TITLE: BESIDES WHAT HOPE
E-MAIL: adrienne_miranda@yahoo.com
FANDOM: Law and Order SVU
PAIRING: Alex Cabot / Olivia Benson
DATE: October 28, 2003 to December 15, 2003
FEEDBACK: Yes, please. We’d love to know whether you like this or not!!!
ARCHIVE: Ok, just let us know where.
RATING: Nothing beyond TV-level-graphic-ness. If same-sex relationships bother you though, you might want to read something else.
LEGAL STUFF: Copyrighted 2003 by Adrienne Lee and Miranda Rafferty. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under “Fair Use” doctrine. Authors reserve all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction.
SUMMARY FOR STORY: “I abandoned and forgot myself, laying my face upon my Beloved's breast, I remained lost in oblivion, leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.” Noche Oscura, Stanza 8, Saint John of the Cross
SPOILER: Post “Loss”. There also might be other bits and pieces from various episodes. Oh, we also borrowed a small bit from L&O about Serena.
NOTE: Hank Leadon is our original creation. In our universe, he and Olivia met at Siena College. He went on to become a Manhattan ADA, met Alex on the job, and left to work for the Department of Justice about the time Alex joined SVU. He will show up again in our future stories; we thought we'd explain him now, since he's mentioned briefly in this one.
NEXT STORY: DARKNESS LIGHT
Soft hair brushing against exposed neck, moist breath caressing tender skin... "Liv," soft moan escaped from parted lips.
"Please, Olivia," she protested weakly. "Let me sleep... wasn't earlier enough?" Gentle nibbles against her ear responded to her plea, making her breath catch.
"God, Liv," She whimpered at the persuasive touch, "You know what that does to me..." She smiled, arching against warm body, reaching back to stroke soft brown hair...
Dark head pressed into her hand, and purred at the attention.
"Purred?!" Blue eyes flew open. "Oliver!" She picked the cat up by the scruff of the neck and dropped him onto the floor. "Damn cat..." She muttered, and glanced at the clock. She sighed, and snuggled back under the cover, pushing away the shadow of a passionate touch...
It was three o'clock in the morning. Alex was wide awake.
In truth, she was surprised she had fallen asleep so easily. She even wondered briefly if she had dreamt the conversation with Olivia, that it was just a nightmare. But the ache in her heart reminded her; and tears too long suppressed came unbidden...
Alex Cabot rarely cried. That was true until Olivia came along... Until she broke down each layer of Alex's barriers, walls that she had spent her whole life building. They had shielded her from everything, most of all, her doubts and fears. That defense was long gone, and she hadn't missed it until now.
What of the strong arms that once protected her from horrors, the tender voice that once chased away her pain? Must she now learn to live without them as well?
"Alexandra, stop sniveling. Why do you waste your time crying? Tears don't solve anything." She heard her mother's chastening voice, as if she were in the same room. What normally helped only reminded her of her private hell, and drove her deeper into despair. Stable, logical, cool under fire -- that was how she used to be. Now she was like a leaky faucet, the proverbial basket case.
"Stop wallowing in self-pity, Alexandra. Think about what you have, and you will realize how truly fortunate you are."
"What do I have? I have nothing, mother." She argued with the authoritative voice in her head.
"It is not about what you have, Alexandra. You may lose it all one day. It's about who you are and what you do in life."
"What do you know about losing everything, mother?" Alex had lost everything she held dear. Her whole life had been ripped away without warning. "Fine, you say it's about who I am. Just exactly who am I?" Yes, they had given her a new life, but it wasn't her life. She might as well accept it; she could never be Alex Cabot again. No matter what happened, how good this life was, it wouldn't be the same. "How did I let this happen? How am I supposed to go on?"
"Regrets, Alexandra? You have regrets only because you failed to do your best. If you had, then you should not feel any disappointment or sorrow."
She hadn't always made the wisest choices, but she had tried to make the best choices circumstances allowed her to make. "It is always about what I do, mother. Yes, I know; I remember: Lawyers are either social instigators, or they are parasites of society; and god forbid I should be a parasite. But look where it got me."
She was an emotional wreck. Waking up every morning was a struggle, as her old life still existed in her dreams. And Alex found herself going to bed a little earlier each night, and staying in a little longer each morning, desperately trying to hold on to that fantasy for just a moment more.
She was painfully aware she was on the outside looking in, a virtual exile in her own skin... Hopelessly torn between the present and the past...
And in a weak moment, she closed her eyes and let herself slip into the yielding warm haze... and bask in the gentle, soothing whispers that always made her feel safe and alive... that guided her through the dark nights...
Until those tender memories struck at her violently, suddenly tearing everything away, leaving her naked and afraid.
**Excessive sleep, feeling of hopelessness and helplessness... Aren't those also signs of clinical depression?** Alex mused. She had always hated doctors and been distrustful of pharmaceutical companies. Joe Blaine's case opened her eyes and gave her a new perspective. When Marshal Shuman found out about her chronic insomnia, anxiety attacks, loss of appetite and irritability, he asked the doctor to test her for chemical imbalance.
**Your neurotransmitters were perfectly fine a few weeks ago. That most likely has not changed.** She quickly told herself. Her mother would be disappointed if she thought Alex was wishing for something she couldn't control so she didn't have to take responsibility for her actions.
Truthfully, she did not regret trying to obtain justice for Livia Sandoval. Maybe things would be different had she not insulted Zapata's manhood; but most likely, it was Velez and not Zapata who had a contract out on her, and she would still be here.
In all honesty, her new existence really wasn't bad. This time her work was not about vengeance for the People. This time it was about making a difference in a living victim's life, and saving one child at a time. She was learning a whole new set of tools to use, new arguments to persuade. And she loved the challenge, and the chance to make the system work as it should. No, Alex had no misgivings about the life the government had given her.
"Why do you over analyze everything, Alexandra? You can't rationalize love." That was her mother's advice, another maxim to live by. One she had been failing miserably.
"You just have to trust your heart."
**My heart. What a joke.** For all of Alex's supposed cynicism she was a blubbering fool when it came to matters of love. She wished her heart were like a rock. **Then I wouldn't feel so much pain. A little pain makes you sharp, but this... This is ridiculous.
**When I was waiting to make contact with you, Olivia, it was a path of joy, a path of hope. I couldn't wait for that day to come... and when it did, I was so excited, I had to pace myself. I wanted so much to rush home and call you. I thought I would lose my mind trying to get a hold of you. It was a long two days...
**But now... Where’s the delight? Where’s the excitement? Everything seems so barren…
**I've been telling myself to hold on. I still am...
**Why did I let myself fall in love with you, Olivia? Things would be so much easier if I hadn't... I wouldn't be so miserable...
**Mother always said, if you could reason it away, that it probably wasn't love... And in the beginning, I tried... I tried so hard to rationalize you away...
**Here we are, I've laid my heart out for you, I still have no idea how you really feel... and I still can't... still can’t talk myself out of loving you.
**Did Hank ever tell you about the night he and I went out drinking? He just got the job with the DOJ and proposed to his girlfriend, and I found out I was up for a promotion... We were celebrating and I had a little too much to drink. At some point, he asked me what I thought about you, and before I could stop myself, I told him I thought you were hot... For the life of me, I can't remember what else I told him...
**Since you didn't act any differently around me, after a while, I assumed either he didn't tell you, or whatever I told him wasn't too incriminating... Yes, Olivia, I had a crush on you then...
**I think part of me was a little disappointed that things stayed the same between us... but you had just broken up with Andy, the person you thought you were in love with... I didn't want to be your rebound.
**Still, I was excited that my new job would let me spend more time with you, to get to know you… and maybe you would find something you like about me…
**Do you know why I always wear that sweatshirt you gave me for my six month anniversary with SVU? Property of the entire NYPD? I had jokingly asked. And you explained it was to show I had become a part of the department. I was so grateful for the acceptance... I always felt I was encroaching on your territory. I didn't think you needed me to tell you how to do your job...
**Looking back, I wonder if I weren't hoping for a different answer... Alexandra Cabot, belonging to someone else. Not her own woman. Perish the thought!
**And now...
**Now I feel like I'm hanging on... Hanging on to something that I thought I had… that I'm not even sure ever existed… because I simply can't bear giving up. Giving up means failure. It means admitting defeat. Or worse, that I was wrong… That I've been wrong all along, for so many years... Please Olivia, please don't tell me I've been wrong about us...**
"Maybe I should just let go?" She breathed aloud. But a little voice objected and her heart sustained.
**Right before I left, all you and I seemed to do was argue… We even stayed away from each other. Too many angry words… So many lonely nights… and we just kept on fighting… I never knew my bed could be so big and so cold. I hated fighting with you… I always did, Olivia.
**I still do…
**But I was always so sure that it wouldn't last... That we could never stay away from each other for too long. We always managed to get back together somehow… Somehow, something would make us find one another… and life would be glorious again.
**But that was then… and this is now.
**Everything ended so abruptly, as easily as you would drop a glass -- shattered, irreplaceable, irreparable, destroyed beyond hope and recognition. One single shot, one brief second, and it was all over. There was no going back…
**And I can’t take back what I said to you… I can’t take back any of it…
**I almost wish I could.
**I'm sorry I got defensive. Sorry I pushed. I knew it wasn't fair to you, Olivia... But I still let the lawyer instincts take over, knowing full well the litigator tactics would do more harm than help... I can't explain why I did it. Just like I have no explanation for all the other things I do when it comes to you...
**It scares me so much that I have so little control when I'm around you.
**That evening after the carnival... I watched you from my window. If you had looked up, you would have seen me... watching you park the car. I wasn't surprised when you knocked on my door; I knew Jerry would let you into the building. Sometimes I think you bribed my doormen and my drycleaner... But I digressed...
**You don't know how difficult it was for me to tell you to go away. I wanted so much to fling open the door and let you back in. But I needed time to think, and I told you just that.
**So, you left... and I wasn't sure if you'd be back, but I went again to the window and watched you head away from the car...
**I didn't know what to think then... Should I resign myself? Should I pretend the whole thing didn't bother me, and let things go back to the way they were? Should I cut my losses and prepare my heart for the inevitable?
**But then it started pouring, and all I could think about was you. Where were you? And why weren't you going back to the car? I knew you wouldn't stop and wait at a restaurant or somewhere else until the rain stopped. And I was worried sick that you would catch cold or get into an accident or something...
**I was so relieved to see you come up the street. I almost opened the window and call down to you... Then you got the lion out of the car, and put your jacket over it...
**I was going to make you stay outside my door for a while... I was going to make you crawl... You had hurt me so badly... I wanted you to suffer, too...
**But I saw your tears and I just couldn't...
**So I pulled you in, accepted the stuff toy as your unvoiced apology, and let you stay.
**What was I thinking? I don't know how I could have been so stupid...
**I never should have let you... never should have let myself...
**But it seemed so right, and felt so good. Everything was as it should be, passionate, demanding...
**I don't know how I could have been so weak... I fed my need for you like you were a powerful drug, addictive and overpowering... I let myself surrender...
**And it all seemed so effortless for you... again and again, you took me to heights I never dreamed possible...
**During it all, I kept telling myself it was not mindless sex to you... That you really did love me in your way.
**Afterwards, I tried to convince you that everything was all right between us... I told myself what we had was enough.
**But it wasn't.
**I couldn't believe I had let that happen. How could I have been so stupid? A month of self flagellation wouldn't make up for the level of blazing idiocy I had sunk to.
**The night you and Elliot found me dining with Trevor Langan, I saw a look in your eyes... That look was jealousy, wasn't it? And when you couldn't wait until we got to my apartment... how you took me in the janitor's closet, and made me scream your name... That was to satisfy your need for reassurance; that was love, wasn't it?
**When Hammond started chewing me out about Donovan, you didn't give me a chance to handle it. You just laid into him then and there. You saw how vulnerable I was, and you just stepped in and played my knight in shining armor. Wasn't that a display of love?
**Maybe it was...
**And that was precisely the kind of thing I wanted from you, Olivia. But at that moment, I just wasn't prepared to accept it.
**I had no idea my life would unravel so quickly after that night. Had I known, I would have taken you up on your offer to stay with you. I wanted so badly to feel secure... I didn't want to feel like I was all alone in the world... I wanted you to assuage my fears, and convince me that everything would be all right. But it was too soon... I didn't want to give in to my need. I had neither the strength nor the energy to.
**How I wish now I could have that night back. I would still be going through the same darkness, but at least I would have one less regret...
**My memory of that night would at least have one bright moment... And I would always have that to hold onto, however bitter it might be.
**On the other hand, I suppose I should be grateful that we were arguing, that I had let my pride stand in the way of my heart. Otherwise, Velez would find out about you... and about us... I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if some rash decision I made put your life at risk.
**Always consider the glass half full, right?
**Has it only been seven weeks? God, it seemed so long ago... Sometimes I wonder if I would wake up, and everything would be back to the way it was.
**How I wish that were the case...
**I don't remember much about the night I got shot... I did, though, recall the look of helplessness on your face. It was the only clear memory I had from that night. That, and the love, the pain, and the fear I thought I saw in your eyes. Those were the things I clung onto... that made me come back...
**Please, Olivia, please don't tell me I've been deluding myself… that I was only seeing what I wanted to see... It wasn't all just an illusion, was it?
**Is it really so hard for you to admit you feel something for me? So hard for you to tell just one person about us?
**I wasn't asking you to commit your whole life to me. I just wanted a simple I love you. And you don't even have to shout it from the rooftop.
**When I was at Liz's party, one of her friends tried to monopolize my time... and somehow I felt like I was cheating on you just by acknowledging his existence... Silly, silly me.
**I don't know if I could take much more of this... Don't know if it's worth the pain...
**Suppose I could ask for another relocation, and I'll just stay away from you this time.
**But where to? And who would Alex Cabot be next time? How many times would they start me over and give me a new identity? How often could I keep deceiving myself? I might change my hair, my name, or even my career, but I'm still the same person underneath.
**However far away I might run, I still wouldn't escape myself.
**Can I really deny my feelings for you? Or ignore the connections we have?
**You laughed when I told you I got Serena a gift certificate to a psychic reading for her last birthday; you called it a bunch of BS...
**Sometimes... sometimes I think I know when you get hurt... even just a little bit, like when Guan hit you... I think I can sense it when you're in trouble... I don't know why...
**Of course, it could just be my imagination.
**A few days ago, I had this sudden paralyzing fear during trial... For a moment, I just froze. I was so afraid something bad had happened to you... And when you were so evasive about how your week had been, I knew something did...
**I decided then I couldn't let another chance slip by, without you knowing how I feel about you... you deserve to know.
**As mother said, some truths are just self-evident.
**Should I just let go? Do you want me to?
**Maybe it's better for you, Olivia... better for both of us... Maybe in the end, it'll be better for me... Maybe I should just get on with my life.** Alex waited for that little voice that spoke up earlier, but it stayed silent this time. **Am I getting so accustomed to living a lie that I am lying to myself?**
"Alexandra, why don't you follow your heart?" Her mother's voice answered instead.
**Sometimes it's difficult to let your heart lead when your mind tells you, and your heart agrees, that it would shatter into a million pieces with one tiny false move. Just one.**
Alex looked around her, the bare walls of her condo closing in - sterile cream color walls that she kept putting off decorating. **This is not home... never could be, never would be home...
**I wish I could have just a moment of peace.** Even just a brief, fleeting instant of calmness, where her mind and her heart could rest.
She reached for the book of poetry Olivia had given her. **It seemed so long ago,** she stared at the book-marked page. **I still remembered the shy smile on your face when you gave me the book... The tremor in your voice when you asked me to read the poem...
**And I waited for you to tell me what that word was...
**Instead, I saw the uncertainty in your eyes, and you said, 'You’re important to me.'
**I accepted the declaration then as the breakthrough that it was. You mean a lot to me, too, Olivia. Much more than you'll ever know.**
It all seemed so long ago... At times, it felt like a pleasant dream that ended too soon, too abruptly.
**Perhaps it never really happened.** She might even believe it, but for the fierce ache and the deep unfulfilled yearning in her soul. **I hate this. I wish I didn't feel this much pain.**
Alex clutched at the faded blue NYPD sweatshirt, and pressed the opened book to her chest, hoping they would burn away the stark chill. These were the only things from her old life she had with her... The last shreds of evidence of what they had meant to each other...
Instead of helping her hold on, they only reminded her of the darkness that overwhelmed her.
**************************************************************************************************************
"Hi, Jaime!"
She recognized that bright tone anywhere now. "Hi, Liz!" She looked up from her newly arrived 2004 Assistant PD badge. **What right do I have to have friends?** she wondered as Desai approached. **Wonderful, giving Liz... Maybe she's just a part of my pre-fabricated life, told to be nice to me... Even if she weren’t, how can you be a true friend when everything she knows about you is built on a lie?**
“You ok, Jaime?”
“Yeah,” she replied, not very convincingly. The glare from the bright gold badge suddenly hurt her eyes.
“Is Brown working you to death?” Liz sat down next to Jaime on the wooden bench. “Don’t let him run your life like he did mine. He forgets you’re only a volunteer, that you have a job, and a life.”
**What life?** She reflected. “No, it’s not the center. The cases lately have been...” she paused, “Open and shut.” Not easy, nothing was ever easy.
“Oh, the mail-order pre-teen domestic servants slash concubines.” It wasn't a question, and Liz didn't bother to hide her disgust.
"Yeah," Jaime nodded. Here, she didn't have to get the kids to trust her enough to tell her how they were tortured or victimized. She didn't need to make them relive the darkest moments of their lives, then tell them the powers that be in this land of the free didn’t think they suffered enough. Still, there was no more joy in knowing that these girls were getting to stay because their parents had sold them into a life of forced servitude.
“Another abused child in the foster care merry-go-round.” Liz always tried so hard to place these children, but the ones who didn't speak English usually get bounced from one home to another. “I just love my job.”
She shook her head in acquiescence.
"Hey. You're still coming over for Thanksgiving, right?"
"I..." Jaime hesitated.
"Oh no, you're not backing out on me. Tom's cooking, and misery loves company." Responding to raised eyebrows, she explained, "Well, I need someone to share his experimental cooking. Did I tell you he made a turducken and dipped it in chocolate last year?"
"He didn't..." Jaime grimaced.
"That was just wrong. A waste of perfectly good choc..." She stopped mid-sentence, and looked at her friend thoughtfully. "Jaime?"
"Yes?" The little girl voice responded. Wanting to flee, she hoped for her docket call.
Liz put an arm around Jaime's shoulder, "Are you having problems with your boyfriend?"
“Girlfriend,” she corrected, barely a whisper.
“Ah, do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. You know, the whole long distance thing,” and all the other things she couldn't tell anyone about.
“Yeah, that can be really rough." She patted Jaime with her free hand. "Tom and I did it for 2 years right after law school, while he was working for the SEC... I used to wonder all the time if it was worth it.”
"How did you do it?"
“You really gotta know what you want and work at it.”
“Right, and I don’t know what she wants,” Jaime confessed, no longer trying or able to hide her suffering.
“Do you know what you want?”
“I think so.” She exhaled, “I don’t know…” and closed her eyes. “I really don’t want to…” Cry again.
“I understand.” Recognizing Jaime's pain, Liz offered, “If you need a sympathetic ear, or a friendly hug, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks.” She managed, torn between feeling alone and not wishing to be. Nothing can make her whole.
Color-enhanced hazel eyes closed tightly to shut out tears, only to be confronted by a different face full of emotion and concern. **Can't you just stay out of my head, Olivia? Please let me have a little peace?** She opened them quickly, and let her shoulders sag.
“Hey,” Liz squeezed her quickly. “Tell your girlfriend you have this pushy friend who’s already lined up all sorts of ready and willing suitors for you.”
Remembering the one time they went to a gay bar... Olivia's protective embrace through the evening, and her smirky smile when she lay exhausted in her arms that night... **That was love, too. Wasn't it?** she asked silently. Jaime turned to her friend, perhaps with a look of shock or sheer terror. She wasn't sure.
“I’m sorry, you know I’m just kidding.” Liz whispered in mock conspiracy, “but she doesn’t have to know that.”
Jaime shook her head ruefully and smiled, “I’ve got the center after work, but I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”
“Make sure you do, O’Brien.” Liz gave her a light shove, “Now go dispense some justice.”
**************************************************************************************************************
Jaime O’Brien, crusader in rusted, dented armor.
Was it her sense of justice?
Her egotistical righteousness?
Or was it the scared little girl who took on everyone’s problem because she was too afraid to face her own?
**************************************************************************************************************
“Ms. O’Brien.” A voice came from behind.
“Oh, hello, Padre,” Alex turned around, startled. She didn’t realize she was standing by the entrance to the church.
“Can I help you?”
“Oh, no, Padre.” She quickly shook her head, “I was just…”
“It’s ok, Ms. O’Brien.” Father Francisco smiled kindly, “we all have our doubts.” He held out his hands, “You do good work helping those kids,” and clasped hers comfortingly. “But once in a while, we could use some help ourselves,” he continued, his eyes full of compassion. “Even the holiest has her Noche Oscura, her dark night of the soul.”
**And you’re definitely holey,** she laughed at herself soundlessly. **I don’t really need any help,** she wanted to tell the priest, but something made her stop.
He moved past her, still guiding her by the hand, “Come on in,” and held the door open for her. “His house is your house.”
Alex followed with slight apprehension. Her father had been Protestant, but she did recall the Catholic etiquette her mother taught her when she was little.
“Talk to the Mother,” Father Francisco led her to the Lady Chapel. “She listens.” He patted her lightly on the arm, “If you need me, I’ll be in the vestry over there.”
She lit a candle, and looked up at the serene features, “Um, I’m new at this. Please bear with me...”
**************************************************************************************************************
Night had long fallen by the time Alex left the church, and walked the six blocks home. After checking to make sure Oliver still had food in his bowl, she took the cell phone from her purse, and turned it on.
Alex was somewhat relieved that Olivia hadn’t tried to call. She had prepared herself for the worst, but she didn't think she was ready to deal with it. She put the phone into the cradle, and moved towards her bedroom.
“Let’s go to bed, Oliver.”
She was just too tired to think anymore, too emotionally drained. She had told Olivia she needed time to think about what she wanted.
Olivia would have to convince her there was something between them worth saving. Whether she knew it or not, the final decision was up to her. All she had to do was say three simple words and everything would be okay. They would have a future together instead of an unfinished past.
Either way, Alex now had the strength to go on with her life, with or without Olivia.
“Come on,” she patted the spot next to her side, and smiled when the cat flopped down and presented his belly. She obliged and focused on the contented low purr.
There was nothing left to think, nothing more to feel, nowhere for her to go... and her body took over from her mind...
In the semi-dream state, Alex remembered the night Oliver found her...
She wrapped the cat in a towel, and dried him gently but thoroughly. To her surprise, he seemed to enjoy the attention, and purred as she rubbed him dry.
"So what am I going to do with you, beast?" She asked aloud. The cat cocked his head, and appeared to be listening to her. He meowed and butted her leg with his head.
"Are you hungry, boy?" He trilled as if he understood her query. She chuckled, and got a small can of tuna from the pantry. The minute the smell reached the cat's nose he began to call frantically. Alex laughed, and set the can before him. He immediately attacked the food and didn't stop until it was gone. Meanwhile, she left a bowl of water next to the can, and he drank his fill.
Then, he sat on the kitchen floor and cleaned his face, and watched her while she put away the groceries. When her microwave dinner was done, he followed her to the couch. And he waited until she was settled, jumped up on the couch, and sprawled next to Alex. Snuggling into her side and purring, he promptly fell asleep.
"Well, boy, I suppose I could use a companion, someone to take care of besides me. Okay, beast, you now have a home." She said and smiled to herself, "Any port in a storm, right?"
"Welcome to the family, Oliver." She stroked his head affectionately. His name had come to her that quickly. Brown hair, wise eyes, and slightly unkempt, yeah it worked.
… As she drifted deeper into sleep, she remembered what Father Francisco said the day they met. **Are you my angel, Oliver?** She wondered vaguely, registering his purr as she cuddled him.
… And she dreamt of the poem, of Olivia holding her in the cold night. Softly. Sweetly. Her voice filling her, bringing peace to her still heart.
Some time during the deep dark night, the inner storm broke and let in the light.