. Finally, knowing Alex would continue until she got an answer, the detective decided to save them both the trouble and offered, “It’s like sticking your finger into an electrical socket.”

“What is?”

“Your proximity.”

“My proximity.”

“Yes, your proximity,” Olivia repeated, suddenly feeling a bit disgruntled. “Why are you so shocked?”

“Because?”

“I don’t always just think about sex with you.”

“I didn’t say you do.”

“But sometimes I feel like I’m, I don’t know…”

Alex smiled and relayed her observation, “A deer in headlights?”

“Yeah, like that.”

Chapter 29

“That’s cute!” Alex resisted the urge to ruffle her lover’s hair. Instead, she just gave her arm a shove. “I like that.”

“Not ‘cute’.” Olivia made a face. “I hate that word.”

“All right, not cute.”

“And it’s not funny either.”

“I didn’t say…”

“Then why are you smiling like that?”

“Because. I think it’s sweet.” Alex confessed, “And knowing you feel that way, it makes me happy.”

“You should be.” Olivia wrinkled her nose. “Considering it’s not just your presence, but the mere thought of you… It’s like my brain skids and stops or something.”

“Even at work?” Alex asked, wondering what her lover’s response would be. She would be surprised if the dedicated detective kept the same answer.

Internally, Olivia groaned. She looked down at her hands and replied a hurried whisper.

“What was that?”

“I don’t think about you at work,” she repeated quickly. When her lover didn’t respond immediately, she looked up. The smile that greeted her was almost startling. “You’re not mad?”

“Should I be?”

“Didn’t you hear what I said?”

“Yes, both times.”

“And you’re not mad?”

“No.” Alex reached over and took her companion’s hand. Suddenly, she found herself thinking about how it felt against her skin, its gentleness comforting a child, even the way it looked gripping a gun. Her mind suspended over its warmth and its strength. A long moment later, she shook her head, and smiled. “I know how you feel. I try not to think about you at work either.”

“You do?”

“Sometimes more successful than others.” She let out a sigh and rubbed her thumb across the brunette’s knuckles before twining their fingers together. “I’m really glad we can be like this.”

“Like this?”

“Be honest with our feelings. With each other… and with other people.”

Olivia knew what her lover meant. “I’m not sure about other people… you know? You’re supposed to be…”

“Dead? I know. But Elliot knows.”

“That’s true.”

“It doesn’t feel good to be honest?”

Chapter 30

“I’m glad I don’t have to hide, sometimes.”

“You’re not convinced.”

“It’s…” Olivia hesitated. In that short moment of hesitation, she saw the change in cold blue of her lover’s eyes. Before the walls could go up, she quickly offered, “It’s hard. Imagine you can only tell Liz and nobody else about me.”

“Okay…”

“And these other people I can’t tell, they know you, and some of them, like Serena, care about you. You were friends.”

“Yes, we were.”

“I wish I could tell them. I wish they could share my joy.”

“You have Elliot,” Alex reminded once again.

“And your mom.”

She looked at her lover and watched her smile. “True. And the rest of my family, including Ling.”

“I don’t think your best friend likes me.”

The smile had disappeared, Alex observed. She resisted knitting her brows and instead placed a kiss on the brunette’s cheek. “She’s all bluff. You just need to… well, she likes you, trust me. And she’s happy for us.”

Olivia swallowed. If she were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she was jealous. Was Alex ever jealous of her friends? Did she even have a jealous bone in her body? Although she really didn’t have any reason to be, if she knew how she felt about her, and she did. The detective let out a little sigh and halted her contemplation. She smiled again. “That’s good. I’m glad. I want everyone you love to like me; it’s important.”

“I’m glad you all get along, but we are more important,” Alex said, and watched her lover hold her breath. She laughed lightly, and nosed her lover’s neck. “You’re doing it again.”

“Huh?”

“Deer in the socket.”

“I’m not… I was just… Happy. I’m happy you feel that way,” Olivia admitted and twisted her body. Before she could complete her turn, she felt her lover untwine their fingers, and she stopped.

With her hand against her lover’s chest, Alex slid downwards and adjusted her body. Then she gave the brunette’s collar a little tug forward.

Gladly, Olivia obliged. She settled against the blonde, and let out a happy sigh when slim arms wrapped about her shoulders. “Let me know when I get too heavy…”

“Hush,” Alex whispered, and closed her eyes. “I like this.”

“This?” She asked, sliding her palm along her lover’s side, feeling the strength in her trim body. She let Alex still her hand and twine their fingers once more; she didn’t resist when the woman brought their hands behind her back. Instead she exhaled a light laugh. “You arresting me?”

Alex shook her head. “I’m keeping you.”

Chapter 31

“Maybe she was mistaken,” Olivia offered. She couldn’t believe they were having this discussion. “Consider she was young and she was a virgin.”

“Since when did inexperience equal ignorance?”

If she didn’t know better, she’d think her lover’s anger was a little too righteous. “Sweetheart, we are talking about a long time ago. God, why are we arguing over a work of fiction?”

“Fiction?”

“What else could it be? It’s got to be a fantasy romance of sorts.”

“What? Harlequin for Michelle?”

“Why not?” It was plausible, Olivia decided as she flipped through the remaining pages of the book. “This could be a handwritten manuscript. Yeah.”

“Lesbian romance?”

“Well… Maybe it was chic? Didn’t we see some black and white photos of drag kings in a bar when we were in Paris? Weren’t they from the 20’s?”

Alex ignored the comment. Instead she asked, “How old were you when you first realized there was a difference between a man and a woman?”

“When I was really, really young,” Olivia replied. She rubbed her hand across one side of her face and sighed. “Our neighbors across the street didn’t believe in curtains. I saw a lot more that I should, or needed to, in retrospect. But wasn’t this supposed to be about the middle ages, or something?”

“What? People couldn’t tell gender then?”

“Everyone wore skirts at some point, right?” The detective grasped at images from her undergrad textbooks. “Maybe Emil just had man boobs.”

“Maybe he was a hermaphrodite.”

Completely missing the sarcasm in her companion’s voice, Olivia replied, “I think they’re usually sterile…”

“Maybe he / she / it was a sex changing guppy?”

She laughed indulgently and quipped, “A god? Didn’t Zeus change himself into Artemis and fathered a bear or something?”

“Why don’t you just say ‘alien from outer space’, Liv?”

“That’ll work.”

“Or maybe it’s some sort of miracle.”

“Or some sort of fantastic bull crap,” Olivia said with a half smile. “Anyway, I’m done. I’ll return it to the library tomorrow.”

“You are? I thought…”

“There are other, better things to read.” She decided, and explained, “And there are more important things we could be doing than argue about miracles and guppies from outer space.”

“Like what?” Alex acquiesced without saying so. She didn’t know how to explain it, but in truth, she was happy her lover had decided to set the journal aside. Somehow it had given her a feeling of unease, almost like the sword of Damocles was swinging over her head.

“Something you want to do?”

“Let’s be vanilla bunnies…”

Something in the blonde’s voice disturbed Olivia. She tried to catch her eye; and she saw a flash. Of what? Haunting? And as quickly as the look had appeared, it vanished. Uncertainly, she asked, “Vanilla bunnies?”

Alex replied by pulling her body over her companion’s and snuggling in. Silently, she hoped their nearness would bring sleep, and more importantly, peace.

Despite her disappointment, Olivia smiled and reached to turn out the light. ‘’Night, Sweetheart,” she whispered, and closed her lover in her embrace.

Chapter 32

In her dream, Olivia saw music, not notes floating in the air, but she knew she could see it, all the different colors of the different sounds, changing, shimmering, like a rainbow, like stars as she followed the melody.

The music, she could feel it in her blood, in her bones, like the roar of the river, the Danube perhaps? She could feel it carrying her, far, far into the past. Their past?

She could almost touch the water, swirling, lapping against her skin. It stroked her soul.

And she made contact with him. She sensed his strength when they waded in the warm liquid; she endured it when he clasped her close, when he lifted her onto his body, embracing her as she embraced him. She knew she wasn’t really there, but she was, suffering the sounds of their lust.

Who was he? She wondered as she fingered his blonde curls, almost too soft, too delicate for a man’s. For that matter, who was she? Who were they?

She opened her eyes.

She opened her eyes just in time to see fair tresses floating away.

Her legs followed, half scrambling. Her bare feet ignored the cold of the stone floor as she kept up with the pale ghost, always paces behind. She wanted to call out to her, to make her stop, so she could catch up. But she couldn’t find her voice.

So up, up they went, through the doors and up the winding stairs. It felt like forever later when they went through the door, when she looked above her and saw the twinkling stars.

Then she saw the sparkles in her eyes, and recognized them in his eyes. At least she thought she did.

Who were they? Where were they? She wondered while her lover’s smile beckoned. Mesmerized, she approached.

“Hi,” she spoke.

Olivia felt herself reeled in by the husky whisper; she felt secured by her slender arms about her shoulders, pulling her closer still. “What… what are you doing?” She found her voice.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Brown eyes blinked. “It’s the middle of the night and we’re on top of the chateau.”

“Wee hours of the morning, technically.”

“Yes. Why…” Olivia started to ask, but Alex interrupted.

“I was following my great grande mère.”

“What?”

“She told me you’d wake up and follow me. And you did!”

“I was dreaming, and then I saw you, and I...” The words rushed from Olivia’s mouth.

“What were you dreaming?”

“I… I don’t remember,” she lied and shook her head, to clear his touch from her memory.

As if choreographed, Alex pressed their bodies tighter together. “You’ll tell me if and when you remember?”

“Um. Sure.”

“I think my ancestors are trying to tell us things,” she explained against the brunette’s ear.

Olivia closed her eyes and shivered as her lover’s teeth grazed her skin. She breathed, “Okay.”

“So, you want to?”

“You’re going to get cold,” her mouth resisted, but her hands, they were already finding their way under Alex’s robe, caressing bare skin.

“You’re hot.”

“I am?”

“Mmhmm…” Alex arched. “You can keep me warm.”

“I don’t know, Sweetheart…” She mumbled, her tongue stroking, her lips pressing against sensitive hard flesh, alternating left and right.

“You know you want to.”

“I…” Whatever Olivia wanted to say flew from her mind when strong hands cradled her face and brought her head up. Hungry lips devoured hers.

Alex was the first who pulled away. “Please… Liv, I need you.”

“Tell me, tell me what you need.”

“Love me, Liv,” she moaned her desperation.

“I do love you, Alex, very much,” she groaned back. “With all my heart and soul.”

“Then love me, fuck me and make me yours…”

Chapter 33

A scream startled Olivia. Then one turned into a series. Loud and persistent. She tried to find her orientation, to figure out where she was, who she was, and whose screams they were.

Then she felt hands, pulling at her head.

Then she heard another scream, more like a roar, an animal in pain, pain she could feel in her soul, pain she knew she would feel if Alex was ripped from her life.

She wondered if she could ever recover from such pain.

Suddenly, she saw hands, a woman’s hands, clawing, at her mother. She saw her mother’s hands, covered, in blood. She tried to cover her ears, to squeeze her eyes shut, but it was too late. She heard her mother’s screams.

The noise echoed in the room.

Then she felt hands, familiar hands, tightening around her torso, just below her chest. She heard her own heart beating, loudly, in her ears. Sharply, she inhaled.

“Liv? You awake?”

She nodded, clasping her lover’s hands, holding on, hanging on to reality.

“Bad dream?”

She stilled, wondering if she should say anything. In that split second, her lover said, “You screamed.” And before she could help herself, she blurted, “Why do bad things always happen to my mothers?”

“What?”

“Why do they always happen because of me?”

“Your mothers? What?”

“Huh?” Olivia blinked. She realized what she had said, the plural form she had used. And she shook her head, to try to clear it. “I, I meant ‘mother’.”

“I don’t think you did, Liv.”

Alex had spoken so softly, her voice so gentle, she couldn’t fight. She had nowhere to hide. “No, I didn’t.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“My mom was raped; and she died.”

“You didn’t cause your mother’s death.”

“But I did. I was born,” she argued.

“You’re not being very logical, Liv.”

At her lover’s sigh, she closed her eyes, and once more, she shook her head. “I, I meant, oh hell, Alex…”

“What?”

She didn’t fight the hands pulling at her. At their urging, she rolled over. And they shifted, until her head was pillowed against her lover’s breasts. She felt fingers twining with and stroking her hair. Gratefully, she sighed, accepting the soothing touch.

Chapter 34

“Take your time,” Olivia heard. Then she felt her lover’s lips on the top of your head. How many times had she done that for the blonde, when she was haunted by the demons of their job, her old job? She couldn’t remember. On some level, she wanted to balk; she was, after all, supposed to be the strong detective. Yet, this felt good, and she whispered thus.

“What feels good?”

She squeezed around her lover’s waist. “This. You. Your touch.”

“Good.” Alex laughed lightly. “It’s supposed to.”

“I don’t wanna leave.”

“Leave what?”

“Our… circle,” she sighed. That seemed the most appropriate description. Then her companion laughed again, the sound reminded her of morning bells, resonating in her core.

“I’d prefer you don’t. Ever.”

Olivia snuggled deeper. “Never.”

“Good.”

“So…” She exhaled, making up her mind. “In my dream, it seemed like everyone was screaming.”

“That must’ve been disturbing.”

“It was.”

“What were they screaming about?”

“I don’t know, I mean, I’m not sure.” First, Olivia wanted to deny, but the feeling was too strong. “I mean, it’s the weirdest feeling, but I felt like I was being born. Like I had to be cut from my mother’s womb. Or maybe my coming ripped her apart.”

“That’s what you meant when you said you caused your mother’s death?”

“I think so. Yeah.”

“Go on.”

“That was it though, I mean, I couldn’t feel anything else. I just, well, and then I dreamt about my mom, you know, my real mom, and that didn’t make sense either.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. She was fighting some woman. Her hands were bloody. Actually, so were her attacker’s.”

“Had your mom been… before?”

“Attacked? As far as I know, just the one time. When I was conceived,” Olivia said. Then she remembered another time, in another dream, vaguely. “Huh.”

“What?”

“But that’s not possible.”

“What’s not possible, Liv?”

“Nothing,” she said, and shook her head.

Chapter 35

When the image wouldn’t go away, Olivia sighed, “It’s just…”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve always thought it was a stranger, my mother’s attacker,” she revealed. “Munch, he gave me the tape, her 911 call. She said she was leaving the library. I always wondered if it was true, if she wasn’t drunk,” she confessed. “How terrible of me, huh?”

“Even if she were, Liv, that didn’t make him less guilty,” Alex offered. “Even if they knew each other, and partied together. How many cases of date rapes have we prosecuted?”

Too many, Olivia thought. For the first time, she spoke her doubt, “What if it wasn’t true? What if it was all lies?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe she wasn’t raped. Maybe she was having an affair.”

“And she told people she was raped? Why?”

“Morning after remorse? How many of those cases have we run into?”

“A few,” Alex had to admit. “But why would she…”

“My grandparents were Catholic, old school. If she turned up pregnant…”

“But why did she tell you you were a product of rape?”

“So I wouldn’t ask about my dad?”

“But you said you had seen her, in her sleep, fighting off her attacker.”

“Yeah, true, many times.” Olivia remembered all too well. “But just now, in this dream, she was fighting off a woman.”

“What? His wife?”

“Why not?”

Alex sighed. “I don’t know, Liv, sometimes a dream is just a dream.”

After a short pause, Olivia sighed along. “I guess you’re right.”

“Except…”

“Except?”

“Michelle’s mother, she did die in childbirth.”

Olivia felt a shiver down her spine. “Michelle’s birth.”

“Yeah.”

“You told me already, right? Or maybe Nicole or Christian did?”

“I don’t remember. Suppose I, or either one of us could have.”

“Or maybe your mom.”

“She could have? I don’t know what you two talk about.” Alex hoped she didn’t sound disgruntled; she did agree to share her family, her roots.

“You, mostly,” Olivia said with a small smile. Then, too soon, her thoughts returned to her dream. “I just, I don’t understand it.”

Chapter 36

“You did say your mothers, Liv, plural.”

“I know.” Olivia didn’t need the blonde’s reminder. “I just don’t…”

“Do you think you were Michelle?”

“I don’t know, Alex,” she said with a deeper sigh. Then she remembered, “Wait, last night, or rather, this morning, um.” She hesitated; it had seemed so real; she had taken for granted that it was, but maybe she was mistaken. “Did I dream that, too?”

“Dream what?”

“Up on the roof, us, me making love to you.”

“Oh, that.”

The shy smile tugging at her lover’s lips told Olivia all she needed to know. It was amazing how the woman could still be self-conscious after everything they had done, and especially after what she had asked. The brunette raised herself up on her elbow, and trying her best not to be smug, she asked, “Did you mean what you said?”

“Which?” Alex replied softly, bashfully avoiding her companion’s searching deep eyes. “I said so many things.”

“Any and all of it?”

“Yes.”

Unable to resist, Olivia grinned widely. “That’s so unlike you, I mean the things you said… they were kind of…”

Alex offered, “Crude?”

“That’s a good word I guess.”

“Did you mind?”

“No,” Olivia confessed, “I guess maybe I was just a little surprised?”

“That I wanted,” Alex paused, wondering how to describe what she was craving. In the end, she decided to call it as it was – the way she felt, “Ownership sex?”

“Uh… yes.”

“You’re surprised.”

“Well… maybe?”

“I wanted to feel connected to you… Wanted you to know how much I love you.”

“And I love you, too, Sweetheart,” Olivia provided swiftly. “And I want to feel connected to you, too. And many other things.”

“And sometimes words just seem so inadequate.”

Olivia nodded. “I agree.”

“So now that we’ve got that settled,” Alex sighed, and pulled her lover back into her arms. It was enough psychological dissection for her. “You were talking about your mothers? And that possibly you were Michelle? In a former life?”

Chapter 37

“My last life, to be precise.”

“Liv…!”

“Don’t get so excited yet, Sweetheart, I didn’t say I believe…” Olivia said, and saw the brilliant smile freeze. What harm would it do to accept the idea, if it meant keeping that smile on her lover’s face? She found herself thinking.

“Okay… but…”

“Let’s say hypothetically I believe.”

“All right.”

“But last night, you said you were following Michelle,” Olivia quit trying to wrap her brains around the surreal subject, and voiced her logic, “If that was who you were following, then I can’t possibly have been her.”

“True,” Alex had to admit. “Strange. Somehow I never considered that. That’s not like me. Huh.”

Quietly, Olivia waited, hoping her lover would come up with an alternative. She wanted to have an open mind, she really did. Being Michelle was an idea she had grown fond of, especially if it also meant Alex was Bernard and that they had always been together.

“But, wait, what if that wasn’t Michelle?”

“You were following someone else?”

“Possibly?” The uncertainty had unsettled Alex. She sought another alternative. “But even if it were Michelle, that doesn’t mean we weren’t always together.”

“True,” Olivia nodded. She remembered dreams that would back that idea up, she wanted to say, but the absurdity of the statement made her pause.

Alex picked up on the hidden conviction. “You do believe!”

“Maybe? Possibly?” Olivia hedged. “I’ve had other dreams. I think we were other people.”

“What other dreams?”

“Um,” Olivia stumbled; she could feel her face burning against her lover’s skin. With a swallow and a sharp inhale, she changed the subject, “So…”

Sensing her lover’s hesitance, Alex decided to go with the moment; they could always revisit the discussion later. “Yes?”

“Are you going to… ef me, and make me yours?”

“Now?”

Holding her lover’s eyes, Olivia nodded. Just to make her intention clear, she rolled backwards, pulling the blonde along.

“Liv?”

The smile gracing pink lips made her heart skid. “Yeah?”

“Breathe…” Alex reminded as she stroked her hands up her lover’s shirt.

Chapter 38

Carefully, Olivia shifted her wrist, adjusting the pressure from her chin. Briefly, she focused on the discomfort, on the popping sound her joints made as she rotated her hand. She didn’t wait for the pain to completely subside before leaning against her palm again, this time closing her ear.

Her ears… Even with them closed she could still hear the thoughts in her head. She wished that wasn’t the case.

She wished concerns weren’t racing through her mind; she wished she weren’t troubled by ghosts or fretting over her lover’s health. If she could dream only of their future and not of other people’s past… their pasts…

Carefully, she stifled a sigh. At least one of them should have peace, she decided as she watched Alex sleep. Times like this, she envied the blonde. She wondered how she could be so unconcerned about everything that was happening at the castle, especially her own fainting spells.

Meanwhile, Olivia wanted to scream.

She wished she could.

She wished she could yell from her lungs like she used to do when she was a child, when her grandfather took her hiking and showed her what an echo was. Along the way, like everyone who had to grow up too fast, she had lost that innocent joy. Now all she heard was the cacophony of her fears.

“You have only two hands to hold on, so hold onto what you love most,” her mother spoke in her head, her almost forgotten voice as clear as day.

Olivia’s brows knitted at the reminder, put out of her mind so long ago. **Was that why you held onto me so tightly, Mom?**

The epiphany struck hard. Along with all the what-if’s and could-be’s, brought on by the stupid dreams.

She didn’t want to deal with any of those possibilities. Already there were resurfacing memories about her grandparents, no matter how welcomed, they were still something she had to reconcile. She had grown comfortable being a bastard product of rape; that fact dominated who she was – it was her make up, how she knew herself.

Suddenly, she felt the room closing in on her, the canopied bed suffocating. She wanted to leave this place, to flee.

Yet, she saw her hands reach out. Despite the unpleasant sensations of muscles unlocking and regaining circulation, they pulled her body along and wrapped them around the sleeping form. Instinctively, she inhaled sharply and held her breath.

When slim arms held her back, tight, her senses, her eyes burned

As if she shared the brunette’s thoughts, Alex kissed her on her head and whispered, “S’okay, I’m not going anywhere; I’m not letting you go.”

Chapter 39

“Alex?”

“Hm?”

“How long have we been here?” Olivia rubbed her nose against her lover’s chest, and wondered out loud. “A week? A little over?”

“Something like that?”

“I feel like, like we’re in a time warp.”

Alex laughed. “I think that’s call a vacation.”

“Can we, can we leave?” Olivia asked impulsively. She had made plans for their last night there, important plans with bells and whistles, but maybe she could improvise, and figure out something on her own.

“Leave? You mean go into town?”

“No, I meant leave, go somewhere else.”

“Where?”

If Olivia had looked up, she would have seen the twitch of her lover’s brows, instead she barreled forward. “I don’t know, travel around the area? Or go back to Paris early?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged.

“You feel trapped?”

Yeah, that was it. Before she finished her nod, she felt it, felt the blonde tense. “Not that I don’t like it here,” she tried to recover, “I feel, I don’t know, maybe a little restless?”

“Restless.”

At the tone of voice, the duplication of her word, Olivia pressed up on her elbows and leaned forward. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean,” she kissed pink lips softly, and said, “We can stay. As long as I’m with you, I’m great.”

Despite herself, Alex chuckled. She was certain the brunette didn’t think about how that sounded, and she smiled. “But you feel trapped.”

“Just a little restless,” Olivia emphasized. “Like maybe cabin fever? The sky looks so blue outside, it makes me want to go out and enjoy it. You know? The fresh air and stuff.”

“Fresh air, in Paris.”

“That was, never mind that, I didn’t mean that.” She grinned and touched nose with the blonde. “Heck, forget leaving. Fresh air’s over-rated. Let’s stay.”

“Stay?”

She dipped her head and tugged on soft skin gently with her lips.

“Careful.”

“Mm…” Olivia sucked harder, ignoring Alex’s warning, pushing her tongue against the spot, and savoring her lover’s shivers.

“Liv!”

“Mmm?”

“Never… never mind…”

Chapter 40

For the last fifteen minutes or so, Alex watched her lover intently, wondering why she had agreed to stopping at the market to load up on snacks. It had seemed like a fine idea at the time, if not down right prudent. Finally, she couldn’t stand it any longer. Pulling her legs to her chest, she asked, “What are you doing?” Olivia looked up in response to the slight tone of exasperation. ”What? This?”

Alex didn’t know if she should cringe or laugh as the woman bit the head off a red gummy bear, and placed the body against the green head she had left, and jammed them together. “Yes.”

“Playing with my food?” Olivia grinned and offered Alex the pieced together candy. She couldn’t help but snigger when the blonde shook her head vigorously as if she had seen Frankenstein’s creation. “You’ve never done that?”

“Uh. No.”

“Not even when you were young?”

“No.”

“Did you even have gummy bears?”

“Of course!”

“You sure?” Olivia teased as she stretched the arms and legs of her next victim, carefully pinching and shaping them with her fingers so they didn’t break.

“Liv!”

“What?” She asked, before licking the gummy bear’s head, moistening it for better stretching. Now she was being aggravating, and possibly grossing Alex out, she knew, but something about her lover’s sense of propriety just made her want to knock it down and take it apart. The blonde felt the same way about deconstructing her, so fair was fair, she decided, as she sucked her handiwork slowly into her mouth.

“Stop that! Stop playing with your food!”

With a smile, Olivia blocked her lover’s kicking foot. She held it in her hand, and resisted the urge to follow its curve and stroke up. Instead, she squeezed it warmly before placing it gently back on the bed. Then an idea came to her mind, and she set it in motion. Reaching into the bag, she pulled out a yellow and an orange gummy bear. “Oh, look, our colors!” She said and offered a toothy smile when Alex rolled her eyes. “Let me show you something.”

“Oh, great. A two-headed monster?”

“Better. Siamese twins.” Olivia bit an arm off of each bear and ran her tongue along the altered side. When she felt they were sufficiently prepared, she mashed them together. “See?”

Alex merely sighed.

“Although I don’t think that’s how soul mates were first made, before they were severed, according to the myths,” Olivia expounded as she pulled out another set of yellow and orange bears, and licked their fronts.

Chapter 41

“That’s obscene, Liv,” Alex scolded. Try as she might, she couldn’t look away from what her lover was doing. “Stop it.”

“Why? That’s how soul mates were supposed to be. Joined at the navels,” Olivia explained with a straight face as she manipulated the gummy bears. “With four arms and four legs and they move around like cartwheels. Although… If you shift them just a little, like so…”

“Stop it!”

“What?”

“Just… Just eat your snacks, okay? Please, Liv? Or maybe you should put them away, I’m sure it’s almost lunchtime.”

“Why?” With a winking smile, Olivia asked, “Giving you ideas?”

“Shut up.”

“You know you were quite good for breakfast…”

“Shut up, Liv!”

“I could definitely eat you again for lunch.”

“We just… just stop it.” Alex didn’t need the extra visuals, what the brunette provided earlier while she was licking and pinching the candy was quite enough. She wrapped the sheets tighter around herself as if it was a shield.

“Why?” Olivia asked, intentionally keeping a distance between them to tease. “You didn’t enjoy what I did?”

“You know damn well…”

“Then don’t you want more? Or is that the problem?”

“Olivia Benson.”

“Uh oh, I’m in trouble, aren’t I?” Olivia grinned. “I got the sexy beast out of her cage.”

“We’ve been at it all morning.”

“Yep.”

“Like bunnies.”

“We’re on vacation. You said so yourself.” With nimble fingers, Olivia switched the bears around, flipping the yellow one on its belly and putting the orange one on top. “How’bout this? What do you think?” She asked, imagining she could hear her lover’s hitching breaths.

“I like the other better.” ”Really? Imagine a little black strap around her waist.”

“What waist?” Alex protested, fighting a losing battle to keep an edge to her voice. They both knew all she needed was a little push. “And it’s a gummy bear, not a ‘she’.”

“All right, fine, if you have to be so literal. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to be playful.”

“More like seduce me.”

“Working?”

“You mentioned something about a black strap?”

“Oh, yeah, Baby…”

Chapter 42

“You think we’re always who we are?” Olivia asked softly, not wanting to break the comfortable silence but needing to.

Tenderly, Alex continued running her fingers through her lover’s hair, enjoying the languid afterglow. “What do you mean?”

“Like maybe we were some other people?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to convince you.”

“No, I mean other, other people.”

“What?” Alex let out a light chuckle and lifted the brunette’s chin from her chest. Their eyes met. “Why don’t you just say what you really mean?”

“Other genders.”

“I see.” She smiled. “Michelle and Bernard…”

“If they’re really who we were…” Olivia interrupted.

“Bernard was a man.”

“I guess so.”

The reply drew a laugh from the blonde. “Liv! I’m sure my great-grandfather was a man.”

Olivia merely sighed. She tore her eyes away from her lover’s and let her gaze drop, and she sighed again. “I… I had another dream…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m having a hard time forgetting his eyes.”

“His eyes,” Alex repeated, hedging her feelings, and bracing herself for the next revelation.

“It’s not what you think.”

“To be honest, Liv, I’m not sure what to think.”

“It’s a good thing, I think,” Olivia offered. She could feel the fire spreading across her cheeks. “It goes along with your theory that we’ve been together before…”

“Oh?”

“They’re your eyes.”

“My eyes?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not all…”

“Okay…” Alex replied. Her lover’s voice was so soft, she almost had to strain to hear. Before she could question, Olivia provided the reason for her reserve.

“I felt us… doing it.”

Chapter 43

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, even though she knew exactly what her lover meant.

”Exactly what I said.”

She didn’t know why she found Olivia’s embarrassment humorous, nor did she stop to analyze herself. She kept her voice leveled. “We were having sex.”

“Yes.”

“I was fucking you, in your dream.”

“…Yes.”

“And in your dream, I was a man.”

With reluctance, Olivia nodded. She should’ve kept the whole thing to herself, she thought. When her lover remained silent, she asked, “Are you mad?”

“Was I good?”

Olivia reacted to the low chuckle. “Alex!”

“Was I big? Did I cum inside you and make you all sticky and gooey?”

“Alex, stop it! That’s gross!” She wanted to get away; she started pulling up.

“Hey, you’re the one who’s slept with…” The blonde stopped abruptly, realizing what she had said.

“Yes?” Olivia felt the table turning. “Sweetheart?”

“… Men, Liv, you slept with men.”

“You mean you haven’t?”

“Well, I…”

“But what about Langan? You guys were an item, I thought.” Olivia demanded, “And the, what’s-his-name, in Jersey, Elliot told me all about him.” Even now she wished she were the one who had gone with Alex and Huang instead.

“Not all relationship has to be physical, Liv.”

“Just women?”

“Well… technically, yes.”

“Technically?” Olivia asked. Quickly, she offered, “Wait, you don’t’ have to tell me. It’s really none of my business, your past, before me… Wait, you mean I, I’m the only, with this thing…” She pushed up on her hands, and looked down between her legs. She took in the dangling toy, and imagined it still hot and wet with her lover’s heat, and felt light-headed. Falling back onto her elbows, she locked eyes with the blonde again. “I’m, I’m the only?”

“We’ve been through this,” Alex replied, watching the emotions play on the brunette’s face, taking in her shell-shocked smile. Swallowing a silent breath, she reminded, “On Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh, my God, and here I’ve been driving myself crazy, every time I lay eyes on Langan, imagining him and all the men you milked dry, you know, the way you…”

“Liv!”

It was improper, her glee, her relief, her general reaction to the revelation, Olivia thought, but she couldn’t help herself. “Oh, my God…”

Alex reached out to touch her lover’s face. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Olivia felt the hesitance; she blinked. “Mind what?”

“I don’t know?”

“You’re giving me all sorts of issues, oh my god, good issues, I think,” Olivia explained, feeling ready to burst. “But, anyway, we can deal with that later. Anyway, can I? Again? Oh, my god. Please, please? I want to, I need to…”

“Hush.”

“Alex?”

She traced her lover’s mouth with the tip of her finger, and then further silenced her with her lips. “Do it,” she whispered in between deepening, yielding kisses, “Stick it in me…”

Chapter 44

“What?”

“What ‘what’?”

Alex could feel her lover’s stare, even with her back to her. She turned another page of the photo album and changed the subject, “I really wish I could play the violin. Did you have music lessons when you were little?”

“No.”

“Other extracurricular activities?”

“Sunday school.”

“Not feeling very chatty?” She asked, still refusing to look up, to face whatever it was in the deep brown eyes.

Olivia let out a small breath and tried, “My mom, well, I really don’t remember, or understand… Um, I read a lot. She was always taking me to the library. And I did go to Sunday school, at least for a few years. I guess, I guess she kept me with her a lot. And I had Ben, so I was never lonely.”

That wasn’t what Alex had asked, not exactly, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she continued with her own topic, “It’s funny, I never understood why all the music lessons. Seriously, it’s like algebra, or better yet, trig, when do you get to use it again?”

“Maybe you should try again? The violin, I mean.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Why not?”

Ignoring the question, Alex turned another page. “Sometimes I think all the lessons though, and the tutors, and the other kids, maybe my parents just didn’t want me to grow up like an only child. Personally, I don’t think I would’ve minded it. I would’ve loved all the time to myself, to read.” She pointed to a formal photograph of Bernard in tuxedo, playing the cello. “Actually, I’m not sure which I want more, to play the violin or the cello.”

“Just string instruments?” Olivia was amused. She felt like they were both trying to avoid something, well, her lover was definitely avoiding her. The woman hasn’t stopped talking since they left their room. If she didn’t know better, she’d think Alex was nervous.

“There’s just something about strings. The sounds they make. They remind me of the human voice.”

“True. Hank plays the violin. He was in the school orchestra.”

“At Siena?”

“Yup.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t go to Columbia, considering…”

“My mom? Yeah, I’m not sure either, but you know what? I’m glad. I knew some faculty kids, and they always seemed a little… weird, maybe?”

“Too much expectation,” Alex said; she knew all about that. “Anyway, they made a handsome couple, don’t you think?” She asked, pointing at another photograph. “Even though they were my ancestors.”

“Gorgeous, and you definitely have their genes.” Olivia smiled. “Although your father wasn’t bad looking either.”

“No, he wasn’t. Ling has Bernard’s cello, you know? She still plays.”

Chapter 45

“She does?”

“She was actually playing with the Bar Association orchestra a few years back.”

“Really.”

“Then she got too busy with her firm,” Alex continued, swallowing a sigh. Ever since Christmas, when her friend had put the idea in her head, she had been thinking about the idea of returning to New York, and joining her practice. If she wasn’t careful, she would find herself fantasizing about her office, about Ling’s old neighbor the Rohde’s house, which was now hers, and dreaming a life with Olivia. “Anyway, doesn’t matter. Let’s change the subject.”

“What’s with the fascination with the cello, Sweetheart?”

“I don’t know.” Alex shrugged. “I just wish…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know.” She made a motion with her hands, boxing the space before her. “Don’t you think it’s kind of sexy to have this incredible music coming from here?”

Olivia laughed. “I can be your cello.”

“I don’t mean that!”

“Oh, but I do.”

Alex shook her head and smiled. “Liv…”

“Seriously, Baby, I’d be anything you want.”

“You didn’t just say that. Oh, god, you didn’t.” Alex laughed. “Seriously, this bunny needs a rest, a real one.”

Instantly, Olivia felt bad. She knew she had gone a little over board, and played a little rough, but her lover had responded and urged her on. “Sore?”

Looking up and letting their eyes meet, Alex assured. “In a very good way.”

“You sure?”

“I wanted more, remember?” ”I know.”

She leaned in, and placed a chaste kiss on Olivia’s lips. “Sometimes I like this feeling, that we’ve spent hours making mad passionate love.”

“Well, we did do that.”

“And I like the reminder, makes me feel like I’m yours.”

Olivia closed her eyes and pulled herself from her lover’s space. “Stop, stop,” she reminded. “While I still have control over my bunny, since your bunny’s pooped. And sore.”

“Not that sore, but yes, pooped, at least for now.”

Olivia let her gaze linger on Alex, and watched her hand run along the edge of the photo album. “About your past,” she asked, taking advantage of the opening before the blonde filled it again with uncharacteristic chatter. “Did you mean it when you said all I had to do was ask?”

Chapter 46

“Yeah?” Alex replied, trying not to freeze. Ever since she told her about the men, or the lack there of, she had been trying to avoid the subject. She knew the brunette would bring it up, judging by the look in her eyes. And she hoped she didn’t have to lie.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I what?”

“Sleep with them, men; I thought you were going to marry a Langan?” Olivia decided to cut to the chase. Ever since she’d found out, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. The gloating aside, she wondered about herself. “Or have you always known?”

“Known?”

“That you liked only women?”

Softly, Alex breathed, controlling her sigh. If this was the direction Olivia wanted to take the conversation, she could definitely handle. “I’m not sure… When Ling and I kissed…” ”When you were twelve.”

“Yes, when we were twelve,” Alex confirmed. “Then when Leon and I… I was older.”

“And?”

“The experiences were similar…” She remembered his hands around her back, and her hand reaching to touch his crotch when Edith walked in and separated them. “I felt similarly nothing,” she decided, not revulsion with Messinger nor Langan. “Except curiosity.”

“Nothing?”

“Nada.”

“Then when?”

Deliberately, she tried to recall the time when Serena and Casey had a fight, and Serena went sobbing drunk to her apartment and then tried to kiss her. That kiss sparked something, but the feeling was definitely not right. “I don’t know.”

“I hate to bring him up, again, I mean, since I just did,” Olivia said and stopped and inhaled. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay.” Alex reached for the brunette’s hand. She caressed her long, expressive fingers, and continued softly. “I loved Kenneth. But I’m not sure I was ever in love with him. At the time, I thought I could… learn maybe? I don’t know.”

“Kenneth?” Olivia let that surprise go. “Learn? To be in love with him? But why? If you didn’t… did your mom want you to? Did his parents…?”

“My mom didn’t say anything. Edith asked. Maybe my mom put her to it. Anyway, Edith asked if I knew what I was doing.” Alex sighed. “And Martha talked to him, tried to talk him out of it.”

“Why’d she do that?”

“Maybe she knew I didn’t or couldn’t love him the way he deserved?” Alex shrugged, and added with a winking smile. “Maybe she’s a seer, and saw into the future, and knew I’d fall in love with this hot cop I work with, and wanted to spare everyone? Really, can you imagine the scandal when I leave him to chase after her?”

Chapter 47

“This hot cop, you do mean me, right?”

Alex pretended to smack her lover on the head. “Of course, silly.”

There was something else besides the teasing, Olivia decided as she absorbed their conversation. “Would you really? Leave him?”

“It’s only hypothetical, considering.”

“Yeah?”

“It wouldn’t just be him, we’d probably have kids,” Alex said with a small smile. “Is it really a fair question to ask?”

“I, um, I suppose not. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She reached up, and touched her lover’s cheek, and let her fingers take in the softness of her skin. “I don’t regret the way things turned out.”

They had had this conversation before, in Paris, only then it was about life in general. Was the blonde just reiterating that? Olivia wondered. She remained silent and focused on her lover’s touch, the gentleness of her caress as she traced the contours of her features, as if trying to memorize them.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Your hypothetical. I don’t think I’ve ever felt,” Alex began, and then she stopped and took another breath. “What I feel towards you, is so much more.”

“It is?” Olivia tried not to squeak. She exhaled a giddy giggle. “I’m glad. I, you, you know how I feel about you. And, and what you said earlier, about not letting go…”

“I meant what I said.”

“Good, I’m glad, please don’t ever.” Before she could ramble on, she stopped. Now would be a good time to run upstairs to their bedroom and grab the ring. Grab the ring and ask the question that had been sitting in her head for weeks, if not months, and at the tip of her tongue for days. Like so many times before, she decided against the impulse. “I don’t think I’d survive. I’ll probably do something crazy, crazy and stupid.”

“And probably self-detrimental?” The image that fell into Alex’s mind was not a pleasant one; she pushed it away. “Somehow I don’t doubt that,” she said with a light laugh aimed to tease, to refresh the mood.

Olivia grinned. “I’m such a drama queen.”

“S’okay. Melodrama can be charming.” Alex tapped her lover’s nose. “Meanwhile, I’ll keep chasing you if I have to.”

Chapter 48

“Keep chasing?” Olivia repeated, amusement sparkled in her eyes.

“Yeah?”

“I thought I chased you?”

Alex lifted her brows and matched her lover’s grin. “You did?”

“What do you call all the dates, and the forever you made me wait?”

“Dating? Same thing we’re doing?”

“But you made me wait.”

Alex laughed. She couldn’t help it. “Are we going to keep coming back to that?”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe I just wanted to make sure?”

“Make sure?”

“That you’re worth it? Worth my efforts?” Alex replied. “That I wanted a physical relationship with you, at the very least?”

“Thought you chased me? Wouldn’t you have decided you wanted to get inside my pants already?” Olivia reminded, seemingly pleased with herself.

“But I did. Felt like I did.” Alex searched her lover’s face. “Maybe we chased each other. Does it really matter?”

Olivia shrugged. “Guess not.” She smiled. “The important thing is we’re together…”

Somehow, the statement felt more like a question. Suddenly, Alex felt like she couldn’t breathe. “I think so. Don’t you?”

“Absolutely, I think so.”

Their eyes remained locked. Where were they going with this conversation? In fact, how did they get on this topic? And what was going through her lover’s head? Alex wondered.

“About your past…” Olivia squeezed the blonde’s fingers. “Listen, I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have asked. It’s irrelevant, really. And I’m sorry I acted like an ass.”

“You did?”

“How I felt when I found out, that you haven’t been with men, and what I did.”

“Did I complain?”

“No?”

“I did anything but, if I recalled correctly.”

The teasing blue glint made Olivia smile. It was amazing, how the woman made her feel. “If I recalled correctly, there were quite a few ‘yeses’. Although I think we should stop talking about it. Might make me want you again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will. Although I’m not sure I ever stop. Wanting you, I mean, if I’ll ever have enough.”

Alex shook her head and widened her grin. “Liv… People are going to think we boink like rabbits.”

“Hate to tell you this, Sweetheart, but I’m pretty sure they already think that.” Olivia laughed, and tug on her lover’s hand. “Come, we should get ready. We don’t wanna be late and lose our reservation.”

“Can you imagine if we were really rabbits? Baby bunny making rabbits?”

“It’s a good thing we aren’t!” Olivia’s laughter grew. “Talk about the world being over populated!”

“True,” Alex replied softly. “Very true,” she repeated with a brighter smile, and focused on the brunette’s strength as she pulled her to her feet.

Chapter 49

“That was good, wasn’t it?” Olivia sighed and sank into the seat of the red Delahaye and watched her lover climb into the driver’s seat. “How do you drive this thing?”

Alex simply smiled and turned the ignition. She felt alive as the engine roared. “Ready for dessert? There’s this wine and sweets place; it stays open…”

“Oh, god, Sweetheart…”

“No room?”

“Stuffed.” The responding blue glint made Olivia protest. “Alex!”

The blonde licked her lips and let her eyes sweep along Olivia’s body. She imagined she could hear her lover swallow hard, and she grinned. “You said it. Put the invitation on an engraved platter even.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to accept,” Olivia countered, and attempted to divert the attention. “Hard to believe this was a race car. How fast do you think it’d go?” She reached over and touched the gear shift, and hoped the shadowed darkness had masqueraded her blush.

“You want to find out?”

“Huh? When?” Olivia asked, fearing the answer as her companion rested her hand against the steering wheel, stroking it as if it was a familiar lover.

“Now’s as good a time as any?”

“Jesus, Alex, it’s dark outside.”

“There are stars in the sky. And the moon,” Alex provided. “And the roads would be empty.”

“Exactly. What if we blew a tire?”

“I thought you knew how to change it?”

“Of course I do. But…” Before Olivia could finish the sentence, they accelerated. She grabbed onto the seatbelt for anchor.

“Breathe.”

At her lover’s reminder, she inhaled, and felt the country air rush into her lungs. Suddenly, it seemed familiar, the sensation.

“Don’t you just love…”

Olivia heard the beginning of the blonde’s sentence; she saw the speed gauge creep towards the limit. The roar in her head made her lose focus. Something about this… feeling… of Alex driving, brought back something. “Memoire involuntaire?”

“Pardon? What did you say, Liv?” Alex yelled over the engine.

“Never mind the speed limit; we’re going to get arrested, for disturbing the peace!”

“Relax, Liv!” Alex laughed. “We’re almost out of the village. Then we can go as fast as we want!”

Chapter 50

“What did you say earlier?”

“Nothing. Not important. Let’s not talk,” Olivia replied, feeling light-headed.

“Why?”

“At least not until we stopped.” As soon as she said that, the car lurched to a halt. “Jesus.” She hugged her stomach. “We just ate, remember?”

“Sorry?” Alex offered a sheepish grin. “Don’t you get into police chases?”

“Yes, in a lit city. Worse we could do is get into a pile up, or run into the side of a building. Not have a Thelma and Louise moment off the cliff.”

“We’re nowhere near the cliffs.”

“How can you tell? We see, what, six feet ahead?”

“You’re cute when you whine.”

Olivia saw her lover reach over, involuntarily, she blocked her hand. “Stop it! I’m not whining,” she said, though her voice sounded otherwise.

“What’s wrong, Liv?”

The hurt in the blonde’s tone was clear, and instantly, Olivia regretted her actions. “I’m sorry, Baby. It’s just… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what?”

“I’m not sure,” she tried to put into words. “I felt something earlier. It was just a feeling; it came out of the blue and it felt so real. It was like déjà vu, sort of, a memory I have no control over. Oh, hell, it doesn’t make sense. Nothing’s made sense since we got here!”

“You want to leave? Fine, we can leave, right now, that’s all you need to say.”

“But, Sweetheart.”

“You want to leave. You’ve said it before.”

“Did I? I can’t remember?” Olivia shook her head. “I wanted to stay in town. I wanted to see… I was worried…”

“You wanted to see?”

She hated it when her lover repeated her words, like a mal-function echo that distorted the meaning of things she tried to say. Wisely, she kept her feelings to herself. “I wanted to,” she began, and stopped for a long sigh. “I was worried about you, I still am.”

“About what?”

“Sleep-walking, fainting spells, signs of PTSD.”

“I don’t have PTSD.”

“And the alternatives are worse.”

“I’m not sick!”

Chapter 51

“Then what do you call the fainting spells and the sleep-walking?” Olivia demanded, now feeling like an echo herself. This was how fights used to escalate between them, and things would spiral downhill until they stopped talking to each other. She couldn’t let that happen now, but she feared she couldn’t stop the progress any more than she could a derailing train. “Seriously, how do you explain them?”

“I don’t know. These things just happen when I’m here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Alex repeated, adamantly, “I’m not sick.”

Keeping her mouth shut and her response to herself, tentatively, Olivia reached out. Relieved that the blonde didn’t pull away, and fearing to let go, she twined their fingers together and held on. “Exactly, Baby,” she addressed the earlier statement with a softer voice, “Just when you’re here. So I wanted to stay in the village, to rule out, to see if the, episodes, if they would stop, even though I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“So this is a test.”

“You can call it that, sure.”

“But I don’t faint or hallucinate or sleep-walk everyday.”

“Hallucinate?”

“I told you about seeing and following Michelle, or were you not listening?”

“Of course I was, I heard you,” Olivia said quickly. “I’m, for some reason, it just, I just didn’t think about it.”

“Why? Because it’ll prove that I’m not sick or crazy?”

“Never said you were crazy, Alex!” She so wanted to let go, to get out of the car and away from this argument, and slamming the door in the process. That act of violence would felt so good. Instead, she took a deep breath and held on to her lover’s hand. “And I’m not saying you’re sick. I’m just worried.”

“Because you don’t believe.”

The accusation and the certainty in blue eyes stung. “I’m trying to.”

“Talk to Nicole, Christian, hell, talk to my mom, or Ling, every one of them will have stories to tell you about Mondestin,” Alex revealed, her voice edging harsher, “Comes with the territory, you either believe and accept it, or you don’t.”

It was an ultimatum, Olivia realized. She hated ultimatums; her mother gave them to her all the time. People have no right to demand decisions like that on the fly, or decisions like that, period. She wanted to tell her lover, but she didn’t. “Ling, too?”

“We used to stare at that painting when we were young. We would stare at it for hours.”

“And?”

“She followed us with her eyes.”

Chapter 52

The seriousness in her lover’s voice made Olivia want to laugh. “Yeah?”

“She watched us, she watched us and smiled!”

“Okay…”

“You think it’s funny, don’t you?”

Alex started to pull her hand back, but Olivia held on. She tried to sound earnest, “It’s a very realistic painting. People say the same thing about the Mona Lisa.”

“People don’t have documentations on the Mona Lisa changing.”

“What do you mean?”

“There are photographs, in the boxes from the attic.”

“You can hardly call a watch tower in a castle an attic,” Olivia said, using the occasion to release her laughter. Something about their conversation made her want to laugh her head off. Its absurdity no doubt.

“It’s just a home.”

“Home of your ancestors,” Olivia elaborated. Certain wistfulness in Alex’s voice had struck her. “I understand. And you want me to like it.” If she hadn’t been paying attention, she would’ve missed her lover’s nod. So afraid to admit their emotions, their wants, and in that way, they were so very much alike, she noted. “And I do like it, Sweetheart, it’s impressive, but it’s warm. And I can feel the love in it, now, and from before. The weird, quirky things just give it character.”

“Weird, I agree. I wouldn’t call stuff of horror movies quirky.”

The statement itself, the roll of grey-blue eyes, they were designed to make light of the situation, to deflect true feelings. “You mean the haunting,” Olivia provided, and watched for her lover’s reaction to help her gauge her steps. “It’s not malevolent, right?”

“Never.”

“You’ve never seen Ling turn her head around 360 degrees?”

“Liv!”

“Then we’re not talking about horror stories.”

“Then you don’t hate it here.”

“Absolutely not, Sweetheart,” Olivia assured. “The air is fresh, the village isn’t crowded, we have all the conveniences of a city, but the people are nice, and, most importantly, Mondestin’s your ancestral home.”

“Then why don’t you want to stay?”

“I thought I just explained why.”

Chapter 53

Olivia was a little surprised when Alex gave in. It only took her teasing about her whining for the woman to relent. The blonde even kept her driving steady, obeying the speed limit when they backtracked to the village. Without too much difficulty, they found a hotel with an available room. It was a nice one, too: another former chateau. Except it looked like one of those “maisons” in Paris, which the detective imagined looked like the houses on Park Avenue inside.

Their room looked comfortable. Not terribly opulent. Definitely smaller but somehow less cozy then Michelle and Bernard’s room that they had been staying in. When she told her lover her feeling, she received a warm, genuine smile.

They were told that from their window, they had a partial view of the Chateau on the river. They were supposedly not far from all these tourist interests that Olivia just remembered reading about in her travel guides, that she suddenly thought they should visit.

She was looking forward to the morning.

She was counting on her first dreamless night in days.

And she was confident that Alex would be there when she woke up.

She wasn’t counting on the note, which she now held in her hand, which she had been holding in her hand for the last hour. It was probably just ten minutes, or even less, but it felt like a life time had passed her by, as she read the note over, and over again.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she read the first sentence aloud.

Do what? She demanded silently.

“I’m taking the car and going back to Mondestin,” Alex’s elegant hand continued. “Don’t worry, I will arrange for your transportation back, either with the concierge downstairs, or through Olga.”

“Then what?” Olivia shouted. The letter didn’t say. It didn’t even contain a closing salutation, no ‘love, Jaime’, not even a signature with a smiley face. It was just there, a small paragraph, staring at her, mocking her for being caught off guard.

And she prided herself on being a light-sleeper. And she called herself a detective. How could she not sense anything seriously wrong? How could she not wake up when Alex did? How could she let her walk out of the room and not notice?

“Fuck,” she cursed. She balled the paper in her fist and dropped her forehead hard against her closed hand. Unfortunately, the impact didn’t clear her head.

She was truly, absolutely, fucked. And according to the front desk, the earliest they could arrange for a car was seven-thirty, and that was still several hours away…

Chapter 54

When Olivia returned to Mondestin, the first thing she did was race upstairs to their room. Then she went to the tower, and then to the library. When she found the spaces deserted, she ran back upstairs, to check the bathroom. Finally, Olga stopped her while she was on her way to the music parlor, and told her “Jaime” had left at dawn for the stable, and had said she didn’t want to be disturbed, and would return “whenever”.

Olivia was mad when she heard that. Livid.

She was even more angry when she realized Olga had tried to tell her earlier, when she first returned to the chateau. Had she stopped and listened, she wouldn’t have wasted all that time running around.

“Not wanting to be disturbed,” Olivia muttered, stomping around in their room. “Not wanting, to be disturbed,” she spoke, spitting out every syllable, throwing her hands up; she repeated the sentence, her voice louder and louder, as if expecting someone to reply.

Her anger was the only answer she heard.

She didn’t understand why Alex left in the first place.

She didn’t understand why everything she touched, every relationship she had, all eventually turned to Hell. She fumed and dropped into the divan, thinking, maybe it was a good thing she hadn’t proposed.

“God, I need a drink,” Olivia said. She stood up and walked towards the door. Then she remembered the wine they had brought from Paris; it was sweet, a dessert wine. Sweet drinks always got to her head faster.

Half way to the closet, she turned her heels. Soberly, she sank into their bed, recalling the shit-faced fool she had made of herself a few months ago, and the promise she had made to her lover. Most of all, she remembered her mother, and the woman’s drunken rages that would turn into crying fits, which often deteriorated into suicidal threats that drove Olivia crazy. Once she actually told her to do it. “Yes, mom, I wish you would. Then I’d be free, free, free!” She had yelled at the poor woman, only to break down immediately afterwards and apologize. She didn’t mean what she said. And most of all, she didn’t want to be her mother.

“No, no. No!”

Almost violently, she shook her head, hoping to shake it clear.

“What have I done? Or what didn’t I do?” She asked no one in particular and looked around. She didn’t know why she did that, what was she expecting? One of her lover’s ghosts to answer? “Is that what you can’t ‘do’?” She questioned, “What is it that you can’t do anymore?

“Why did you go and leave me in the hotel?” She acknowledged the hurt behind her fury. Then she realized she was mad partly because Alex had done precisely what she had wanted to do, when they were arguing in the car. Walk out, slam the door, and storm away without looking back, that was exactly what she wished she had done. Instead, she just sat there and pleaded like a passive lamb, because all of a sudden, she decided they shouldn’t waste time fighting.

“When did our roles switch?

“Had they really?” She asked again, remembering her lover’s hotheadedness, the cold fire in her eyes, when they would argue about how to handle a case. “And they say all lawyers, at least the litigators, the good ones, have a sense of drama.

“God,” she whispered and rubbed her face in her hands. “We’re both such drama queens,” she sighed, and slapped her knees, and stood. “Okay, Benson, think.

“How do we fix this?”

Chapter 55

Alex held onto Milou’s mane, her knees nudging him on, farther and farther away from the chateau as hers and Olivia’s repeated discussions about sleepwalking, hallucinations, stress, trauma and her lover’s near hysteria replayed in her head like a broken DVD she couldn’t stop.

"Bottom line: you'd rather believe that there's something wrong with me, than believe what I've been saying and seeing might be real?" She asked during one of their arguments.

"No, that's not true,” Olivia defended herself of course. “I don't ever want there to be anything wrong with you... I... I don't know what to think, or believe."

"Do you believe in unconditional love, Olivia?"

"I'd like to."

Her lover’s statement had sounded more like a question and in wounded response, Alex demanded, "Then why can't you believe in blind faith?"

"I, I can't."

"Fine."

The whole thing made her blood boil.

She was done with sensitive chats, even though she was the one who encouraged it in the beginning of their relationship.

“You want adversarial, Olivia?” She grunted through her teeth, while the horse jumped over a thick hatch. “You got it.

“Ugh!” She yelled in frustration and discomfort. Maybe riding bareback wasn’t the brightest idea. Maybe coming to France, especially Mondestin, wasn’t the brightest idea. Why on earth did she listen to her mother? Why on earth did she think Olivia would be willing or even ready to accept ghosts in their midst. A haunted ancestral home was a far-fetched idea, Alex had to admit, especially for someone who had lost faith even in the notion of the Holy Ghost.

“Belief,” Alex said the word as if it was a curse.

She had no choice but to believe after she saw the plane crash into the building with her very eyes, when people started jumping and falling out of the sky, no choice when she had to face the gaping space where the Twin Towers used to be everyday. She didn’t want to believe when she read her own obituary, but her smiling photograph, taken during a press conference, stared back at her. She was so proud then, having won yet another case for the People, having achieved the highest prosecutorial success rate in the history of the Unit. She had to believe when she herself was no more than a ghost in most people’s memory.

“Belief,” she mocked, as if the concept was a travesty.

The innocence in her lover’s laugh was one of the first things that attracted her to the brunette. The simple childish joy in her eyes when she watched cartoons was something she felt privileged to have discovered, fortunate to share. Perhaps, from a case and life-hardened detective, she was expecting too much. Maybe she was the one who should learn to accept.

Except when had Alex Cabot been known to accept imperfection? She routinely beat herself up for her imperfect trial record. Even as Jaime O’Brien, she still did that. Even now, riding, for the first time since her father’s death, since she ran away that time, the horse’s gallop had to be perfect. Not that she had any choice in that matter, for human and animal had to be in perfect harmony, had to have perfect understanding of each other, especially since she was riding without protection.

Just like with Olivia, she realized, as sudden fear gnawed at her stomach, as her adrenaline raced while self-preservation instincts kicked in. Alarmed, she tried to control her reaction, lest Milou sensed and reacted to her anxiety. Failing, she halted the horse to a stop, and hopped down. Looking at the situation, situations rather, with her horse and her human, she was immediately struck by the parallel. Wrapping her arms around herself, she began pacing.

Chapter 56

On top of the chateau, Olivia stood, leaning over the stones, watching. She thought she could see a white patch amongst the green, moving slowly, and she imagined that was Alex and Milou, taking their time to return. Or it was Alex, stalking around, trying to clear her head, while the horse grazed, hidden by trees. She didn’t let her imagination run anywhere else. Her lover grew up riding and knew everything there was about horses, and Milou was tamer than a pet puppy, Olivia reminded herself as she stood at the exact same spot they had made love.

It was just the other night that Alex had pulled her in. She still remembered the smile on the woman’s face, yet seductive, yet shy, as she slipped loose the knot of her rope… and the hoarse whisper when she asked… and the power of the word.

“Fuck me,” Olivia could still hear; it still tugged at her heart, just like it did that night, when she held her lover in her arms, when she mashed their breasts, their bodies together. The hitched mantra filled her head while she pushed inside the blonde, thrusting, taking her hard and raw as she had requested, demanded. She recalled their insistent kisses during and afterwards that left their lips bruised but their hearts rejoicing…

Yet, if Olivia closed her eyes, she would see her lover’s note, telling her equivocally that she was done. Done with what? Staying in the village? Olivia’s inability or unwillingness to accept things that go bump in the night or that required blind faith? Was the blonde through with their relationship?

Olivia closed her fists and pressed her body against the stone rampart, and looked down. She remembered her lover relating how she had always had this urge to jump from high places, how she had wanted to fly. She tried not to psychoanalyze her then, just as she refused to do so now. Instead, she focused on her own fear – fear of falling.

Was it so hard to just take that leap? Would she fall on her ass, and could she get up and walk away? Or would she tumble off the cliff, her being damaged beyond recognition by the time she hit the ground?

She unclenched her hands and imagined herself soaring, and found her eyes focused on the blurred white spot in the distance. Her feet firmly planted, she stared, willing the spot to grow nearer, to break through the shifting mists shrouding her vision. When that failed, she told herself it was at least not getting smaller, not going away.

Blind faith and unconditional love. Olivia considered her lover’s stipulation. Why was it so difficult for her to take that leap? Why couldn’t she have that faith? Her mother had faith, despite everything that had happened to her. Every Sunday morning, for as long as Olivia could remember, her mother would be sober, so she could go to church, so she could receive God. She used to think it absurd, hypocritical even. Now she questioned why couldn’t she have just half of her mother’s faith?

And she considered the alternative – the worst case scenario of what Alex could’ve meant when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. And once more she looked beyond the rampart to the sharp rocks of the cliff, and towards the deep forest. And she realized she must take that leap – take that leap and pray that she would sprout wings before she fell. The alternative was unbearable. That Alex would or could just walk away was even harder, and much worse, to believe.

Chapter 57

Hours passed, while Olivia watched the white spot in the distance. Then another spot appeared. For an instant, she felt foolish, that she had spent the entire morning gazing in the wrong direction. That feeling was replaced by joy as she recognized the cadence of the approach. She felt flooded with hope as she raced down the narrow stairs, through the secret library and their room. Her feet carried her to garden, where she spoke a mile a minute to the gardener, without really thinking. Then she sat, waiting, at the stone steps.

Alex dreaded each step she took back to the chateau. She didn’t want to face her lover, nor did she know how. Why did she run away? Was it fear? She told herself she wanted time alone, to think; but it was a lie. Instinct, primal self-preservation instinct drove her flight. Olivia would just have to understand, she decided as the stone structure filled her vision. Then a splash of colors by an entrance caught her eye. She squinted at the wild, irregular pile of flowers that wasn’t there before. In the middle, she found her lover’s crooked grin, and she had to laugh.

“You look ridiculous, like someone had replaced your body.”

“Nope, I did that,” Olivia offered with a brighter smile.

"What did you do? Rob the gardener?"

"No, I just told him I was in really deep shit," she said. In truth, she wasn’t sure exactly what she had told Henri. Whatever it was caused him to comb the garden like an overly efficient bee, and she ended up with an armful of flowers.

“You look like you robbed the gardener.”

“I was going to follow you, borrow a horse from the stable and go look for you,” Olivia replied in a more serious tone.

Alex remained silent, regarding her as if asking ‘why didn’t you.’

“But I thought if I fell off the horse and broke my neck, you’d kill me.” The brunette grinned. “And I think I look better covered in flowers alive, don’t you?”

Releasing a loud sigh, Alex sat next to her lover on the steps. "You make it so hard to stay angry with you."

"Are you still mad?"

"No."

There was an unmistakable touch of resignation in that syllable, and Olivia exhaled her own sigh. “We should talk.”

“Yeah, we should. I agree.”

“You wanna go first?” She was actually relieved when blonde head shook. If she spoke first, maybe she had a chance to repair things, even though it didn’t look like Alex was there to break up with her. “I just, I want you to understand… My job is not a television show, I can't believe in X-Files."

"I didn’t say you have to..."

“Oh, but the ghosts,” Olivia interrupted, “The painting that changes through time, the subject walking away and disappearing one day and reappearing the next with a hair cut. They’re not exactly normal things.”

“No, they’re not.”

“But you want me to believe.”

Chapter 58

“You don’t have to,” Alex answered quickly.

A little too quickly, Olivia noticed, and smiled. “Sweetheart.”

“Well…”

“It’s kind of hard not to, unless we’re all going nuts,” Olivia provided, repeating the rationale she used on herself, even though the topic was anything but rational.

“So you do believe?”

She ignored how the blonde tried to seem less hopeful, and spoke from her heart, "I believe in our love, I can honestly tell you. And I have faith in our love. I think those are the most important things, in the grand scheme of things. Don’t you?"

“True.”

“I would like to believe in the other stuff.” Things she’d rather not name; she’d really rather not give them that much power. “I would rather not believe that you’re unwell.”

“I’m not…”

“Baby, please. Listen, please.” Alex’s sigh was a sign that she could continue. “I’m a cop. I’ve been a cop for a third of my life, give or take. That’s a long time. And one of the things that make me such a good cop, and you such a good lawyer actually, is that we allow for all kinds of possibilities. Yes, I presume that a complainant is a bona fide victim, but I look at the facts, and if the facts don’t add up, that presumption goes out the window.”

“Okay…”

“I’m just asking you to help me, to give me all the facts.”

“But I’ve already told you! They ran all sorts of tests on me…”

“When you were a child, right?” Olivia appealed. “Medical technologies changed at lot, just in the last ten years. I don’t want you to be sick, trust me, I don’t want that. I just want to know that if you’re going to have fainting spells, or go walkies in the night, it’s really because of whatever tied to this place. And not anywhere else. And I’ll be psychologically prepared when we visit.”

“You know how absurd this conversation sounds.”

“Sweetheart.”

“Seriously, if other people overheard, they’d think we’re touched in the head.”

Chapter 59

“Not anyone here,” Olivia offered. She knew her tactic was working. Somehow she was not enjoying her victory like she thought she would. “They all think you’re fine. And I’d like to think that, too.”

“But you can’t. You need scientific proof.”

“I just want to be sure.” If she weren’t holding all the flowers, she would reach out to her lover; she would take her into her arms and hang on. Instead, she tried to do so with her words. “You know I worry; I worry about you a lot. And when we go back to the States, we’re going back to different cities. We don’t see each other everyday.”

“But we talk everyday.”

“But if you get tied up with work, or if you’re out doing stuff, and can’t make it home on time, or for whatever reason can’t call me right then, I’ll worry. I’ll worry sick.”

“I worry when you don’t call when you say you would,” Alex countered.

“Then you understand.”

She sighed. As much as she didn’t like it, she understood where Olivia was coming from. “Let me think about it.”

"That's all I was asking," Olivia said, giving her lover space.

“Even if I decided to do it, I need to make arrangements.”

“You don’t want the tests showing up in your records, especially if it’s nothing, I understand.”

“Maybe my mom knows someone.”

“Hopefully,” Olivia agreed. “So, are we okay?"

"Yeah, we're ok.” Alex smiled lightly, and plucked a blossom from the bundle. “Besides, I wouldn't want all these beautiful flowers to have their lives cut short in vain."

"Jeez.” Olivia made a face. “You killed all the romance."

"Aren't you all about Romeo and Juliet?" Alex laughed and leaned her head on her companion’s shoulder. She found herself wishing for time to stand still.

"Nope, not anymore,” Olivia replied, and pressed her lips to blonde tresses. “I wanna be an old crone with you." She meant every word.

Alex smiled, and reached up, to return the kiss. Moisture hitting her eyes made her say, “It’s getting misty.”

“You wanna go in?”

“Not just yet. You mind?”

“Nope, I could sit here forever, with you.”

The statement made Alex laughed. “You’re such a sap.” Then her expression turned serious. “And I’m such a sucker for your sap.”

Leaning in, Olivia caught her lover’s lips. When she pulled away, they were both smiling. “Works out well, if you asked me.”

“Yep, it does.”

Chapter 60

“You don’t think it’s weird?” Alex finally had to ask, as she finished pulling her clothes from the closet and joined Olivia by the bed.

“Weird?” ”That they just showed up?”

“This is their place.” Olivia shrugged, continuing with her own packing and not looking up.

“They’re just the current keepers.”

“Okay. And they’re running a hotel.”

“And we’re the only,” letting the shirt fall from her hands, Alex signed with her fingers, “Customers.”

“All right.” Olivia conceded. She didn’t understand why her lover was making such a big deal about having to leave Mondestin early, considering they were just talking about possibly visiting other parts of the Loire near Saumur. “So what? You think they’re here because we had a fight?”

“Maybe? Maybe it’s their idea of intervention.”

“That’s fine by me.”

“What?”

“Well,” Olivia reasoned, “If they care enough about our fight, to drop everything, to come back, and make up some excuse about the contractors suddenly available to update the plumbing and take us back to Paris, that means they accept me in your life, they accept us, that’s fine by me.” She dropped the last of her clothes in her bag and pulled the zipper. “You want help?”

Alex stepped aside for her lover. “Maybe my mom put them to it.”

“That means someone cared enough to tell her.”

“They might have thought she’d want to know.”

“Which means your mom let them, whoever they are, she’d let them know she wants us together, not fighting. She wants us happy and getting along.” With neat efficiency, she separated her lover’s clothes into different piles. That was one thing about hating doing laundry - she learned to minimize the time spent on it. “Again, that’s a very good thing in my book.”

“God, you’re twisting everything.”

She watched the blonde cross and uncross her arms, and she had to laugh. “And you’re suspicious about everything.”

“When it comes to my relatives, yes!”

“Alex, Sweetheart.”

“Well, you wanted to leave anyway, all along.”

“Now, now, before you start thinking I said something, I didn’t. Actually, I had plans,” she said, without intending to. “I mean, I was looking forward to…” She tried to come up with something about the other places they were to visit, but Alex interrupted.

“Plans? What plans?”

Olivia thought fast. “Make up sex? Maybe up on the roof? In the mist?”

“God, how can you think about sex at a time like this?”

“Oh, Baby, you’re not looking at you with my eyes.” She wagged her brows and licked her lips dramatically. “If I had my way, I’d…”

“Shut up.” Alex resisted the urge to give her lover a hard shove, and focused her attention on her luggage. “We need to finish packing.”

“Speaking of, you still want me to?”

“Shut up, Liv, I can’t think about that, not right now.”

The brunette hid her grin. She wondered how she was going to fix her foiled plans; she was sure Mrs. Cabot would make alternate arrangements for her. Maybe Alex was right, and the plumbing was just a ruse. Either way, she was looking forward to returning to Paris.

Chapter 61

“I love you,” Olivia said in a harsh whisper as she pressed Alex against the door, closing away the outside world in the process.

“Love you, too.” Alex fought unsuccessfully a nervous laugh. “What’s up?”

“What do you mean ‘what’s up’?”

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Reluctantly, she pushed Olivia away. “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Alex replied and paused to search her lover’s eyes. There was something in her voice, a hard edge almost. And there was her fumbling, trying to get inside her clothes that smacked of desperation, but not quite. “We’re in my cousin’s house?”

“Can we leave tomorrow?”

“Leave?”

“Here. This place. I don’t mean Paris.”

“But Liv…”

“We can’t stay here,” Olivia provided quickly. “I don’t want to impose.”

Alex let her brows furrow as she pulled from her lover’s embrace. “We’re not imposing - they made it clear; they’re family. Besides, Nicole had already said she was going to make reservation for us. We’re only staying here for the night.”

“Good. I don’t want to impose.”

“You said that already,” she reminded, taking Olivia by the hand and drawing her deeper into the room. “Now you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Wrong? There’s nothing wrong.”

“All right, tell me what’s eating you then.”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Does it have anything to do with the photographs we saw?”

“Christian’s children, they were adorable kids. So they’re all illegitimate, huh? It’s good he acknowledges them. People don’t usually do that,” Olivia rambled, until her lover stop her with a finger to her lips. She kissed the tip lightly. “What?”

“I was referring to the Daguerre prints, of Nicole’s husband’s family,” Alex decided to specify, just so there could be no mistaking. “I think you know that.”

“Oh, those?” Olivia replied unconvincingly. She wasn’t going to go there without a fight. “They were interesting. All old photographs like that are interesting. Do you know how they were made? Can you still make prints like that, nowadays?”

Chapter 62

“I’m sure you can, Liv.”

”Wouldn’t you love to learn, Sweetheart? To make prints like that?”

“Sure,” Alex sighed, and letting go of her lover’s hand, she sank into the bed. If Olivia didn’t want to deal with what they saw, maybe she shouldn’t either. Perhaps it was all conjecture on her part, and she was tired from the travel and everything else. “Maybe one day,” she replied, and closed her eyes. She was surprised when the mattress shifted, and her companion’s warmth, then her arm, hugged her side.

Olivia watched the tension drain slowly from the blonde’s face. She knew she was at least a partial, if not the complete cause. She let herself enjoy the feeling of finally being alone together, just a few short moments. Then she spoke, “What’s with all the graces?” Quickly, she corrected, “I mean, with the gloves, I mean…”

“It’s okay, Liv,” Alex rested her hand over her lover’s arm. “I know what you mean. She did spend the rest of her days in a convent, even if she wasn’t a nun like my aunt.”

“It’s just odd. You think she got them in Lisieux? Or did they put her there after?”

“Chicken and the egg, Liv?” She had to smile. “I’m sure we’ll never know.”

“It’s sad, when your children can’t even see you.”

“Yes it is,” Alex agreed sincerely, while she turned to face her lover. Gently, she shifted her fingers through her bangs, and tried to read the dark eyes. “You want to tell me what’s really bothering you? You acted like you saw a ghost earlier.”

“It’s just hard, to see so many people with so much faith,” Olivia replied. It wasn’t totally a lie.

“Was that all?”

“Violet, Nicole’s husband’s great-grandmother…”

“Yeah?”

“She reminded me of my mom, when she was young, kind of, maybe, maybe just a little.”

Judging from the look on her lover’s face before and now, the resemblance was more than a little, Alex knew. “The Earl, he was a Benson, well… oh wait, that meant she was one only by marriage. Huh, I guess…”

“I’m sure my mom’s not related to any Earl of England, or any other place.”

“Okay… I thought you said you didn’t know much about your roots?”

“I know enough.”

“All right. But maybe it’s like Marty said, everyone’s related by a drop of blood.”

“You think that’s why they approve of us? They think I’m somehow related? Benson’s a really common name. And how would they even know how my mom looked like when she was young?”

“They wouldn’t,” Alex provided. “Maybe we’re thinking too much about this,” she said, refusing to speculate any further. “You’re right. This whole thing is silly. Completely and absolutely.”

Suddenly, Olivia realized she and her lover were thinking and talking about different things. “What do you mean? What whole thing?”

“Oh. That everybody’s related?” Alex replied quickly, before disentangling herself and hopping onto the floor. “Anyway, it’s late. Let’s get ready for bed.”

Chapter 63

Something was off, Alex could feel it. Ever since the morning, Olivia had been acting distant. It was just little things though, and maybe all figments of her imagination, but she felt a wall.

Maybe it was because she had expected her lover to insist on talking about last night, tugging at her emotional seams like a dog at a chew toy. She had even prepared to cave if the brunette tried again her amorous tactics. Instead, before they rolled out of bed, they exchanged a brief kiss like an old married couple, and went about getting ready and repacking the few things they had removed from their luggage.

During breakfast with Nicole, Olivia was charming and funny. She was as attentive as ever as they checked into the hotel, and her warmth seemed genuine when they said goodbye to her cousin.

Yes, it was all in her head, she decided, even though her gut told her otherwise.

“Nice bed,” Olivia spoke from the other end of the room. She patted the mattress. “Care to join me?”

Alex lifted a brow. Her lover was laying in the middle of the bed with her knees hinging over the edge. This was no seduction. At least it didn’t seem to be. Again, she ignored her instincts and approached.

Olivia waited until the blonde settled with her back against a pillow before she spoke. “Nice view from here,” she pointed with her chin towards the balcony door.

“Yes, I see the Eiffel Tower.”

“And the Seine, if we go outside, I’ll bet.”

“As long as we can’t smell it.”

“Not feeling very romantic, are we?” Olivia smiled a small smile, and turned her head to look up at her lover. “So, what are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“For the rest of the day.”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

“I asked first.”

“In that case,” Alex replied, shifting her body to get more comfortable. “Let’s talk.”

“Let’s not.”

Alex wasn’t expected that response; she tried to ignore it. “Wouldn’t it be funny, if we’re related?”

“Seriously, let’s stop right here.”

“It’ll only be by marriage. It’s not like we’re blood.”

“Sweetheart,” Olivia warned. She didn’t want to talk about Nicole’s dead husband’s family, and definitely not the dreams she had about these people she didn’t know. “I’d rather talk about us.”

“But I am,” with a grin, Alex pushed, “Can you imagine if we kept coming back to each other, as our own descendants? Weird, but also very romantic, I think. And you have to admit, Clive the Earl and I shared certain resemblance. He and Violet, they fit into our dark and light pattern,” she added, then watched with shocked eyes as her companion scrambled off the bed. “Liv?”

“I told you, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore!”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t wanna talk about who we were or who our ancestors were, or ghosts, or reincarnations, or any of that,” Olivia yelled. “I’m sick and tired of living in the past!” She said, and fled their room, slamming the heavy door closed between them.

Chapter 64

“What are we doing, out here?” Alex asked as she gently closed the balcony door. After her lover stormed out, she did too. When she returned, she found an envelope on her pillow. Written in familiar, elegant hand with gold calligraphy marker was an invitation to join the brunette to watch fireworks on the Seine. Through the glass, she saw the lost and forlorn look on her face, and she couldn’t refuse. “You ordered room service?”

Olivia nodded, not offering any explanation. Instead, she asked, “Can we talk?”

“Yeah?” Alex pulled out a chair and sat. While her lover was silent, she pointed to the wine, “You mind?”

“No, course not,” Olivia replied, and rose to unplug the cork from the bottle. Silently, she proceeded to fill their glasses.

A small sip, Alex reminded herself as she tasted the red liquid. “Nice,” she commented, closing her eyes to take another controlled pull. “Very nice.”

“Glad you like.”

“So what’s the occasion?” She didn’t need to read the label to know what she was drinking was probably older than the two of them put together, and too lavish for a simple apology. She guarded her breathing. “What do you want to talk about?”

After a long stretch of silence, Olivia sighed, knowing her lover’s patience was wearing thin. “Christmas.”

“Christmas, Liv? It’s only April…”

“Last Christmas. I wanna talk about last Christmas.”

“You want to talk about last Christmas?” Alex echoed. She was surprised, surprised and disappointed. When the brunette didn’t want to dwell on the past, she let herself believe this fanfare would be about their future.

She bobbed her head again, turning her glass slowly and keenly aware that what her lover just drank probably cost an hour of her detective pay. And she sighed again. “I told you I had a case I couldn’t get away.”

“It’s not a big deal, I understood.”

“And now we’re here.”

It didn’t take a brain surgeon to connect the dots before now. “Okay, so you moonlighted for my mom,” she laughed, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Cragin on you.”

“You asked if I broke into the Federal Reserves…”

“I was just kidding. You didn’t do anything crazy, did you?”

“I ran into Hank.”

“Hank? Your friend?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you any of this.”

“Then why are you…?”

“You deserve some answers.”

Chapter 65

“Answers?” Alex replied. She didn’t have any questions, at least not before now.

“Maybe truth is a better word,” Olivia offered, as if reading the blonde’s mind. “You deserve some truth.”

Truth or answers, “some” was the operative word, which meant Olivia wasn’t telling her everything, Alex realized. She ought to be furious, somehow, she wasn’t. With the serenity she found only after her supposed death, she set aside her glass, and nodded for her lover to continue.

“He’s some sort of Federal agent now,” Olivia began slowly, betraying her internal struggle as she revealed her secret. “Or maybe he’s always been, I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything these days…

“Anyway, we worked together on the case. One of your mother’s friends, a dear friend from college, who you probably don’t remember, she’s a retired General and lives in San Francisco,” she said, staring down at her own glass, and refusing to meet her lover’s eyes. She feared what she might find.

“So that’s why Hank was involved? And you were in San Francisco,” Alex stated with an evenness in her voice she didn’t realize she was capable. She watched her lover’s guilty nod.

“Her daughter was abducted. It turned out by a crazy ex.”

“My mom put you at risk for that?” Suddenly, she could feel the beginning of rage.

“Because the Feds asked too many questions and didn’t tell her anything,” Olivia defended Celine Cabot, forestalling her lover’s anger. “She was being treated like she was in cahoots with the perp, like maybe she’d ordered the abduction.”

“So? That’s now Feds usually are.” Alex shook her head. “They don’t make sense.”

“Her friend’s daughter, who was missing, was the baby in the photo,” Olivia offered, as if that should explain everything.

“What photo?”

“The one from the boxes that you put back, because you decided you didn’t want to ask your mother.”

“Oh,” Alex said, even though she’d already suspected the answer.

“The baby’s now a beautiful woman, tall and willowy, with naturally wavy hair I think, just like yours, but dark eyes and olive skin. A couple of years older than you, maybe. Surprisingly, she looks very much like the General, her adoptive mother, though I’m not sure she knows she was adopted,” Olivia continued, “Anyway, I can see why her crazy ex got crazier when she dumped him. I think I’d feel the same about you.”

“Except wrong and right is too black and white for you.” Alex smiled. “You said she was adopted?”

Olivia didn’t answer. Almost sullenly, she reached into her pocket. Resisting the urge to just toss the velvet box onto the table, she opened it gently, and slid it in front of her lover. “As a reward sort of, your mother gave me this.”

Alex glanced at the ring, took in its beauty, then her gaze returned to the brunette’s. She waited for enlightenment, her mind clear and jumbled at the same time.

“It belonged to your great-grandmother.”

Chapter 66

“Yes, I thought it seemed familiar. She was wearing it in one of the photographs we found,” Alex replied, unable to look at length away the bauble. She could feel her heart pounding, wanting to push its way across the table to join her lover’s.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what, Liv?”

“For… everything. The lies, the secrets, and… well, everything.” Everything I’d done to hurt you and make you mad, and would do in the future, she thought but kept silent.

Alex tore her gaze from the twinkling ring, and engaged her companion’s eyes. Truthfully, she wished Olivia would say more about the General’s daughter, the baby in Celine Cabot’s arms. But she knew her lover was bound by silence, and that she had already said more than she should. Besides, this was probably a Pandora’s Box that best be left alone. Plus, there was something much more pressing on the table, both literally and figuratively. “So my mom gave you a ring. Don’t tell me she proposed?” She jested, in a vain attempt to lessen the tension, unable to stand it any longer.

“Your mother said you can say ‘yes’.”

“What?”

“Your mother said it’s okay for you to spend the rest of your life with me.”

“You asked my mother…”

“For permission to give you this. Yes. After I came into terms that it was okay for me to give you a ring that should be yours by right, yes.”

Meaning the brunette hasn’t really come into terms with that, Alex knew, but that wasn’t her issue. It didn’t bother her how her lover got the ring, not at all. And knowing what she knew, that it was a sort of matched set, she thought it sweet. Instead, she demanded, “You asked my mother.”

“Yeah?”

“What? The two of you decided who I am to spend the rest of my life with? What century B.C. do we live in, Olivia?”

“Well, actually…” People still have arranged marriages today, she wanted to say, but settled on better. “Actually, I just wanted her permission. Her blessing.”

“Again, what happened to asking me first?”

“Uh, um.” It had seemed like such an appropriate thing, such a smart thing to do. That was no longer the case. Flustered, she blurted, “You always do what your mother says.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, I just didn’t want to give you the chance to say ‘no’.”

“What made you think I would?”

“I, um, I don’t know…” The brunette stammered. Then, finally, she saw the teasing glint in her lover’s sparkling blue eyes. “So you’re not, I mean, you’re saying ‘yes’?”

Olivia’s hitched voice made Alex more breathless. Now she understood the feeling as she reminded herself to breathe. “Remember our first date?”

“Our date?”

“When you picked me up so we could go see Follies?”

“Yeah?”

“You asked if we could share.”

“Oh, that. I was hoping you’d forgotten. I was such a dork.”

Alex shook her head and smiled. “I wanted that, too, and more.”

“More?”

“Everything, everything I am, and more.”

“On our first date?” Olivia laughed lightly, to control her giddiness.

“I’ve wanted you forever.”

“Forever?” She repeated, wrapping her mind around the word. “Is that a ‘yes’ then? To this?”

“Yes, Liv. Yes,” Alex replied, smiling at the ring as she pulled it from the box. “So are you going to put it on? Or shall I?” Their eyes held on to each others, as Olivia stood and quickly closed their distance. Then a popping noise stole her attention, and she laughed at the colorful lights spreading across the sky. “What a beautiful coincidence,” she gasped, while cold metal grazed her skin.

Olivia laughed, ignoring the stinging in her eyes as she twined their fingers together and reached for a kiss to seal their promise. Before their lips touched, she whispered, “There’s no such thing.”

“You planned all this?”

“Nope.” Olivia grinned as light strings playing Michel Legrand floated from the distance. “Fate did.”

*******

I WAS BORN IN LOVE WITH YOU (lyrics: Alan and Marilyn Bergman, music: Michel Legrand)

I was born in love with you, opened my eyes in love with you.

From another time, from another place, from another world, I remembered your face.

I walked to find the way to you, learned how to speak to say to you: ”Stay with me, now through the mists of forever!”

I was born in love with you, first saw the sun in love with you.

My eyes knew your smile, my hand knew your hand, my arms knew the warmth of you.

I knew the touch of your lips and the taste of your kiss before I kissed you.

I will die in love with you, I’ll close my eyes in love with you.

Stay with me, now through the mists of forever,

I’ll be born in love with you.