Title: THE MOON AND I
Email Address: adrienne_miranda@yahoo.com
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: Copyrighted 2004 by Adrienne Lee and Miranda Rafferty. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under "Fair Use" doctrine. The authors reserve all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction; any similarity to characters or persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.
Beginning Date: March, 2004
Last Updated: July 16, 2004
Complete or To Be Continued: Complete
Summary: Olivia’s prayer to the moon.
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In the backyard, on a swing, under the stars, wrapped in a thick blanket and each other, the lovers whispered sweet nothings…
“I was envious of the moon.” Olivia looked up to the sky, and breathed against her lover’s ear. “It touched you when I couldn’t, and bathed you in its soft glow.”
“We live in New York City, Liv.” Almost patronizingly, Alex patted her on the hand. “Are you sure it’s not pollution? Or a chopper’s search light?”
“Work with me.” Softly, she continued to speak. “I was in love.”
“Ah huh. And you’re not now?”
“That’s not what I said, Sweetheart. Would you just listen?”
“Okay, I’m listening.”
“And the moon could see you from the window, and watch you sleep.”
“And watch me undress.”
“Well, that, too.” Olivia admitted, hugging her lover close. “And I’d pretend I was the moon and you were in my arms.”
“The moon doesn’t have any arms, Liv.”
“Are you being difficult on purpose?”
“Not really.” Reaching back, Alex tapped her lover on the nose. “The opportunities were just too good to pass up.”
“You know, you could make me stop wanting to be romantic if you keep on.”
“You could have your romantic bone surgically removed.”
Nuzzling the sweet golden locks, Olivia smiled against her lover’s neck. “Is that what you want?”
“Hmm…” Alex leaned further into the embrace. “If they removed all the romantic bits, there wouldn’t be much left.”
“You just led me down the garden path.”
“But you follow so well, Sugar.” The blonde turned her head and kissed Olivia. A peace offering.
“When did you get to be the sly one?”
“You mean there was a time I wasn’t?”
“What is this? Beat up Olivia’s ego day?”
“No.” She took a deep breath, enjoying the crispy, slightly chilled air, and the calm in her stomach. “It’s Alex hurling her guts out day.”
“Oh.” I’m so sorry, she thought. But Alex would get mad at her for apologizing again. So she just closed her arms tighter about her lover.
“And besides, your ego could be in critical condition and still be healthier than most.”
The brunette laughed lightly in defeat. “I think I’ll stick to doing what I do best.”
“And what would that be, Liv?”
“Loving you with all my heart.”
“If you can’t one up them,” Alex shook her head, and smiled, “Drown them in mush?”
Olivia gave her lover her best Oliver-begging-for-tuna-look. “But it’s true. It’s the best thing I do.”
“Were you doing in your car what I was doing in my bed?”
“Sleeping? No.”
“I wasn’t always sleeping.”
“Wasn’t it a little hard to read in the dark?” She teased, knowing exactly what Alex was insinuating.
“Oh! So you waited around, to see if I would turn on the lights, and maybe unintentionally give you a show.”
With indignation, the brunette answered, “No.”
Alex turned in her lover’s arms, and made eye contact.
Sighing quietly, Olivia replied, “Yes.”
“I knew it.”
“Hey. I’m trying to be romantic here,” the brunette protested, “And tell you how I felt about you. From day one.”
“Yes, you’re telling me you were a freaky stalking peeping Tom perp.” With humor in her voice, Alex accused, then reminded, “And you just said yesterday morning that day one was years before I started working with you.”
“Um.” Was absolute honesty such a good idea? Oh well. In for a penny… “I started checking you out before you joined us.”
“Checking?” They really should be having this talk face-to-face, but she didn’t want to leave the warmth. Instead, she traced lazy circles on the back of her lover’s hand against her belly. “What do you mean by checking?”
“Listening to you talk at lunch, asking people about you… following you.”
“Eaves-dropping stalker!”
“I just wanted to know what kind of so-and-so was going to run our lives, and make our job hell. I also had myself convinced that you had to be on the take. Career public servant living on the Upper West side, in the kind of apartment building you were living in.” Olivia prattled off her defense.
Suppose she would have thought the same thing herself. Nevertheless, she said, “Pervert.”
Olivia laughed, and kissed her softly, “The day I ran out of reasonable excuses and realized what I was doing, I stopped.”
“And when was that?”
Straight-faced, the brunette answered, “When we started dating?”
It was Alex’s turn to laugh. “PERVERT!” she accused, and wrung her lover’s nose.
She twitched and pretended to sneeze on her lover, then thought better, and just rubbed it. “Well, if I am, you married me.”
“Somebody had to get you off the streets somehow.”
Shifting forward, her chin resting on Alex’s shoulder, with big brown wounded puppy dog eyes, the brunette asked dejectedly, “Oh, so this is nothing more than community service to you?”
“Well, not the community per se.” Alex ran her fingers through the dark hair, and tucked it back. Tenderly stroking her lover’s cheek, she added with a chuckle, “Unless you call servicing you community work.”
“Do you mean servicing as in repairing?” Sighing softly, she snuggled closer, and asked in a small voice. “Or pleasuring?”
“Both?”
“You made me sound like some male chauvinistic harem master.”
“Hmm, let’s see… Did you not buy me a pink genie outfit? And decorated our bedroom harem style? Without consulting me, I might add.” The blonde reminded with a soft kiss and a smile, suspecting her lover was picking up her weepy baby hormones.
“I wore it for you first. And the genie-in-the-bottle theme was supposed to be a surprise.” It really seemed like a good idea at the time. But then all the frou frou pink drapes were making her nauseous, too. “You said you loved the show.”
I also loved Lost in Space. But she decided to keep it to herself, lest her lover decided to embark on another impromptu project aimed to please her. As sweet as the intention might be. “So why didn’t you just ask me out? Way back when.”
“Because you were a prissy flash-frozen princess?”
“Why, thank you. I didn’t realize my façade worked on you.”
“It didn’t.” For the first time, Olivia admitted, “I was scared half to death.” There. It wasn’t so difficult was it? It was definitely harder to ignore all the alarm bells ringing. Way back then.
I could certainly understand that. Alex thought, remembering the trepidation she herself felt, and all the times she bluffed her way through. “Oh?”
“What if you’re the one?” Then what? Would you feel the same way about me? Could I handle another heart break? “Worse yet, what if you’re not?” Was I just destined to be alone then?
“What changed your mind?”
“Remember Angel?”
Visiting the strip club was one of the first things they did after therapy. It was amazing that the dancer was still there. For some reason, Alex wasn’t jealous of the woman at all. In fact, she felt grateful. “How could I not? It was like watching myself.”
“I got so wasted that night, Munch and Fin had to take me home.” Olivia related her tale of woe. “Apparently, the whole time I was rambling about how much I loved Angel, and that I was gonna ask her to marry me, and have my babies, and spend the rest of her life with me.”
“You’re making it up.”
“I started asking you to lunch, didn’t I?”
“Uh, no. You were doing that before then.” Alex kissed her lover lightly again, and grinned. “Just not as obnoxiously insistent about taking over my entire calendar.”
“You noticed?”
“My secretary did first. She also noticed the little smiley faces I’d draw in the O’s while I wasn’t paying attention. Which I would then go back through with a yellow highlighter. It was embarrassing,” and distressing, she thought and cleared her throat, “When she brought my behavior to my attention.”
I love you Snoopy. I love you, too, Woodstock. Without warning, the long shut out memory came unbidden. Why now? Why after all these years, when she was finally happy? She clamped it down in a hurry, and said, “I love you, Alex.”
“I love you, too, Liv.” Sitting back in the cocoon of their warmth, she asked, slightly concerned. There was a hint of something in her lover’s voice… “What brought that on?”
“Must there be a reason for me to tell you how I feel about you?”
“No.” Alex decided to let it go, and let her tell her in her own time. “I guess not… although I think we should go back in. You need to get ready for work soon.” But she made no efforts to move.
“We have time… Do you remember our first date?" Olivia asked, wondering if her lover would recall the specific occasion. It had been quite a few years ago. Not everyone was as obsessive over small details as she was.
"The night you took me to Follies?" That was too obvious. Still, the blonde couldn’t think of anything before that time that could qualify as a ‘real’ date. That has got to be it. How could she possibly think I’ve forgotten something so important. Fume.
"No, before that."
What? "We had a date before that? Did you get me drunk during lunch? I hope you didn't take advantage of me." Alex teased lightly, pondering what technicality the brunette was working.
"In a matter of speech, I guess I did take advantage of you," Olivia admitted and smiled.
"Oh? When was this?"
"A long time ago." She offered a hint, "We had coffee together."
"We always had coffee together. I’d go to the precinct..." The blonde protested. Have you lost your mind? Grrr. Damn hormones. Grrrrrrrr.
"This is before you started with the squad."
"We went on a date before then?” Alex gave up, she wasn't even going to attempt to guess. "Where was I? Out cold in the closet? Her sense of exaggeration had run slightly amok. "Was this one of your imaginary dates, when you were stalking me?"
"I wasn't stalking you." Olivia insisted, knowing she was working a legal technicality. “New York did not have stalking laws, so I could not have been stalking you.”
"Hmm.” Alex countered. “Sitting in your car, waiting, just so you could watch me walk into my building. And you don't think that's stalking?"
"No!" Olivia said emphatically.
"Then what do you call it?"
"To serve and protect." The detective quoted the police motto. I would serve you in any way you would let me. And I would protect you with my life, she told Alex with her eyes. You are my life.
At the look of love, she melted, as she always did. How could she not? Her lover was so totally devoted to her. The woman's love seemed to know no bounds. The depth of it still astounded the blonde, and she hoped they both would always feet that way. My God, where was all of this mush coming from? Suddenly she was sounding like an escapee from a bad historical romance. Like Olivia. Eeep. It had to be baby hormones, that was the answer. Yes, yes, baby hormones. Happy with her conclusion, with a teasing smile, Alex said, "Whatever, pervert. You were telling me about our alleged first date."
"Remember when I poured out my heart to you?" Tentatively, Olivia explained. Was this really such a good idea? And why did she bring it up? She suddenly couldn’t remember.
"Which time?”
"There weren't that many."
"With or without molestation?" Alex jacked with her lover again, enjoying her reactions. Why was she acting like such a smart aleck? Oh, yeah. Baby Hormones.
"I did not molest you back then." The brunette defended herself. She might have really, really wanted to, but she never did. Besides, molest wasn’t quite the right word. Jump. Consume. Devour. Maybe. Definitely jump.
"You were with your eyes. I got the feeling I walked around naked in your head a lot." Even early on, she knew the effect she had on Olivia. All she ever needed to do was give a signal and her lover was ready and waiting. Sometimes not waiting.
Olivia blushed. She knew she had played straight into Alex's trap, but she didn't care.
"I knew it. Pervert." But the feeling was so mutual.
"You already said that. I was talking about the day I ran into you in Hank's office."
Oh. The day the brunette told her all about her mother being an alcoholic, and that she was a victim of rape. That Olivia was the painful product of that act. "That wasn't a date." Alex argued lightly. At least she didn’t think it was. Not that kind of date anyway.
"It was to me. I poured you a cup of coffee and got myself one." Olivia explained.
"You mean that wasn't just common courtesy?" You certainly had a strange idea of a date. Suddenly furious, Alex continued with barely controlled temper. "If that's your definition, Arthur and I had been dating for years. Heck, Hank and I dated, we had a steady relationship. Oh my god, people must think I'm a whore, I've dated almost everyone in the DA's office."
"Oh, just shut up. Forget I said anything. Here I am trying to be sentimental, remembering the first time you were nice to me, where I spilled my emotional guts and expose my soul to you, and all I get is abuse." The brunette sounded hurt, and more than a little whiny. “And I thought you cared.”
“Oh god, are you going to start getting sympathy sickness too?”
“Shut up.” The brunette snuffled. “Could you please keep your damn baby hormones to yourself?”
“I did care. Even though I knew I was your second choice sounding board, and I had dinner plans, with Ling,” she wrapped her arms around Olivia and kissed her. “I still stayed and talked to you, didn’t I?”
“You probably thought I was some pathetic desperate cop, with serious guilt issues.”
“No, you were Hank’s best friend, whose ex-girlfriend was murdered, and who was stalked by the same perp,” Alex reassured. And you reminded me of someone I once... knew. The memory faded away of it own accord. Stroking her lover’s hair, and holding her close, she continued, “I didn’t think of it as I date because you weren’t available. Not back then.”
“She wasn’t an ex, not really, you knew that. I think I told you then she was a several nights stand.”
Technicalities. “What does it matter now?” It didn’t even matter then.
“Another great person I made into a notch in my belt. Who died a senseless death.”
“Didn’t somebody at one point try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault that a girl got attacked?” Alex reminded Olivia. “Either we both wallow in our respective guilt, or we don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
“It’s not about Karen.”
“Then what is it about?”
“You. Me. After our talk yesterday, I started wondering… Just how many were there before we finally got together? It wasn’t like I kept count. It was never a matter of keeping count, it was a matter of trying to forget. Trying to forget the waste of human life, the degradation people sink to… But mostly it was trying to forget how much I had come to hate myself…”
Lost for words, Alex just held her lover, and tried to express all the love and adoration she felt in silence. Listening to her pour her hearts out again. At least this time, it was her place to help. She just hoped she could.
“It was a vicious cycle. I’d lose myself in the mindless sex. Never for long, a few minutes, a half hour, if I was really lucky an hour. It was blissful being able to forget. Not that the act was blissful. Most of the time, I didn't remember. Neither the person, nor the act.
“Finally figured out last night, when you were sleeping. Somewhere deep down, I wanted to feel something, anything. Just some shred of affection for any one of them. When the magic didn't happen, I got away as fast as I could.
“Then I’d try to live like a monk, and be a super cop. And subsist on coffee and took on an exercise routine that could keep two or three people healthy.”
Yes, and it gave you an incredible body. Down, girl. Shame on you. Alex chastised herself and reined in her hormones.
“Those time outs never lasted long, soon I’d feel the loneliness, and the emptiness. Or maybe it was the cliché, of hope being eternal… And the whole thing would start all over again…
“There were times I wouldn’t even get undressed. Heck, I wouldn’t even wait for them to get undressed. I know I just described us. But it wasn’t the same, not like that. You were the only one I allow to actively undress me, and do all the things you do to me… all the things we do.
“I'm not sure why everyone thought I was such a hot lover, or such a catch. Most of the time, I just used the gloves I carried around in my pocket, or I’d just wash my hands. Why was that enough for them to be jealous of you, and intentionally hurt you with it?
“I don’t know if you believed me, but Abbie was really a random brunette to get you out of my heart. I thought a brunette would help break the cycle, you know? Instead, it was a stupid two-month disaster.
“I had been so scared to tell you. Afraid you’d change your mind, and call my bluff, and ask about my past. Then I found out you knew. Had known all along…”
“Liv?” It was phrased as a question, but it sounded like an order to stop.
Olivia obliged. “Yeah?”
“While you were sleeping last night… Yes, I woke up, and decided to let you sleep, you don’t have to look so shocked.” She tapped her lover on the nose, and kissed her softly. “And I got to thinking… Maybe Abbie was jealous of me because she was in love with you, and she wished she were the one you were following around like a love struck little puppy…”
“I was not a love struck little puppy!” Olivia denied. “I was at least a medium sized dog!”
“All those people must have seen what I saw in you, what I still see. A caring, competent cop who is fundamentally a very good person. You’re honorable. Loyal. Compassionate. You have a cool head, stout heart, uncanny flair for investigation and wise judgment,” she added, trying to lighten the mood. “And you serve and protect.”
“You called me a stalker earlier.”
“I knew about all the nights, when I’d turn down your offer to drive me home, sometimes because we were fighting… Sometimes simply because I wanted to walk and clear my head… when you would follow me in your car.” Alex revealed.
“You did?” The brunette asked, shocked. All this time, she thought she was being stealthy.
“Has it ever occurred to you that I flipped on the lights just so you’d know I made it into my apartment okay? So you wouldn’t have to worry? And maybe some of the shows you got weren’t accidental at all?”
Huh. Now that you mentioned it. “Really?”
“Really. I remember one time we were arguing over some stupid shit for a whole fucking week. And by the end of the week, I just wanted to forget all about it, so I gave you, and probably the rest of the world, a shadow strip show…”
“I was right though.”
“Yes, Liv, you don’t have to remind me.”
“But usually you are.”
“I don’t know about that. Wait, what am I saying? Yes, I’m always right.” Alex laughed lightly. “Anyway, but I had too much pride to concede my point…”
“So you dangled yourself out like a carrot.”
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“For you. I had to swallow my pride and run upstairs like a love struck puppy.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Oh, yes, I did, Sweetheart. If nothing else, to stop you from stopping traffic.”
“I didn’t… Please tell me I didn’t.”
“No. Not traffic, just my heart.” Olivia eased her lover back into her arms and kissed her on the head. “I was just mucking with you.”
“I can’t give you any more reasons why I fell in love with you, why you’re stuck with me.” Alex smiled up to the big brown eyes. “But I’ll gladly spend the rest of my days convincing you that I should be the love of your life.”
“Oh?”
“Look at me,” Alex turned around, straddled her lover’s thighs, and brought the dark head towards her chest. “I really am not too crazy about these. But I know you like them, and I hope they’ll stay after the baby.”
“Mmhmm…” The brunette agreed, her lips beginning to wander, sucking and licking the tender flesh.
Closing her eyes, and leaning into the caress, she took her lover’s hand, slipped it under her waistband, and pressed it against herself, “Touch me. Feel how much I want you, and need you,” shuddering as she slowly lowered her hips, as the long fingers glided in easily.
“I don’t care what or who you did before now.” She cradled and hugged Olivia close, and whispered against her ear, dwelling in the delicious sensation of refined muscles shifting against her own body, relaxing and tightening to the gentle wet strokes.
“As long as I’m the only one you fuck,” inhaling deeply, and controlling her passion, fighting the heart pounding urge to yield to their desire, the blonde continued, “The only one you love, for the rest of your life.”
“Always, Alex,” breathlessly, she promised. Above and Beyond. “Always.”
Later that night, in the circle of the cul de sac, just to the side of their house, Olivia sat in her car. “Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for. You heard me saying a pray for, someone I really could care for…” Singing along quietly with Elvis Presley, she watched their bedroom window…
Unexpectedly, her cell phone rang, startling her out of her reverie. “Hey.”
“So that’s what happened to my CD.” Alex appeared between the half opened curtains, and blew her lover a kiss. “Thief.”
“Somebody heard my prayer after all.”
“Pervert, you’re going to be late for work.”
“You look so beautiful in the moonlight.”