TITLE: THE LAST KISS
FANDOM: Law and Order SVU
PAIRING: Alex Cabot / Olivia Benson
COMPLETION DATE: 07/11/2004
RATING: G If same-sex relationships bother you, you might want to read something else.
LEGAL STUFF: Copyrighted 2004 by Adrienne Lee. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under "Fair Use" doctrine. The author reserves all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction; any similarity to characters or persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.
SPOILER: Post "Loss". There also might be other bits and pieces from various episodes.
SUMMARY FOR STORY: Trouble in Paradise…
CATEGORY: Angst
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, please, please feed us!!
“I should leave.” Olivia sank down in the chair, and dropped her head in her hands, drowning in self-pity and sorrow.
Running on pure adrenaline, Alex ceased her pacing, and stopped in front of the sitting figure. Almost crossly, she demanded, “What about me?”
In a pained, small voice, she admitted to both of them, “It seems all I do lately is hurt you.”
“And our child?”
“She’s better off without me.” The brunette looked down on her hands, and twisted the rings about her fingers, trying to pull them off. Somehow her finger refused to give them up. “You grew up with only one parent, and you turned out okay. I’ve got no business raising a child.”
“What about all the promises you made me?” Alex crossed her arms, and stared down at the dark head, fighting the urge to wring it off, and keeping her tears at bay.
“After what I’ve done, you trust me to keep my promises? I wouldn’t.”
“I’m not you.” She squeezed her eyelids shut, and contained the tremor in her voice, “I don’t give up so easily.”
“In this case, you should, and stop deluding yourself.”
“Until you walk out that door, Olivia, you’ve never broken any of them.”
There it was again, ‘Olivia’, her full first name with all its syllables. Since when did it become a curse word? “And you trust me to keep them if I stay?” Her voice cracked, fearing the answer she solicited, deathly afraid to look up.
Slowly, softly, Alex answered, “I trust my heart.”
Somehow those syllables sliced even deeper. She doubled over and hugged her knees, willing time to stop, hoping her heart would finish breaking. Anything to halt the rending pain. “You’ve always only seen the best in me. Until now.”
“And now, in your mind, I’ve seen the worst?”
Olivia nodded.
“Does it matter that I don’t want you to leave?” Sighing loudly, Alex resumed her pacing.
“You can’t hold on to the past.” Please, please, please agree with me. I need you to agree with me. She prayed silently. And waited.
“I’m not. You’re giving up, Olivia, you’re running away.”
Shrinking from the sting of those four syllables, she maintained quietly, “I’ve never run out on anything in my life.”
“What about the night at the hospital when you thought I died?” The prosecutor’s voice took over, as it always would when the walls go up. Alex tried desperately to tear them down. This was a battle she had to win. And the only way she could win was to be defenseless. It made no sense. She hated it when things made no sense.
“That was different.”
“How?” Now she was furious. Furious at Olivia, at herself. “You were hurting, and you ran away. How’s that different from now?” She charged. Objection, counsel is badgering the witness. She heard in her head, and sucked in a deep ragged breath.
“I wasn’t the one who hurt you then.” The brunette reasoned. Paused. Then voiced her deepest fear, “And if I stay, I might hurt you again.”
“Might hurt me. Might. Olivia. That’s a risk, I’m willing to take.” Alex argued. Took another deep breath, and no longer bothering to hide her tears. “But if you leave, Liv, you’ll kill me.”
“You’ll find somebody new, somebody better.” She reassured, her heart breaking further. Just how much more could it take? The tenacity of that fist-sized muscle was surprising even to herself. “I know you will.” Valorously, she added, feeling another ripping laceration. No good. That damned organ was still beating.
“Can you guarantee that they won’t hurt me? Or is it next time the blood just won’t be on your hands?”
“I can’t guarantee I won’t hurt you again, Sweethe…” Stopping abruptly, she changed, “Alex. And next time you might not be so willing to forgive me.” She had no right to call her by anything besides her given name. If at all.
“It makes no sense. You make no sense.” Alex spat. “If you’ve done your worst, and I’ve forgiven you. Then why wouldn’t I forgive you again?” Why can’t you forgive yourself?
Lacking in argument, Olivia stated simply, “You can spin it anyway you want. I’ve made up my mind.”
Denying the desire to just… Just… She couldn’t even finish the thought. Instead, she asked, agony and anguish coloring her tone, “So this is all about what you want.”
“No. I mean, yes. I want to make sure I never hurt you again.”
“And you think breaking every one of the promises you’ve ever made to me won’t hurt me?”
“You just said I haven’t broken any.” Instinctively the brunette objected. Why did she do it? Didn’t she want Alex to think the worst of her? To hate her?
“But by leaving you would have.” She heaved, swallowed her tears, and avowed forcefully. “And that, I’ll never forgive you for.”
Ouch. There. Almost there. It had to be. Olivia said softly, “You’ll be surprised at how fast you’ll heal.” Ouch.
“Do you prefer the oil-soaked wood? Or should we just put up a cross?” Alex half yelled half accused. “And while you’re making up your mind, let me cue the violins.” At that moment, thunder cracked. “Oh, how appropriate, we even have teardrops from heaven.”
The brunette raised her head. “Your sarcasm isn’t going to make this any easier.”
“Oh, and I’m supposed to make it easy for you?” Cold blue eyes locked onto pained brown ones, refusing to budge or to let go. “After what you’ve done? And for what you’re threatening to do now? I don’t think so.”
Recoiling from the piercing stare, she dropped her face back down into her palms. “When the retreat is over, I’m leaving.”
“Then why don’t you leave now?” The blonde rushed on, not quite believing the words coming out of her mouth. Hopeless. “If you’re not going to stay when this is over, then what’s the point? You should just make it easier for both of us, and leave now.”
Oh, finally. That’s it. No more. Olivia started bawling. “So what? You’re throwing me out?”
“Well, you want to leave. Why put it off?”
“You’re kicking me out into that?” She tried to meet the blue orbs once again. Needing the confirming blow.
“I’m tired of the melodrama.” Alex stuck her hands in her pant pockets. Olivia’s pants. And clung to the material. “You won’t melt.”
Slowly, the brunette got up from her seat. She went to where Alex was standing, and touched her cheek gently, “You really will find somebody better,” she promised. “But, before I go, I’d like one more kiss.”
Putting on her best poker face, the blonde asked, “That’s it? A last kiss? That’s all you want?”
Olivia just nodded.
“Then, will you do something for me?”
“Anything.” Swallow my gun. Commit hara kiri. Absolutely anything.
“Let this last kiss be our first.” Alex folded her cards, wrapped her arms around her lover, and wiped her eyes on the broad shoulder, seeking comfort. “I want all our last kisses to be our firsts.”
“Alex…”
She pressed their lips together for the last time. And the first time. “You promised, anything.”