20 QUESTIONS or UNDERSTANDING EMILY
Completion date: 03/05/2005
Continuation of “The Mad Inventor”
This is the Lemon Orange Universe’s interpretation of the episode “Ghost”
Hovering at the thresh-hold between dream and reality, she felt her lover’s warmth, her soft kisses, her tender touch. She allow herself to linger in that familiar, hypnotic haze for a moment longer. Then she pushed open her eyes, blinking to the filtered morning light. “You woke me up,” she said, the phrase sounding much more accusatory than she intended. Conjuring a smile, she reached up, and kissed her lover.
“You were making noises.” Olivia tried not react to the sting, and explained, “At first, I wasn’t sure if you were having a nightmare, or…”
“Not just now,” Alex reassured. She tried another smile. “Just now was good, we were celebrating.”
“Good. Still, I thought you might prefer reality. I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you woke me up.” She pulled the blankets around herself, and sat up in bed, resting her head on her knees. “I was having the strangest dream.”
“Oh? What were we celebrating?”
“A jury verdict.” Alex continued uncertainly, torn between wanting to forget and trying to remember the details of her dream. “We resurrected Alex Cabot to put away my, or rather, her, attempted assassin.”
Olivia furrowed her brows in response; but she remained silent.
“It was like a dream within a dream. Two dreams really, since I also dreamt one of your dreams.” She sighed her exasperation, and buried her face in her hands. “God, do I even make sense?”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Do you mind?” The blonde turned to her lover, and forced another smile. “I know you wanted…”
“That can wait,” Olivia assured, immediately sitting up. Pulling the reluctant blonde into her embrace, she stroked her back and kissed her until the tense frame relaxed, and sagged against herself. “So tell me about your dream, or dreams.”
“Well, in the first dream, my dream. Well, it was more like a nightmare…” Alex began, willing herself to stay calm, and hanging onto the strong arms holding her safe. “I was still in witness protection, and my mom died, and in the dream, you woke me up, and consoled me.”
“It was just a dream, Sweetheart. Your mom’s fine; we just saw her yesterday.”
“I know, I think I know.” She shook off the uncertainty and rushed on, “But I was supposed to be testifying against Velez’s hitman, the one who tried to kill me. Actually, in the end, I did testify. Afterwards, they whisked me away, but it was a ruse, so people would think Alex Cabot went back into witness protection, and I came back here, to wait for you. After the squad’s celebration, you came back, and that’s when, that’s when you woke me up.”
“Interesting...”
“Everything seemed so real, when it was happening.” Alex ignored her lover’s non-committal response. Leaning back against her lover’s shoulder, she sighed, and tried to comfort herself. “Although, now that I think about it, maybe surreal is a better word. Since I also dreamt that Judge Preston, the presiding judge for my attempted murder trial, announced in open court that I was her friend, and that would never happen in real life.”
“Why’s that? I thought she liked you. A friendship based on prodding intellectual process maybe?” The brunette speculated, desperately trying to pretend that she was pretending. That she was sounding calm and nonchalant for Alex’s sake. She knew her lover would expect some sort of reaction from her, reaction she didn’t have; and she had always been such a bad liar when it came to the blonde. “Oh, you mean, then she’d have to recuse herself.”
“Yeah, especially since Preston’s all about the appearance of justice. And I was provoking the defendant from the witness stand, and the gavel didn’t hit the bench even once. Definitely a dream.” She tried yet another version of a smile, to make light of the too vivid details.
“That’s it?” Olivia blurted, then breathed a silent sigh of relieve when Alex continued.
“Well, then, in another part of my dream, before the ending, before my last appearance in court, you had a nightmare about me being involved with some insurance adjuster while I was gone. I had to wake you up and console you, and convince you that I wasn’t, that I didn’t, you know.”
“Huh.”
“So I wonder what all these mean.”
“I, uh. Hm.” The brunette searched for the right words, and the most logical excuse. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about the case I’m working on.”
“Right, like I couldn’t read it in the papers. ‘Four torture homicide; Colombian cartel laundering link’, I think was the headline on the Times. Anyway, are you close to solving it?”
“Not yet. I mean, we’re pretty sure it’s the guy wanted by Interpol. You know, I really shouldn’t be telling you any of this.”
Blue eyes narrowed. She twisted slightly in her lover’s arm, so they could see each other’s face. “Why, afraid I might leak to the press?”
“No, so you won’t have weird dreams like the one you just had.”
“You don’t think it’s the same guy who tried to kill me.”
“I’m sure he isn’t.” She kissed Alex on the nose, and offered a small smile. “There’s more than one Colombian cartel, unfortunately.”
“I guess… Still… It’d make me feel a whole lot better when you confirm that he doesn’t work for Velez. What if he finds me, and us. You’d be in danger, too.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”
“Wait, how come you seem more concerned about imaginary perps, ordinary perps, with an ax to grind, than a professional assassin?”
“Well,” she scrambled for a reply, finally deciding on the most obvious, and truthful answer. “I’m sure the Feds know what they’re doing. If they thought for a moment you were in danger, they would’ve contacted us. Hank would.”
“I suppose… But what if…”
How should she distract Alex from her current concerns? Sooner or later, she would let something slip, or the blonde would see through her... Finally, she took the heat onto herself. Sure Alex would be mad, but think of the greater good, Olivia convinced herself and cleared her voice, “So, tell me about this claims adjuster?”
Alex twisted around completely, backing up against the headboard. “Excuse me?”
“Tell me about this claims adjuster you were dreaming about.”
“What?”
“Did you meet anyone in Chicago you thought you might…” The brunette hugged herself around the knee, and dropped into her little girl lost mode. “You know.”
Alex couldn’t quite believe her ears or her eyes. “When did I have the time, Olivia?”
“Have you thought about it?” She shrank deeper into the covers when the blonde pulled further away from her. “I mean, we were constantly apart…”
“Did you? Think about screwing someone else?”
“No, of course not!”
“I can’t believe of all the things I told you about my dream, this is the one thing you focused on.”
“The other parts, I’m sure are just stress related. From my current case.” Brown eyes darted nervously. She watched as Alex got up, and paced along the length of the bed, with her arms crossed tightly against her chest.
“How can you be so laissez-faire about it? Your Ghost might be the same guy…”
The brunette decided to try again, “Sweetheart, you just had a bad dream. You shouldn’t take it so…”
“Seriously?” Alex completed the sentence for her lover. “You take your dreams seriously.”
“Well, last time I had one, it came true.”
“Oh, what? Now you’re Cassandra?”
“What?”
“The prophet. Of Troy.”
“I didn’t say that, Alex…”
“No one believed Cassandra.”
“I thought you believed in my dreams?”
“You don’t give any credence to mine, why should I yours?” She demanded, her temper nearing the boiling point. **Unless…** She stilled her pacing, and spun around, staring Olivia right in the eye. “Do you know something I don’t know? Did Hank…”
“No,” the brunette responded, perhaps a little too quickly.
That pushed Alex over the edge. “For the last two months, ever since Ling told you, you’ve been asking me, every opportunity you get, about everything I’ve ever done.” She fumed, “Is it not enough for you to know that you’re the only person I’ve ever fucked? What more do you want from me? You need to know how I cheated on you with an imaginary man, who didn’t really exist, not even in my dreams?”
“But you said…”
“It was your dream I was dreaming, Olivia.” She spat out every syllable of her lover’s name. “I didn’t see his face, I didn’t know his name. I can’t believe I’m even talking to you about this.”
“Sweetheart?”
“It’s a trust issue, isn’t it? You don’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, and you doubt my fidelity. Do you have so little respect for me? Or for what we have? Forget it. Here.” She pulled her rings off her fingers, and threw them at her lover. Her anger firing up her cruel streak, she snarled at the shell-shocked face. “Take these back. You should wear them, since you’re the only person you can trust. And if you can’t trust me now, you never will.”
*******
Olivia never saw that coming. The jewelry flew towards her as if in slow motion. Frame, by frame, by frame.
“Alex?” She whispered, staring at the circles laying on top of the bed, just inches in front of her. The soft sounds they made when they landed still boomed in her ears.
How did it deteriorate so quickly? Just a short while ago, they were in each other’s arms. Now she was staring at the empty symbols of promises they made to each other…
**This couldn’t possibly be happening. Maybe I’m asleep. Maybe I’m just having a nightmare.** She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fist, willing herself to wake.
A fury of movements and jagged noises forced her to open her eyes. She saw Alex pulling her coat from the closet, slipping it over her pajamas, and heading towards the door.
“Alex!” She called after her lover, while scrambling to pick up the rings, so they wouldn’t roll off the bed. By the time she reached the landing, it was too late.
“Alex!” She tried again. “Baby, please…”
The only response Olivia got was the loud slam of their front door.
*******
As Alex hurried down the stairs, she heard her lover’s plea. Heard the desperation in Olivia’s voice. **They’re just words. And obviously words don’t mean a thing.** She fumed, determined to be angry. **I’ve got every right to be angry,** she convinced herself.
Still, she couldn’t ignore the naked feeling on her fingers. How did she get used to wearing the rings so quickly? It hadn’t even been fifteen months since Olivia gave her the claddah. And the last one, their matching ring, that was only from a few weeks ago. When she looked away, though, she could still feel the metal around her flesh. **They say amputees could feel their removed body parts after surgery… Is this how it’s like?**
On some level, Alex was hoping her lover would follow. She was hoping to find her sliding down the banister to catch up. To see her blocking the garage door as she drove her Focus onto the street. She even looked back, to check if the brunette would run out of the house, and after her.
She was surprised at Olivia’s lack of reaction. The anger that had begun to fizzle when she stepped outside their house, when the cold air hit her face, it came back with a vengeance. Just like all those times when they still worked together, when they stormed out of each other’s apartment or office, Alex vowed to stay away until her lover was ready to apologize.
Except, this time, she didn’t have her own apartment to go back to. The best she could do, was to stay at Olivia’s old place in Manhattan. And that would be too much; it would bring back too many memories. So she opted for her office.
During the drive, Alex reflected upon her own words, her own feelings… As hard as she tried, she simply couldn’t help herself. It was difficult for her to stay mad at her lover. She never liked it when they argued. She hated it, even when Olivia was wrong, and she was the wronged party.
She thought about the brunette’s twenty questions. She categorized and analyzed every one of them as if she were addressing issues in a legal memorandum.
She recalled her discussions with Ling, the ones they had leading up to their eighteenth birthday. They thought their ‘firsts’ would be insufferably arrogant about being their ‘firsts’. So it’d be best for everyone’s sake that they didn’t. She shook her head at the memory. **Can’t believe we were so egotistical…
**But we were young. What’s Olivia’s excuse? I mean, can she be anymore obnoxious about it? I can’t believe we were right…
**But maybe this is not about gloat, all her twenty questions.** The blonde tried another rationale. **Maybe they stem from her insecurities. But why? Have I given her any reason to doubt me?** She wondered, evaluating her recent actions. **I don’t think I have… I’m pretty sure I haven’t. Then what is it?**
She flipped on the radio, hoping the noise would clear, or at least help occupy, her mind. But her thoughts kept returning to her lover. **Isn’t it just as egotistical of me to think that? That she would feel insecure? And what does she have to be insecure about anyway? That makes no sense...**
Despite Alex’s failure to understand the situation, by the time she got up to her office, she was no longer angry. She really wanted to turn around, take the elevator back downstairs, retrieve her car, and go home. But she knew she wasn’t ready.
They weren’t ready.
The blonde needed to be sure that they were both willing to talk about their issues before she stepped back through their front door.
Staring out the large window, she looked across the skyline, the grey concrete that was Manhattan. Slowly, gradually, she pulled her gaze inwards, down onto Park Avenue, the bridge. She stared at the top of the Grand Central Station, and imagined the awful commuter traffic on the weekdays.
Somewhere out there, a violent crime was being committed, just at that exact moment, she was sure. When she stepped out of her building, to go home, she would smell the stink of exhaust. Then, in a couple of months, when the weather got warmer, when she wiped sweat off her face, the tissue would come away black.
Still, for Jaime Alexandra O’Brien, this was home.
There was never any doubt about it. At least that was what she’d like to tell herself…
Letting out a long sigh, she walked to her desk. She picked up the telephone, and dialed. After four rings, the answering machine picked up. “Hi, this is Olivia and Jaime, we can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message.”
She remembered that night, last September, like it was yesterday. It had been less than six months. She recalled the frantic tears in Olivia’s voice when the brunette thought she had gone back to Chicago without saying goodbye. That night, she made up her mind to come home. That same night, they recorded the greeting on Olivia’s answering machine…
She dialed the number again, and drowned herself in the laughter coloring her lover’s voice. She listened to her own bright giggles in the background.
ADA Cabot would never be caught dead giggling…
In a couple of weeks, they’d be on a plane to Spain. They would have the time of their life. When they came back, they would have their party. They would officially be a couple; they would be one. **Right now, right this minute, mom’s probably running around preparing for our commitment party…** Alex reminded herself.
After listening to the message for the third time, she hung up the telephone. **Sometimes I think we should be committed.** She shook her head, and pull a file out of her drawer. **Wonder if there’s a padded cell built for two…**
*******
Olivia wanted to chase after her lover. She knew she should. She knew Alex would expect that of her. **Like she expects me to be honest with her, to tell her the truth…**
She heard the garage door open. There was still time, she could run out and throw herself in front of Alex’s car. She really should. Instead, she listened to the tires crunch along the pebbled driveway, then screech down the road.
The brunette stood at the landing, paralyzed, perhaps by guilt.
Minutes, hours, must have passed before she moved again. Slowly, one foot before another, one step before the next… With effort, she carried herself back to their bedroom. At the closet, she stood on tiptoes, and pull down a small cedar chest from the top shelf.
Holding the box gingerly, she slid onto the floor. Equally carefully, she undid the lock. Holding her breath, she peeked inside for the first time.
The thing that immediately popped out, was an orange envelope. Nobody could miss those, especially when they were stuck under one’s windshield. She looked inside, and found a parking ticket stub, and the receipt printed off from the City of Chicago website. She also noticed the frayed NYPD sweatshirt lining the box. **So that’s where it went…**
One by one, Olivia pulled out the other items. She laid them down on the area carpet in front of the bed -- Jaime O’Brien’s Illinois driver’s license, her Cook County Sheriff’s ID, Assistant Public Defender shield, various bar association membership cards, even all the preferred shopper cards she had.
When the brunette reached for the sweatshirt, she realized there were things underneath. Next to another small box, was the book of poetry by Emily Dickinson, the first Valentine’s Day present she gave Alex. **Why is this here?** She wondered, while leafing through the book, reaching the bookmarked page, to where she had scrawled after they found each other again. **’Love. The word is love.’**
Closing the book, she set it aside, and picked up the smaller container. **Should I? I really shouldn’t… Well, I shouldn’t have opened this in the first place. If I’m gonna sin, I might as well go all the way.** She justified, and unclasped the lid.
Inside, were Alex Cabot’s ADA shield, her passport, and her birth and death certificates. Plus their government issued throw away cell phones that no longer functioned.
She took in the contents of the boxes, laid out before her, and saw them for what they were – two lives that her lover had left behind.
**And these are their souvenirs…** Taking a deep breath, she began putting everything back, oblivious to the tears streaming down her face.
*******
When Alex returned that night, the house was completely dark. With regret and apprehension, she trudged upstairs to their bedroom. Along the corridor, she heard music. Silently, she stood just outside the door and listened to the Erasure song on continuous repeat.
She picked out the pertinent bits immediately. “Oh baby please, give a little respect to me…” The singer pleaded to his unnamed lover. **Yeah, maybe we both need to do that. And I wish I’d stop making you work so hard, I just can’t stop myself…**
“…and if I should falter, would you open your arms out to me? We can make love not war…” She sighed to the question. Maybe she shouldn’t assume that Olivia would know the answer. **She’s not a mind reader after all.**
“I’m so in love with you, I’ll be forever blue…” This time, she shook her head. **I know; and I could only imagine.** Peeling herself off the wall, letting the momentum carry her forward, she walked into the room…
*******
In the hazy dark of dusk, the blonde saw her lover sitting against the headboard. She saw the glints of metal on the bed, directly before her. She also saw rectangular shadows that looked like files, the only proof that her lover had moved at all. That she didn’t just go directly from the landing to their bed and stayed.
She walked over to the stereo, and turned off the music. The sudden silence was deafening.
“Liv?” She walked towards the brunette. Another dark shape caught her eye, and she looked down, noticing her cedar box for the first time. Without allowing herself a second thought, she stepped over it, and asked, “Mind if I turn on the light?” When the brunette didn’t answer, she reached over to the lamp, and flipped the switch.
“I’m so sorry.” Alex’s heart broke at the tear stained cheek. “I shouldn’t have gone off the handle like that. I just… I got frustrated. I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Olivia croaked. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more sensitive. I just, all I could focus on, was my own insecurities, and how I might distract you from your dream. And when I thought I could help one with the other, I… I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“I forgot how difficult, and how scary it must have been for you, when you had to give up everything, leave everyone behind, and start a new life, all alone.” Her downcasted eyes followed her lover’s movements. “When finally you got used to that life, you had to give it up, too, and come back.” She added, in a whisper, “To your past.”
“And to my future,” Alex amended gently, scooting up next to Olivia. Taking a deep breath, she looked towards the folders. “What are those?”
“Your files.”
She picked up the thinner of the two. “Emily Dickinson?” She read the tab before opening it.
“John ran a check on the number who was calling my mystery cell phone. Emily Dickinson, from LA, the City of Angels. The book, and the movie. That’s when I put two and two together, and realized it was you.”
She smiled softly in response. “And the other?”
“Your murder investigation file. I made a copy.”
“Why?”
“I thought you were dead. Then I thought I’d never see you again.” Olivia explained, her voice a hoarse whisper. “You might as well be dead then.”
“Oh.”
“Can I tell you a secret, Alex? But will you promise not to be mad at the person who I learned it from? If he had anything to do with it at all, he was just following orders.”
“It’s okay, Liv.” She touched her lover’s face. “Whatever Hank told you, he did it in confidence. You don’t have to tell me.” That was another thing she figured out and decided, while sitting alone in her office. She rushed on with her reassurances, “It’s your case, I should’ve trusted your judgment. If you’re not concerned about this Ghost possibly threatening my safety, you must have very good reasons. Especially knowing how obsessive you can get, about bad things happening to me.”
“But you have a right to know.” Olivia insisted. “So,” she looked into the blue eyes for the first time since the blonde walked in. “Can I tell you my secret?”
“Go ahead. If you insist.”
“You see, there’s this girl, woman, this wonderful woman. Let’s call her Emily, Emily Dickinson.”
Alex nodded.
“Emily and Alexandra Cabot were alike in many ways. They were both smart and beautiful, and they both had lofty political aspirations. They both happened to be prosecutors, defenders of justice. They’d do anything and everything in their power to right the wrong. Oh, and just like Alex Cabot, Emily came from a very powerful, very wealthy, and very liberal family.” The brunette stopped, took a deep breath, and waited for her lover’s signal for her to continue.
“Go on…”
“Well, one day, Emily’s boss told her to do something. Basically, he told her to do her job. And she did. She did it very well, unfortunately a little too well. That upset some people.” She continued, slowly, and with more hesitance this time. “These people were afraid of what she might do if she did reach her political goals, especially with her limitless resources… So they waited and waited and waited, knowing because of her zealousness, she’d get herself in trouble.”
Alex wrinkled her brows, and crossed her arms. “And?”
“Well, they were right. Emily tried to bring a really bad man to justice, and he threatened her life.” Boldly, she rested her hand on her lover’s knee, just in case she needed the support. “These first group of people, they used the opportunity to take Emily out of the picture. They made sure she would never be able to achieve any of her goals, goals she had ever since she was a little girl…”
“So…” Alex uncrossed one arm, and laced her fingers with the brunette’s. “This Emily, she was never in real danger from the really bad man who had threatened her life?”
“As far as I know? No.” Olivia held out her other hand, then let it drop when her lover continued to hug herself. “The man she tried to put away, the minion, he’s dead. They think he was just a tool to his boss, perfectly disposable.”
“So his boss wouldn’t hold anything against Emily?”
“They don’t think so. But it definitely wouldn’t hurt her to be very, very careful.”
“I see.” **So that’s why you’re not freaking out about the Colombian connection.** The revelation didn’t come as a shock to Alex; at least not the part about the government’s speculation on Velez.
The other part though, she never expected. In hindsight, Hank knew an awful lot about her situation. She should have known something was up when he attended her exit meeting. **Maybe Munch’s conspiracy theories aren’t so far-fetched.** She shook her head, surprising herself with her calmness. She felt she should be mad at whoever set her up, and took her old life away. Could she really though? They almost did her a favor…
“Her lover, who’s also a cop, and actually a friend of mine, watches her like a mother lioness. Runs her nuts sometimes,” Olivia offered, concerned about her lover’s lack of reaction, and anxious to make peace.
Alex smiled. “I’m sure Emily knows she’s only doing it because she cares.”
“She does care. Very much.”
Leaning in, she gave the brunette a soft kiss, denoting the end of their argument. Slowly, she pulled back, smiling reassuringly. While taking another deep breath, she weighed her options. **Respect, remember? She told you the truth. Now it’s your turn.**
Slowly, Alex run her fingers down the placket of her lover’s shirt, delighting in the small flutter she felt. “Have I told you I know an Emily also?” She began.
“No.” Olivia took the blonde’s hand, and kissed her palm. Then, lacing their fingers together, she asked, “You do?”
Alex smiled. “Yeah, this Emily I know, is really, really different from the Emily you know.”
“Really? How so?”
“Well, I take it back, they’re similar in many ways, except one major one.”
“Yeah?”
“All this Emily ever wanted, was to be a wife, and maybe a mother.” With bated breath, Alex watched for any changes in her lover’s expression. Encouraged by the hint of a smile dancing on Olivia’s lips, she continued, “She didn’t have political aspirations like your Emily.”
“Really?”
“Really. She just didn’t know how to tell the people around her. She came from a family of do-gooders. And she’s afraid that they might be disappointed in her, for her lack of real goals, goals that benefit mankind.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a wife, and maybe a mother. I think those are wonderful purposes.” The brunette hid her glee. Instead, she offered, earnestly, “I’ve always thought it’s easier to love and devote your life to a cause than to another person. With a person, you have deal with their stupidity and foibles, and you don’t even get the public accolade.”
“But your job’s all about helping people,” Alex voiced her uncertainty.
“Yes, but my job’s just a job. I can quit tomorrow and get a new one. Meanwhile, every decision Emily makes, she has to worry about how it affects another person. That’s a big sacrifice.”
“I wouldn’t call it that.”
“Besides, by being who she is, she helps her significant other do a better job. I can’t see your Emily getting involved with someone who doesn’t care about helping others.”
“That’s true.” She smiled, and kissed her lover. “That’s what Emily thinks, too. But it’s nice when someone else agrees with you.”
“Tell her I support her all the way.”
“All right, I will.” For a long moment, she closed her eyes, and just enjoyed her lover’s soft caresses, and their togetherness. Before the urgency took hold, she sucked in a calming breath, and eased back. “Can I tell you something else about her?”
Dark brows furrowed briefly. Still, the smile lingered. “Please do.”
“Well, this Emily, she used to live behind walls and facades…”
“Yeah?”
“The love of her life, she’s the only person who managed to get pass all those barriers, that Emily built to protect herself.”
“I’ll bet it took a lot of hard work,” Olivia commented with a small grin.
“Yes, and a lot of love and patience, I imagine.”
“I’m sure it’s worth it.”
“I hope so.” The blonde looked down at their linked fingers, and twisted her lover’s rings with her thumb. “Do you want to know why she did? Built the walls, I mean?”
“Why?”
“When she was young, her father told her to never ever give herself completely to the person she loves most. He said she’d just get her heart broken.”
“Really? That’s, that’s not…” The brunette chewed on her lip, searching for a way to express her thoughts without sounding insulting. Luckily, Alex spared her.
“That’s not something I’d tell my kids either, if I had kids.”
**Your kids?** Olivia wanted to ask. **Get a grip, Benson, it’s just an expression. I’m sure if we had kids, they’d be our kids.** She shook the thought away. “So that’s why she built the walls? To not fall in love?”
“Well, at first, she tried to give herself away to people she didn’t love. Somehow, it just never worked out.”
Broad shoulders sagged. She responded, with a sigh, “Oh.”
“Oh, but Emily’s very glad things happened the way they did,” Alex provided quickly, sealing her words with a kiss on her lover’s lips. “Do you want to know why?”
“Why?”
“You see,” she smiled, leaning over to kiss her lover again, on the nose this time. “One day, Emily found her great-grandmother’s diaries. She read them. The one thing that struck her was how her great-grandmother wrote about her husband, and how glad she was that she had waited for him. So she couldn’t compare him to other people. She wouldn’t have doubts, or regrets.”
Olivia blinked, remembering their trip to France, and the hours they spent going over Michelle d’Estin’s diary. Slowly, she voiced her next question, “Your Emily, she wanted that for herself?”
“Yes.”
“So it is, in fact, a big deal?”
“A very big deal,” Alex reassured. “It’s important, very important to her that the love of her life was her one and only.”
“But I thought you said, she said, I mean…”
The blonde smiled, and kissed her lover again. Somehow, Olivia’s shell-shocked reaction gave her the courage to reveal herself. “Emily only told people it’s not a big deal because, you know, if you repeat a lie often enough, you’ll forget that it’s a lie?”
“I see.” Finally, she understood. “Wow. The Emily’s we know, man, they’re complicated.”
“I guess so.”
Finally, Olivia let go of her doubts and securities about being her lover’s ‘first’. She closed their distance, her smile wide. “So, where do we go from here?”
Leaning in closer still, Alex took Olivia’s hand. She scooped up the rings and deposited them into her lover’s opened palm. “We can start with you putting these back on me.”
The brunette squeezed her hand into a fist, warming the cold metal with the certainty of her love. “Only on one condition, Alex.”
“Which is?”
“That you’ll never ever take them off.”
The solemn tone of her lover’s voice somehow made Alex nervous. “Not even when I shower?”
“You didn’t take them off before.”
She giggled. “I guess you’re right.”
“You know I love you, Alex.” As she slid the rings on one by one, the brunette revealed in a soft whisper, “And I’m so in love with you, it scares me sometimes.”
“Why?” Alex gasped, when her lover touched the rings with her lips, sealing her promise with kisses.
“Every time I see you, every time I hear you speak, every morning I wake up next to you, and every time I kiss you goodnight, I fall more in love with you.”
“That’s good. Mushy.” She remarked, melting into Olivia’s eyes, and her tender embrace. “But I’m glad.”
“And I’m so afraid that someday,” she stilled her advances and looked down, “one day you’re going to decide I’m not what you want, that there’s somebody better out there…”
Lifting her lover’s chin, Alex promised, “It’s not going to happen.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Can you be sure you won’t want someone else someday? That maybe one day you’ll stop falling in love and start falling out of love, with me?”
“I won’t. I will love you, every second, every minute, every hour and day and year of my life. And I’ll love you more and more and more.”
“You’re sure.”
“Yes, cross my heart.” Olivia replied gravely. “I’ll love you ‘til the moon stops shining, and all the stars fall from the heavens.”
Alex giggled again, pulling her lover towards her. She grinned into the shining pools above. “The moon doesn’t shine.”
“The sun then.” Olivia pressed downwards, sighing and smiling when the blonde arched against her. “You’ll just have to trust me.”
“Then you’ll just have to trust me, too,” she said, and welcomed her lover’s tongue into her mouth…
*******
In the darkened room, illuminated by their neighbor’s bedroom and porch lights, Oliver slept soundly on his carpeted tree house. Across from him, wrapped in love and warmed by each other’s nearness, his humans lay in a tender glow.
Olivia shook off the sense of déjà vu. “I’m sorry I looked into your box…” she began her apology.
Alex raised up to kiss her lover on the nose, then replied gently, “It’s all right.”
“Why is the book in there?” The brunette gathered her courage, and asked. “The sweatshirt, I understand, since I gave it to you before you left.”
“You gave the book to me before I left, too.”
“Yeah, but I added the line about love after I found you again.”
“True,” the blonde whispered, and began tracing heartshaped designs and their initials on the flat plane of her lover’s stomach.
Ignoring the sudden ripple of warmth under her skin, Olivia pressed, “I’m waiting…”
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
“I promise.”
“I wrote you something really sappy, the day I decided to come back.” Alex revealed, moving out of the brunette’s embrace. She reached down for the book, then grabbed her lover’s roaming hand. “You want to read what I wrote?”
“Of course!”
“Then keep your hands off my ass.” She kissed her lover on the chin, and flipped on the light. Opening the book to the last page, then covering it with her hand, she asked, “You sure you want to read this? I’m not Emily Dickinson, I’m a lawyer; we don’t do flowery prose.”
“In my eyes, anything and everything about you is poetry.” Olivia smiled up to the dancing ribbons of blue. “Better than poetry.”
“You’re such a charmer.”
“I’m just telling the truth.” The brunette kissed her lover, and took the book from her hand.
On the page and up to the inside of the back cover, in her elegant script, Alex wrote,
“Would it sound cliché if I said you are like a work of art? When I think of you I hear music. When I’m with you, I notice all the colors around me and how absolutely beautiful life is. Everything seems clearer, brighter, and sharper. I see so many things I never stopped to see before. I hear the sound of birds singing in the trees. I notice how fresh the air smells after the morning rain…
“When I’m with you, I think I have all the mornings of the world.
“When I walked to work, while I was still working here, I always sidestepped the small wildflower that was growing out of a crack in the sidewalk just outside my apartment. Somehow, this fragile blossom managed to grow and flourish amidst this grey, grimy metropolis. Every time I saw it, I thought of you, fighting against the odds to find space in a hostile world. Managing to make a small section of urban hell a little better place to live.
“I wonder if the little flower is still there. Maybe it has grown and germinated more flowers… I hope so.
“I suppose the comparison to a small flower is a bit ludicrous. You are one of the bravest and strongest person I’ve ever met. That I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with. Sometimes you’re stubborn; but your single-mindedness is always for a worthy cause. Always for the greater good, for the victim, and never for your own accolade. I would call you a hero, but you would only scowl and disagree. You would tell me it was simply what you do.
“Whether you want to hear it or not, you’re my hero.
“You like to see yourself as an average person, nothing special. Certainly not portrayed in the larger than life way I see you. I’ve never seen you chase down a perp or dissolve a situation. I think I would be in awe and terrified out of my mind watching you risk your life at what you call your job. I have seen you in the interrogation room with the worst kind of criminals. I admire your bravery, how you never back down. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you flinch. That takes guts, pure and simple, whether you’re willing to admit it or not.
“On the other hand, I’ve seen you comfort the victims of the most heinous crimes, take their pain and make it your own. You guide them gently through the barrage of painful questions, questions I had to ask, and ease them down towards sanity and peace of mind. I’ve seen you coax a child through their mental horror and make them believe again in good dreams, happy dreams.
“You keep my nightmares at bay, too.
“You give me strength when I’m too tired to go on. You comfort me in the night when my fears invade my sleep and rob me of rest. I dream, feeling secure in your arms, knowing you will never let any harm come to me.
“You are so much more than just the person I love.
“You are my life, my hope.
“With you, I am happy to walk into our future, knowing I will never walk alone again.”