TITLE: TOUCHING SHADOWS
E-MAIL: adrienne_miranda@yahoo.com
FANDOM: Law and Order SVU
PAIRING: Alex Cabot / Olivia Benson
DATE: December 20, 2003 to January 5, 2004
FEEDBACK: Yes, please. We'd love to know whether you like this or not!!!
ARCHIVE: Ok, just let us know where.
RATING: Nothing beyond TV-level-graphic-ness. If same-sex relationships bother you though, you might want to read something else.
LEGAL STUFF: Copyrighted 2004 by Adrienne Lee. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under "Fair Use" doctrine. Authors reserve all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction.
SUMMARY FOR STORY: "Like a wet log, I sang within a flame. In that last while, eternity's confine, I came to love, I came into my own." The Dream, Theodore Roethke
SPOILER: Post "Loss". There also might be other bits and pieces from various episodes.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Miranda for beta reading. This unorthodoxed interpretation of Alex's past is all Adrienne. Please target the tomatoes appropriately! Oh, we created Ling Szeto. If we were to cast her, we would use Lucy Liu.
NEXT STORY: GETTING TO KNOW YOU
This was the first Thanksgiving in years that Alex spent away from the foundation, the first truly relaxing day she had in a very long time. She called Liz the night before, and turned down her invitation. Her new friend understood when she explained her girlfriend came into town unexpectedly.
**I hope Chinese take out for Thanksgiving was acceptable.** She looked at the sleeping form stretched out on the futon, dark head resting in her lap. **I just wanted you to myself, at least for today.**
**You're so full of surprises.** Alex was stunned when Olivia asked to speak with Liz, and promised her a visit when she came back for Christmas. **Thank you for the efforts. I know how difficult it must be for you.** She smiled tenderly, resisting the urge to hug her lover.
**You look exhausted, Olivia. What have you been doing to yourself?** The past weeks had been long for both of them, especially the last few days. **Guess I wasn't of much help, was I? Sorry if I wore you out… You seemed surprised that I took the initiative, rather than reciprocating as usual… You didn't mind, did you?** She felt a smirky grin tug at her lips. Now she understood why Olivia always found it so difficult to suppress hers.
**I hope you haven't gone back to this...** Alex looked at the glass of wine in her hand, and set it aside. The half finished bottle was re-corked and left on the kitchen counter. She was happy her lover rarely had more than one or two drinks as their relationship progressed.
Alex never drank that much. She could count with one hand all the times she misgauged her own tolerance. She didn't like how liquor might cloud one's judgment, and make one lose control. Her uncle's caution about the dangers of alcohol and drug addiction for lawyers and judges because of the stress and long hours stuck. There was also that little voice in the back of her mind, of her mother warning her over and over again about the most unsuspecting person doctoring one's drink. At some point, she wondered if her mother's paranoia stemmed from experience. As far as she was aware though, Alexander Cabot was the only man her mother knew intimately.
**I really should call Mother.** She glanced at the gray phone on the table. **But I'd really hate to wake you. You look so peaceful...**
Olivia let out a small sigh, and shifted in her sleep.
**What are you dreaming? Ah, I think I know... I recognize that little grin. It dances on your lips whenever I catch you watch me... whenever you kiss me with your eyes... and touch me with your smile...** Alex hugged herself reflexively, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. **It used to drive me insane when we were at work. But I never wanted you to stop.**
She felt a movement behind her, and reached back just in time to interrupt Oliver's attempt to jump onto her lover. Her gaze returned to the cell phone once more. Alex really didn't want talk to her mother. But she knew her mother would appreciate a call, especially on Thanksgiving.
**It's still early. I'll wait and let you rest a little longer...**
Alex always hated Thanksgiving. The holidays spent with the children at the foundation when she was growing up, the lovely time she had with Olivia last year, didn't help wipe the memory of that horrible day from her mind.
Sometimes she wondered why her parents got married. She knew her paternal grandfather only approved of her mother because of her family's name and history, and how it would help legitimize Alexander Cabot's place in society. On the Cabot scale of wealth, her mother's family was impoverished.
**I never knew my grandfather.** She explained to her still slumbering lover. Maybe some day, she would actually tell Olivia how Alexandra Cabot came to be. One day. **I suspect I would have wanted to prosecute him for how he found his fortune. When one of my visiting cousins tried to tell people we were descended from Sebastian Cabot the explorer, I laughed. And I told them we must have come from the wrong side of the sheets...
**I didn't even know what that meant then. But poor Edith was horrified. Then everyone started making sure I wasn't around when they talked, that no improprieties ever got into my ears. God, I can't believe I had such a sheltered life.** She pressed her lips together and shook her head.
**I always thought my parents loved each other. They were the perfect couple. My mother was the perfect wife: loyal and understanding. She stood by my father's side, and never had any ill words or feelings towards him... She couldn't even call me Alex because that's what she called Daddy... And Daddy... He was the loving, generous husband: attentive and supportive when his wife let him. He was away on business a lot. But when he was home, he would revolve his days around Mother. And he spoiled me rotten, always telling me how much I reminded him of Mother when they were young...
**Oh, that was before my growth spurt.** She felt the need to clarify.
**I just turned twelve that year... It was an eventful year, full of milestones.** Alex smiled wistfully. **First time I was allowed to go see a movie unescorted by an adult. My first period. The first time I kissed a boy, granted, it was a small peck on the lips from my fourth cousin. Yeah, ewww, I know.** She stretched her back slightly, and tugged the blanket gently around Olivia's shoulders.
**First time I kissed a girl... with tongues... and we were fumbling and awkward,** she grinned. **First time my father told me about the facts of life. You know, the birds and the bees...** Then her expressions darkened. **It was also the first time I learned the truth about my parents' love...
**It was the day before Thanksgiving, the Thanksgiving after my twelve birthday. Daddy was home. He always made sure to be home around the important holidays. And there was this jump that he tried to show me last time we rode together, and I kept balking. So as soon as the sun came up, I went out and tried again.**
Alex furrowed her brows in reflection. **Maybe I was trying too hard... You know me. I get so easily frustrated. And I obsess, especially over things I couldn't do...
**Anyway, I wasn't even paying attention when I finally did it. I just wanted to get closer to see the pretty doe. She scaled the fence, and my horse followed right after her. And I was so excited. I wanted to tell Daddy... I knew he would have been so proud of me...** She rolled her shoulders, and expelled a deep breath.
**I found him in the hunting lodge. Drinking...** She closed her eyes to fight back tears, and let her emotions settle from the memory.
**I've seen him helped upstairs by his valet before, so I knew he drank. But... He never touched liquor before lunch. It just wasn't the proper thing to do. When I walked in, the place reeked of scotch, and it wasn't even 10 o'clock... I was going to leave, and let him be. Before I could get to the door, he spoke.**
"Stay. You never bothered to come here before."
**At first, I was confused. We had been there many times, my father and I. It was like our sanctuary from the rest of the world...** She cast her gaze upwards to the ceiling, before looking back down to Olivia, and bit her lip. **Then I realized who he thought he was talking to.**
"What have I done to deserve this visit? Are you trying to catch me with my latest secretary?
"Oh, wait. You never cared before, why should you now?"
**I knew my father changed secretaries like someone would change shirts. But there were always some reasonable excuses for their leaving.** Alex shook her head in disbelief. **Well, they sounded reasonable to me then.**
"Have you ever noticed that they always looked like you?
"When you were younger? When we just met?
"But they're just women I paid for, cheap whores who could never be you.
"For a time we were happy, you and I... at least I thought we were. What happened?
"I love you, so much, Celine, and I know you love me.
"But I know you're always holding a part of yourself back, I know you'll never love me the way I wanted you to, the way I love you.
"Haven't I been a good husband? Haven't I been a good father?
"You were horrified that I told Alexandra to never fall in love with the first person she truly gives herself to. Was I really so wrong to want to spare our daughter from heartbreaks? I gave myself to you, and look at where it has gotten me.
"Always trying to get from other women what I can't get from you, afraid that Alexandra will find out one day, and trying to drown my guilt in this." He swished his tumbler around.
"Why can't you love me back? Why?"
**I didn't know what to say or do. I kept hoping he would realize he was talking to me, and not Mother. Then he said it...**
"Doesn't matter. Just get out of here. Leave."
**I just turned around and fled... Rode as fast and far as my horse was willing to go. Truth hurts. God, it hurt so much. I was devastated.** Alex hugged herself, and bit her lip hard, willing the tears to stay back, and failing. She tried to steady her breathing, then checked to make sure Olivia was still sleeping soundly, and let her presence comfort her. Finally, the pain subsided.
**When I finally got home that evening, nobody scolded me for missing lunch or being late for dinner. Everyone just avoided looking at me. Edith brought dinner to my room... I didn't even have to ask. I knew something was wrong. I thought maybe my father came back to the house and got into an argument with Mother or something... Or maybe everyone got worried about me for being gone all day, and that was my punishment...
**The next morning, Mother called for me...** Alex closed her eyes again, concentrating on the movements of her lungs. **She told me Daddy died of a heart attack the afternoon before, at the lodge.
**That's why I was upset when I thought you were drinking out of guilt, I'm sure you heard the disapproval in my voice. We never discussed it... But then we don't talk that much about things that really bother us...** She smiled down at Olivia, with determination and tenderness in her eyes. **You just stopped drowning yourself in alcohol. I'm glad. I don't think I could handle too much of that. I'm relieved too, that you never asked why I feel the way I do about it. No one knew I saw my father the morning he died. I didn't even tell Ling. For some reason, I was ashamed. I don't know why...** Alex turned her gaze inwards; after a while, she just shook her head. A rueful expression lingered.
**I blamed my mother for the longest time... Well, I blamed myself, too. If I hadn't run away, if I had gone back to the house and gotten help, maybe he wouldn't have died that day...** She took a deep, stabling breath. **As I got older, I knew it wasn't my fault. I was a kid and I was just obeying orders. I also understood the cliché, that it took two parties to tango... and that there are two sides to every story... and I stopped hating Mother. After all, she was all I had, and vice versa...**
As she grew older, Alex started to avoid love and intimacy like a plague. Her father drank himself to death for the love of a woman. She swore she would never be like him, not for a man, not for a woman. Love made one lose control. It was nothing but a sign and source of weakness. So she drowned herself in getting good grades, in her career, in social duty, sparing no time for relationships. She allowed no one to get close to her, nor herself to get close to anyone.
**Then you showed up... So strong, so self-assured, so relentless...** A genuine smile brightened fair features.
Everything about Olivia just endeared her to Alex, right down to the Warner Brothers cartoons. Then she started wondering if her father was wrong, that perhaps it was better to have loved than not at all. **Did I really have a choice? I guess it doesn't really matter.**
Her mind and her heart were warring with each other in the distinct voices of her parents. It took a while, but in the end, her mother won. Once that battle was decided, she charged ahead. There was no looking back. One thing about Alexandra Cabot, she never felt the need to beat her own head against the brick wall to see if it would hurt. She was more than happy to learn from other people's mistakes. She was determined not to have a marriage like her parents'. And she promised herself to never hold anything back from the person she loved, no matter how much it scared her. After all, Alexandra Cabot never did anything half-assed, or half-heartedly. She wasn't going to start with love.
That night, at the church, Alex thought about her despair. She realized she didn't need to be right about their love, didn't need validation from Olivia or anyone else.
**I still don't know why I was such a basket case...** She shrugged. Normally, she would want to analyze it to death to reach at least a reasonable answer, if not the true answer. But she didn't feel the need then, still hadn't felt the desire to. There was no compulsion for perfection, no customary desire to fully comprehend.
Whatever the cause, she made the decision to let it go. She knew how she felt about Olivia, she knew she had at least known love, had much more than a kiss, much more than a touch, and that was enough.
**Perhaps it was about learning to let go... to welcome the ineffable... to give up control... to accept myself.**
She thought about the promise Olivia so unfairly extracted this morning. **How did you talk me into that?** She smiled. It was nice not to feel the need to take responsibility for everything sometimes.
**Perhaps Ling was right...
**I was nervous when you two finally met last Christmas. So concerned the two of you might not get along. I really don't know why I worry so much. You won her over so easily. And I think you saw through her bluster just like you did mine.**
Ling Szeto, the daughter of the Cabot's chef until retirement, Alex's best friend growing up. They shared everything: every joy, every victory, every fear, and every adventure. They even shared the same birthday. She missed Ling.
Ling was everything Alex wanted to be. She didn't have the gawky height. She had naturally straight hair that Alex wished she had, and spent way too much time manufacturing. When she did care for them, Ling was the one who got all the attention from the boys.
**She would complain that they were after her only because she looked like a pretty china doll. Then, she ended up with Douglas.** She rolled her eyes. **How funny is that.**
The biggest difference between them though, Ling was groomed to be Mrs. Cabot's lawyer, and Alex was destined to serve the public. And in Alex's eyes, to Mrs. Szeto, Ling could do no wrong.
Still, they were so very much alike. They both lost their father when they were young. They were both extremely bright and focused. They were tutored together, and were college and law school roommates. Alex's mother arranged for them to clerk for the same law firm. They had the same unflattering reputation, which they wore like a badge of honor.
**There was a time, not too long ago, when I thought Ling was the confident pit bull... while I was the little lap dog, barking loudly because its shadow seemed menacing...** She grinned, as Olivia shifted again and chuckled in her sleep. **Oh, you probably saw that.**
The friends were hopelessly hooked on Ally McBeal when the show first aired. **Me, addicted to a television show. Can you imagine?** They saw bits and pieces of themselves in Lucy Liu and Portia di Rossi's characters. **Ok, huge bits and pieces.**
Alex's Ling always knew what went on under Alex's smooth facade. And once in a great while, she would have what her friend called an 'Ally Moment', except she made Calista Flockhart's character seem extremely well adjusted.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, it's five in the morning. I've been up for hours redesigning the Great Wall of China."
"Sorry, I keep forgetting you have a reason to stay in bed these days."
"All right, Alex, out with it. Do you have a new issue? Or is it the same one?"
"At times like this, I think I should go see a therapist."
"Why? I'll be more than happy to give you crap for free!"
"I have no doubts. So, are you coming over or not?"
"Of course, I wouldn't miss our Monday night ritual for the world."
"Don't forget to bring it."
"Bring what?"
"You know what. The book."
"The book. The book. I stepped out of the office for two hours yesterday, and I had six messages from you. God, Alex, you're so damn obsessive compulsive."
"I just didn't want you to forget."
"How could I forget? You kept reminding me!"
"I just want to make sure."
"I thought you said you were going slow."
"I am. We are. Well, she definitely is."
"Was that a growl of impatience I hear?"
"More like frustration."
"You've waited this long already. What's the rush?"
"No rush, Ling. I just want to be prepared."
"Fine. I'm walking over to the bookshelf as we speak... There, it's now in my briefcase. I'll take it to your mom's big meeting with me. Happy now?"
"Humph."
"Maybe I should wear my black suit with my dominatrix pumps. What do you think? It seems to be working for you."
"Sorry Ling, it's the glasses. Besides, you already have Douglas eating out of your hands."
"And you're the one who needs the book."
"Right."
"Oh, Alex, I gotta go. See you tonight then?"
"Sure. Tell my mother I said hello."
"It won't kill you to tell her yourself. But I will."
Later that evening, Ling walked through the door, handed Alex several large grocery bags, and headed into her friend's bedroom.
"What's all this?" The blond sat the proffered bags on the coffee table.
"My mom's cooking, and your very own two liter bottle of super-caffeinated soda." Ling responded as she came out wearing one of Alex's t-shirts. "Why do you ask every week?"
She grinned, "Because I hate to assume?" and started to take the contents out.
"Alex, there are some things in life you can always count on," Ling grabbed the only two forks from the kitchen and flopped down on a cushion facing the television, "My mom sending you enough food to feed an army is one of them."
"I don't want your mom to think I take her for granted." Alex picked up a Tupperware and sat cross-legged on the sofa behind her friend.
"I doubt you know how to take anyone or anything for granted even if you tried." Ling commented as she picked up another container and tuned in to Fox.
"And people in the dorm wondered why we couldn't cook." She laughed quietly and took a bite from her friend's food.
"I don't know about you." Ling rolled her eyes, and scooped from Alex's, "I still can't."
"Me neither. What are you going to do when your mom gets tired of feeding us?"
"Give me microwave or give me death?"
"That's my line."
"I know. Oh, here, Alex." She pulled out a manila envelope from her briefcase.
"What's this?" The blond asked, eyeing the size of the package.
"Draft contracts from this afternoon..." Ling answered distractedly, staring at the TV. "I think I finally got those idiots to see my way."
"The suit? The shoes? What was it?"
"Neither, just little ol' persuasive me... and maybe the push-up bra and seam in the stockings..."
"And nothing else?" Alex squeaked wide-eyed, nearly choking.
"Nope."
"What? A little tension make you sharp?" She elicited, disbelief heavy in her voice.
"I'm just learning from you."
"I do not dress like that!"
"There's always a first time!" Ling responded cheerfully. "On second thought, maybe you should harness the horse before you get in the cart."
Alex contemplated how her friend might look with red peppers and chicken in her hair. She decided to change the topic. "Are you really okay with this?"
"The terms? Yeah, I think so."
"No, with me going over the paperwork."
Ling whipped back and demanded, "Do you have to ask me this every damn time I bring you work, too? How long has it been?"
"Years." Alex winced. She could almost hear the growl in her friend's throat.
"Exactly." Ling smiled, and handed the blond a new container, putting the lid back onto the old one. "You know I don't mind. Two heads are always better than one. You and I work well together."
"That's true." She nodded in agreement.
"If you weren't so hung up on this public service thing, I'd hire you."
"And you already know I work cheap." Alex commented casually, twirling the noodles around her fork.
"No kidding. It's really a crime what they pay you guys," Ling sounded just a bit disgusted. Then, she turned to her friend and suggested jokingly, "Hey, maybe your cop can go arrest your boss or something."
Alex narrowed her eyes and responded bleakly, "She's not mine."
"Touchy! You know what I mean!" She waited until the blonde’s expression softened, "Do you know my senior paralegal makes more than you even after your raise?"
"Oh, well. The satisfaction is in the job." And she meant it.
"I help your mom help people, too, Alex." Ling sounded a little hurt.
"I know." She smiled at her friend, and was pleased that the gesture was returned.
"If you ever come to your senses. Hell, I'll even make you partner."
"Szeto and Cabot, P.C. Hmmm..." She thought about it, and grinned. "Partner, huh?"
"You'll have to be my slave for the first year, just so the other associates don't think I play favorites." She winked. "But why not?"
"I think you'll have to get my master's permission first. And I wish you a lot of luck." The blond sighed softly.
Ling reached back, and squeezed Alex's knee gently. "I need permission from you, Alex, not your mom."
"Right." She rolled her eyes. "If I crossed my arms and blinked, there'd be world peace."
"You forgot the harem costume."
"No, I didn't."
"Alex?" Ling spoke up when a commercial came on.
"Ling?" She was surprised at the hesitance in her friend's voice.
"Why don't you let your mom do something for you once in a while?" Ling asked softly.
"Like what?"
"Like this place?" She motioned with her fork. "I'm sure the criminals keep you busy enough."
Alex appreciated her friend's concern, but she really didn't want to continue with the discussion. "I never wanted my address dictated by what society deems proper."
"Maybe that's the only reason your mom could come up with that she thought you wouldn't fight her on," Ling responded thoughtfully. Either she was trying to come up with an explanation, or she was playing messenger, Alex wasn't sure.
"I loved that place. You saw how great it was. Why does she care where I live anyway?" She tried to argue. "Your mom wouldn't have said anything if you wanted to move there." The fire left her voice.
"No. But do you remember how Williamsburg was when we first graduated?" Ling countered gently. "My mom would have worried herself sick. Silently."
"I know how to take care of myself. My mother knows that."
"Maybe she also knows you're a workaholic and wanted you to have a shorter commute? Who knows why parents do what they do."
"Your mom doesn't make you do unnecessary things."
"No, my mom just wants to hem up my pants. Once in a while, I let her because I know it makes her happy and makes her feel needed, even though it kills me."
"She also knows you'll starve without her cooking." Alex tried to brighten the conversation.
Ling grinned and swapped Tupperware with her friend, "Yup, and so will you."
"In any case," she concluded, nibbling on the stir fry seitan, "Your mom is infinitely easier to please."
"I'm not so sure. My brother could argue forever with you on that, until the two of you turn blue. Then I would have to call you Smurfette."
Blue eyes narrowed. "And you would, wouldn't you?" She made a face.
"You bet." Ling laughed. "Honestly, Alex, aren't you glad your mom raised you the way she did?"
"I could use a few less neuroses, but yes." She shook her head at the proffered rice and focused on the television.
Ling's throat clearing and knock on the table brought her back. "Ok, Alex. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you can look at everything as a character builder. But why do you always make things so difficult?"
"Why do I get the feeling you've changed topic?" She licked her fork and handed it to her friend, along with her food.
"Well, I have, and I haven't." Ling poured soda into a glass and passed it up. "We're still talking about your neuroses."
"We're always talking about them." Alex uncrossed her legs and tapped her friend lightly with her toes, then accepted the drink.
"Hey, at least you know they're there so you can get rid of them."
"What makes you think I want to?"
"You should."
"But then I wouldn't be me, and I wouldn't run you nuts."
"Oh, Alex." Ling got up from the floor and turned to face her friend. "I'm sure you will find a way. I have faith in you."
"I wish I had the same faith you do," she mumbled into her drink as Ling headed into the kitchen.
She came back with a cup of tea and sat down next to Alex on the couch. "So, what are you going to do with your societal obligation fulfillment unit?"
"My what?"
"The big goof ball you see off and on."
"I don't know. Sometimes I think I should just do what my dad said." Suddenly, the way her soda was fizzing seemed really interesting.
"What about what your mom said?"
"Why does it have to be so difficult?" She rested the cold glass against her forehead.
"He's a defense attorney, Alex. How's that going to help your shark image?"
"I don't know how long I can keep that up." Alex sighed, and put down her drink.
"I know that feeling. But sometimes you have to be a raving bitch so people don't think they can walk all over you."
"Right, there is also that." They already talked about this during her last Ally Moment, about her new job. She didn't want to go there again.
"Are people still buying into your act though?"
"Everyone except her, it seems."
"Your honor, may I enter Exhibit 1 into evidence..." Ling raised a finger, and declared smugly.
"But I do want to be a judge one day."
"So?"
"How does she fit into that image?"
"Oh," Ling flashed Alex a wicked grin. "I'm sure you'll manage to make your life-style a political calling card."
"That's very true." She agreed, oozing defiance.
"All these guys are going to say, Here, take our votes, now please please please let us watch."
"You're awful," Alex colored slightly. "But Trevor and I will make beautiful children together, should I want them someday."
"You and any random sperm could do that." Ling grinned.
"But he's safe and he seems interested. Meanwhile, she's neither."
"You're safe and boring enough for two people, Alex." She lifted her eyebrows and pointed a finger at her friend, telling her friend to let her continue, "And from what you've told me, she's definitely interested. Sounds like she just figured it out for herself, too!" She backhanded Alex on the arm.
"I don't know, Ling, I keep thinking my dad might be right..." The blond sighed, and tucked her legs up, wrapping her arms around her knees. "And Trevor has been so patient..."
"But you have no problem making him wait," Ling voiced the obvious.
"Not really."
"Even though you know he's getting it elsewhere."
"No. Why shouldn't he?"
"Meanwhile, you called me out of a conference to tell me she cancelled your date to go to a bar." She squinted at her friend to make a point.
"It wasn't just a bar!" Alex threw a pillow at Ling, she was disappointed when it was snatched from the air. "Besides, your secretary told me you were finishing up."
"Tell me you feel even a little bad that he's not the one making you warm and gooey." Ling egged on.
"Is that how Douglas makes you feel?"
"This is not about me, Alex."
"You're the one who started on this tangent."
"I just want to make sure you don't do anything you're going to regret."
"You and my mother. Who said I was going to do anything?" She tried to turn her attention back to the television again, but her friend wouldn't have any of that.
"Alex, you may have to work hard for something that's worthwhile, but not everything's worth your hard work."
She expelled a deep breath, and turned to face Ling in defeat. "How can you tell which is which?"
"Sometimes, things are easy. So easy that they happen without you realizing. And then you wake up one day, you just notice it's there, and it's been there all along."
"Must you always speak in riddles?"
"Only when I'm around you."
"Why?"
"I don't think your delicate sense of propriety can handle all the filth that goes through my head."
"Why does everyone think that?"
"Because you scream it?"
"It could be the libertine you hear," Alex countered.
Ling put a hand against her ear dramatically, "Hello?!?" then grinned widely. "Mens reas alone doesn't constitute a crime. Do you need a Crim 101 refresher?"
"So, about my actus reas," Alex managed to look neutral. She was so proud of herself. "Do you have the book?"
Ling threw up her hands. "You don't get it, do you? Valentin Chu isn't going to help you any."
"It helped you! Doesn't Douglas think you're this great Chinese sex goddess?"
"He thought that after our first time. Before I bought the book."
"Really?" The blond was genuinely surprised.
"Yeah, really. You don't always have to know what you're doing all the time, Alex. Life would be really, really dull."
She should have changed the subject right there, but she was too curious for her own good. "Did you ever tell him?"
"No! Are you out of your mind? I have a divine image to protect! Are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Are you going to tell her?"
"Who her?"
"The person you're trying to learn ancient Taoist sexual secrets for!"
"It could be him, you know."
"Yes, and I could be the Snow Princess of Sheba! So, are you?"
"No!" She barked. "Now you are out of your mind!"
Ling just raised an eyebrow at her. "Hey, I'm not the one who thinks she could learn love from a book."
"I just don't want to repeat the same disaster you and I had."
"Don't be ridiculous, Alex." She sighed exaggeratedly. "We were twelve and we both had braces. Stop worrying."
"I'm not worrying.” She forced out the image of Edith finding them in Alex’s bedroom stuck together. “I'd just like to be prepared..."
"Yeah, yeah. Never ask a question without knowing the answer. Avoid surprises at all costs. Need I remind you again my moot court scores were always higher than yours?"
"That's because all the judges had yellow fever."
"Take it back, Alex! Take it back!" Ling held up a pillow, ready to strike.
"Or what?" She merely crossed her arms.
"Or I'll kick your ass!"
"It doesn't worry you that I might enjoy it?" Alex grinned.
"No, you're the worry wart." Ling laughed.
"You know I can't help it." She shook her head.
"Relax, Alex, you'll do fine, when it happens... Whenever that might be."
"If it happens."
"Fine." Ling tossed the cushion at Alex. "If it happens. She'll worship the ground you walk on."
She caught it, and hugged it to herself. "You really think so?"
"One of these days, Alex, your pretty little head is going to fall off from all that needless worrying."
"I'm sure you'll be there to sew it back on."
"Hah. I might do it backwards just to muck with you. Here," Ling got up and walked around to her briefcase. "Take the book and knock yourself out."
"I'm not even going to acknowledge that." Alex added it to her pile of intra and extracurricular reading she had been catching up on.
"So she's really one of the last red hot lovers, huh?" Ling followed the sound, and shook her head at the growing stack of DH Lawrence, Henry Miller, Balzac, de Sade and others.
"From what I gathered..."
"Well, look at it this way: At least you two can be the last of something together!" She exclaimed with glee and flopped back down onto the couch.
"I'm glad you think it's so funny."
"One day you will, too, Alex."
"I doubt it."
"You will. For your sake, and my sanity, I just hope that day comes soon." She winked at her friend, who let out a silent sigh, relieved that her free therapy session was finally over.
**It was kind of funny thinking back.** Alex shook her head, a smile lingered in her eyes. **And Ling was right. I didn't need any instructions. Couldn't have learned love from a study guide.** She traced along Olivia's mouth with the tip of her finger, and grinned when her lover responded to the feathery touch with a light moan. **Although the book was quite enlightening...** The smirk came back again.
To Alex, falling in love with Olivia was one of the easiest things she had ever done. She didn't even notice it happening. By the time she realized it, she was already in too deep. **I guess you loved me back then, too.** She smiled, recalling again the sweet voice and gallant gesture. **And all the rough patches... I think they only made our love stronger.** She rested a gentle hand on her lover's shoulder. Fair features brightened, when a large hand reached up in sleep to cover hers. **Everything just felt so simple, so very, very right...**
Even the first time they made love...
There were no special occasions to commemorate, no hurt that needed comforting. It was just a restful Saturday afternoon. They were in Olivia's neighborhood with time to kill. And Olivia thought it would be a good time to give Alex a tour.
**I wasn't even thinking about it that day. I just knew at some point it would happen. And whenever that might be, it would be...
**Now, when I think about that afternoon, everything gets blurry. Sometimes, when I'm not paying attention, an image would hit. Sometimes, it's a sequence of images. Clear as day. Usually I'm on my way to or from work, or sitting at my desk. Thank goodness it never happened in open court.
**I was shocked to find out you have a twin bed. How do you fit two people in this thing? I joked, and flopped down in it. Not thinking.
**You sat on the edge of your bed, looking down at me from the side like you often did when you leaned against my desk. Your hands with short, perfectly manicured fingernails resting on your knees. Strong powerful hands that I've seen bring down hardened criminals, gentle loving hands that comforted wounded children...
**You don't know how often I had imagined them on me...**
"I don't. Well, I didn't."
**You mean I get to be your bed's first? I asked, half teasing, half sighing.
**You took my hand, and brushed your lips so very lightly along my lifeline. I watched, as you pressed a kiss to my palm... and my heart skipped...
**You have no idea just how many times I had wished your mouth on mine...**
"You can, if you want to."
**How I wanted to. I never actually said, but I think my soul screamed it loud enough the whole world heard. You did. I know you did.
**And I couldn't wait to undress you.
**Lean lines and tight muscles. Powerful and protective, yet feminine and nurturing. Such economy of movement with such cat-like grace...
**I couldn't wait to feel your body on mine...
**I wanted peace and craved anarchy.
**Did you feel it? Did you see that need in my eyes when you gave me both?
**Do you?
**I know you watch me when we make love...
**Me with my guards down, completely exposed...
**I hope you like what you see.
**I do.
**It's a liberating feeling... This fixed immutable sense of perfect, boundless happiness...** That no words in her vocabulary could describe.
**Perhaps Daddy was right about love and heartbreaks... But maybe love is not really love until it is vulnerable... Maybe...**
Alex bent down, and kissed Olivia on the lips, until they responded to the gentle pressure. She smiled when deep brown eyes met hers. "Happy Thanksgiving, Liv," she whispered, and brushed back an errant lock of hair from her lover's face.
**************************************************************************************************************
I met her as a blossom on a stem
Before she ever breathed, and in that dream
The mind remembers from a deeper sleep:
Eye learned from eye, cold lip from sensual lip.
My dream divided on a point of fire;
Light hardened on the water where we were;
A bird sang low; the moonlight sifted in;
The water rippled, and she rippled on.
She came toward me in the flowing air,
A shape of change, encircled by its fire.
I watched her there, between me and the moon;
The bushes and the stones danced on and on;
I touched her shadow when the light delayed;
I turned my face away, and yet she stayed.
A bird sang from the center of a tree;
She loved the wind because the wind loved me.
Love is not love until love's vulnerable.
She slowed to sigh, in that long interval.
A small bird flew in circles where we stood;
The deer came down, out of the dappled wood.
All who remember, doubt. Who calls that strange?
I tossed a stone, and listened to its plunge.
She knew the grammar of least motion, she
Lent me one virtue, and I live thereby.
She held her body steady in the wind;
Our shadows met, and slowly swung around;
She turned the field into a glittering sea;
I played in flame and water like a boy
And I swayed out beyond the white seafoam;
Like a wet log, I sang within a flame.
In that last while, eternity's confine,
I came to love, I came into my own.
The Dream, Theodore Roethke