NOW FOR THEN Chapter 16
**Gotta get a move on, Benson,** the detective repeated for the n-th time.
For the last fifteen minutes, she had been sitting in the school’s parking lot. At first, she was wondering why Destiny, or any woman for that matter, would hook up with such a chauvinistic pig. While Miller seemed nice and sincere, the way he talked about his mother and girlfriend had disturbed her. She also thought about all the questions he didn’t ask, and regretted that she hadn’t baited him more.
Then, for the last five, she had just been staring out the windshield, completely unfocused. **You need food,** she decided after checking her watch. It had been almost 20 hours since she last ate. **Must be the low blood sugar.** She shook her head, and turned on the ignition.
Olivia was about to put the car in ‘drive’ when Mozart’s 40th sounded from her bag. She pulled out the phone quickly, and answered in a cheerful voice, “Jaime’s Toy Box, how may I help you?”
Chuckling lightly, Alex answered, "Hi."
"Hey, Sweetheart! How are you?" The brunette queried, surprised by the down-toned response. Her goofy greetings usually elicited suggestive comments, bright laughter or exasperated sighs.
"How's the case going? Any luck yet?" Ignoring her lover’s question, Alex asked.
The tone was subtle, but to Olivia, Alex sounded tired and frazzled. "About the same. I'm still checking out some leads and a couple of potential suspects. Nothing too substantial yet." She didn't want to build up her lover’s hopes up by being overly optimistic about how things were going.
"Oh," Alex said slightly dejectedly. “I wish…” she started, then let the sentence trail off into a sigh.
"Hey, is everything okay with you?" The brunette was becoming concerned. Alex had been so positive about everything lately. It was one of the changes about Alex's new life she really appreciated. “Did you end up going in? Bad day?”
"No and no.” She answered incompletely, letting Olivia assume whatever she wanted. “I just wish… I just miss you, that’s all.” With a quiet voice, she explained.
"I wish I were there, too. And I miss you, Sweetheart, very much. Are you sure you're okay?" Olivia tried to tell if Alex was just despondent about her absence, but she sensed there was more to it than that.
After a short pause, she responded, "Yeah, I think so."
"What is it, Sweetheart? You can tell me." Now, Olivia knew for certain something was wrong. At the very least, something was bothering Alex.
"When I got home, Oliver was hiding and I had to hunt him down. He wouldn't even come when I called. When I finally found him under the bed he hissed at me and ran off. That's just not like him, you know?" She decided to tell her lover the least unnerving part. That wasn’t too hard, and it did make her feel better.
"Maybe a bug somehow got into your apartment and found Oliver? Ben ran into a spider one time. It bit him and freaked him out…"
"Yeah, that's probably it. Oh, yuck, I hope Oliver chased him out first! Yuck!”
“I hope so, too.” Olivia chuckled, “Or I’ll help you kill whatever it is when I get there. Self-operating bug-zapper at your service.”
“I’m not sure I want to share my apartment with said bug until then… But, thank you! I do feel so much better now." Alex said happily.
"Do you really, Sweetheart?" To Olivia, her lover’s mood had changed just a little too quickly. Somehow, it didn't quite ring true.
“Yes? Why wouldn’t I?
**Answering a question with a question again…** The brunette sighed silently. She knew Alex was being evasive. As unpleasant as it might be, Olivia felt like she had to force the issue. "Alex? What are you not telling me? Please tell me what's going on?"
"Why must there be anything going on?" Alex tried to let that be the end. “There’s really nothing…”
Not waiting for her lover to finish, Olivia begged, “Sweetheart, please?”
"It's probably nothing…” She relented, and tried to relate what had happened earlier. It was difficult. “You know how sometimes you just get this strange feeling?"
"What kind of feeling?" Olivia asked softly, coaxing. Getting her lover to talk about her troubles hadn’t always been easy.
"Like you're being watched or followed… It's just creepy." She attempted to sound nonchalant, but her voice betrayed her.
“What do you mean, Alex?” The detective immediately switched over to defense mode, seriously concerned.
"It's going to sound crazy, and it probably is. And it’s going to sound so dumb. You’re going to laugh. So, never mind." Alex hesitated, wishing she'd never brought it up.
“I promise, Sweetheart, I won’t laugh. Please tell me what happened?”
“I uh… thought I was being followed. Just my overactive imagination, I’m sure.”
“When was this? What happened?”
“Just now, on my way home. From the safe house. It’s not so cold today, and actually not precipitating, so I thought I’d just walk…” Alex stalled again.
“And?” Olivia encouraged, hoping she wouldn’t have to drag the details out of her lover.
"I know I should’ve been more careful.” She scolded herself, not intending to continue.
“Alex?”
"Velez and his people blew up an airliner to kill one person, right? So what's just another Assistant Public Defender or a random female pedestrian? I’m sure it’s nothing. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now." She said with a laugh, trying very hard to convince Olivia and herself.
"Why don't you call Kurt Brown? Tell him what happened and have him check into it." Olivia suggested. If her lover was holding out in fear of needlessly worrying her, maybe she would be more forth-coming with the Marshals’ or their contact. After all, they were supposed to protect her. **Protect her when I can’t…**
“I really don’t think…”
“Please, Sweetheart, please do it for me?”
"I guess…" Alex sounded doubtful. She hated to cause anyone any trouble. “I still think it’s just my kooky brain.”
“Alex…” She resorted to extracting a promise.
“Okay, okay, I will. Now can we talk about something else?”
“Sweetheart? Are you sure you're all right?" Olivia was really worried that someone might possibly be after Alex. “What else are you not telling me?” She pressed, wishing she were there to make sure everything was okay.
“Why do you think I haven’t told you everything?”
"Alex, don't give me that. I can hear it in your voice. Something scared the hell out of you. Now what was it?" Whatever it was must be something really bad for Alex to be acting this way.
"It's really nothing. It's been a long day and I just got a case of the nerves. Really Liv, I'll be fine, trust me. I just need a good night's sleep and you in my arms."
"Okay, I'll quit badgering you. Just promise me you'll be safe." Olivia decided she would just have to figure it out herself.
"I promise, Liv. I'll be careful." Alex sounded sincere. “I probably should let you get back work though.”
"I'll call you later tonight to see how you are. Okay, Sweetheart?”
“Promise?”
"Of course. And I’ll try to make it an earlier night, so I don’t keep you up.”
“It’s all right. You do what you have to do.” Alex hoped Olivia could hear the smile in her voice. “Stay safe and remember how much I love you," she added softly.
“I love you, too, Alex. I really do miss you, and I'll see you as soon as I can." She waited until the signal tuned off before putting away the phone.
**What’s she hiding?** The detective wondered, her car still parked in the school’s lot. **And if somebody was following her, who? Oh, Christ!** She suddenly remembered all of the community alerts she had seen over Thanksgiving. **Random street attacks don't usually happen in the middle of winter... Still…
**Hopefully, she won’t run into them again…** She gripped the steering wheel, resisting the urge to bang her head against it. **Why didn't you show her how to protect herself? Damn it! You should have not listened to her and insisted! What kind of sex crime detective are you? You of all people should be on the ball and proactive!
**You know why, Benson! Damn you! You just can’t get over your issue, can’t you?** Olivia hung her head. **Elliot’s right… it’s about time…** Expelling a deep breath, she remembered an earlier time, when their relationship was still new…
One day, they were playing, and play turned to lust. In the frenzied moment, she pushed Alex down onto the bed, climbed on top of her and hiked up her skirt. She felt a surge of something, when she saw the look of surprise in the stormy blue eyes. Surprise mixed with arousal mixed with something else…
**What was it?** For the first time, Olivia made herself face her doubts. Sometimes it just wasn't a good idea to pursue the answer to every single question one had. She had always known of her potential to violence and rage. **As much as you love her, Benson, can you guarantee…?** That there wasn’t an aggressive side of her lurking below the surface, waiting to come out in a moment of weakness, she couldn’t finish the thought.
**Was it fear in her eyes?** She wondered, never really wanting to know or confirm. **But it’s almost always there… every time we make love… can’t possibly be fear, can it?**