TITLE: WHAT CHANGE
E-MAIL: adrienne_miranda@yahoo.com
FANDOM: SVU
PAIRING: Alex Cabot / Olivia Benson
DATE: October 28, 2003 to December 10, 2003
FEEDBACK: Yes, please. We’d love to know whether you like this or not!!!
ARCHIVE: Ok, just let us know where.
RATING: Nothing beyond TV-level-graphic-ness. If same-sex relationships bother you though, you might want to read something else.
LEGAL STUFF: Copyrighted 2003 by Adrienne Lee and Miranda Rafferty. Non-original characters, if applicable, are used without permission under “Fair Use” doctrine. Authors reserve all rights attached to all original aspects of this work. This is a work of fiction.
SUMMARY FOR STORY: “… So the years went by, I stayed the same, but she began to drift away, I was left alone, still I waited for the day, when she'd say I will always love you…” When she loved me, from Toy Story 2
SPOILER: Post “Loss”. There also might be other bits and pieces from various episodes.
NEXT STORY: BESIDES WHAT HOPE
Olivia stared at the throwaway phone for several minutes. The display switched, signaling the end of the call. She blinked, couldn't quite believe her eyes. Nor her ears. She retrieved the oft called number, and was going to hit 'send'. Then she thought better, and put the phone back in the cradle.
How did things go so wrong so quickly? They were laughing and talking. Then, without warning, Alex hit her with an ultimatum, and hung up the phone.
**Don't you know how important you are to me?
**What do you want from me?
**Will we ever talk again?**
Alex had sounded tired and dejected, not angry. There was no fire and no emotion, just... nothing. Olivia would have preferred anger to this.
"Do you even care anymore?" That one thought haunted Olivia, as she replayed their conversation over and over again.
Finally, the day broke. She got up, showered, dressed, and headed to work.
***************************************************************************************************************
"Olivia? Hey Benson, you in there?" Captain Cragen asked. He tapped her on the shoulder and she looked up startled. There were tears in her eyes and she seemed completely lost.
"My office. Now."
"Capt'n, I'm okay." She tried to argue. The expression on his face told her it was pointless. She dragged herself out of her chair and followed him, closing the door behind her.
"I'll make this short." He leaned against his desk and picked up a case file. "You have a choice: Make an appointment with one of the department psychiatrists, or I'll make it for you." He ordered, without looking up.
"I'm fine, Captain." She said quietly.
"Olivia, today. Before you leave today, I want you to talk with someone." He caught her eye, and demanded.
"I really don't think..." She tried again.
He didn't let her finish. "Have you allowed yourself to grieve?"
"For what, Captain?" She put on a brave, I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about face. "There's nothing for me to grieve."
"Fine. I'm not here to argue with you." He slammed the folder onto his desk. Hard.
Olivia jerked reflexively in her seat.
"I know you're under a tremendous amount of stress. With the cases, and all the other things we won't discuss." The captain looked at her humorlessly. "I want you to talk to someone who can help you, before you crack under the strain." He stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, "You're one of the finest detectives I've ever known, but you're falling apart."
He shook his head to preempt another denial.
"One minute you're up, the next minute you're down. And when's the last time you had a straight 8 hours of sleep? I'm worried about you, Olivia. I'd rather not have to put you on medical suspension, but I will if I have to. Go talk to someone today. It's an order, Benson." He squeezed her shoulder and then let go.
The detective got up and left his office. Without saying a word to anyone, she headed out of the squad room. Although everyone wanted to help, they knew it was better to just keep quiet.
***************************************************************************************************************
Later that morning, Olivia came back to her desk. She slumped down in her chair and stared off into space.
"You okay?" Elliot ventured.
Olivia stood up and asked, "Got a few minutes?"
"Sure. You wanna talk?" He offered.
"Not here. Let's go get some lunch, I'll buy." She picked up her jacket and waited for him.
They walked in silence to the diner near their precinct.
"The captain said I had to talk to someone." Olivia began after they placed their order.
"Liv, I'm sure he didn't mean me."
"Technically, I am talking to someone. 'Sides, I'd rather talk to you than one of the department shrinks." She justified.
Elliot looked at her somewhat insulted. She caught his expression and grimaced, "I'm sorry, that didn't come out right. You know me better than anyone, and I trust you."
"It's okay." He smiled supportively. "You wanna tell me what's bothering you?"
"Well, you never asked and I never told. Right?" She laughed nervously, hoping humor would bring her courage.
Her partner just cocked his head, and waited for her to continue.
"It's about her... and me..." Olivia uttered quietly. **God, why is it so hard...**
"Her. You mean..."
"Yes, Jaime. Jaime O'Brien."
"Jaime O'Brien?" Elliot pursed his lips, bobbed his head left and right, and lifted his eyebrows. She knew he was contemplating Alex being Irish.
"Yes, that's her name."
"Sure, ok." He nodded and smiled, as if to say 'I can see that.'
"We've been ... uhm." Olivia shifted uncomfortably, "Involved. For a long time."
Elliot inclined his head slightly, "Yeah?"
"So you know?"
"Liv... Who doesn't..." He left the sentence unfinished.
"Really?" Olivia tried to act surprised.
Elliot saw right through her.
"Oh." She sighed. "I don't know how to talk about this... It isn't easy."
"As cliché as it may sound, why not start at the beginning of your trouble."
"Well, that would be Alex's death..." Olivia shook her head. It was useless. "You remember the 9-11 anniversary fundraising carnival?"
"The one Dickie dragged me to a coupla months ago? He threw up all over me after the Tilt-a-Whirl. How could I forget?" He laughed. "So you guys went?"
She nodded, "We weren't going to go. But then she told me she'd never been to a carnival."
"Never?"
"No. I guess she didn't have much of a childhood..." She pressed her lips together, and took a deep breath. Then began again, "So I thought I could show her around and we'd have fun."
"So, what did you do?"
"First, we went to the fun house. And we giggled over our distorted reflections. You know, the usual."
"Yeah, I almost lost my balance walking on those moving steps."
"We did, too." She chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. "Then, she tried her best to give me whiplash in the bumper cars."
"Sounds like you guys had a good time."
"We did. She even let me talk her into taking a ride on the merry-go-round." The twinkle in Elliot's eyes convinced Olivia to go on. "Then we argued over the merits of pink versus blue cotton candy."
"You two." He laughed heartily, "So who won?"
"We ended up sharing a purple one."
"So what else did you do?" He had to know she was stalling.
"At some point, I tried to get her to let the barker guess her weight."
"You're way braver than me." Elliot cracked up. "Or stupider. Did she cream you?"
Olivia nodded, "Right on the arm. And she told me if I wanted someone's weight guessed so badly, to have him guess my own." She rolled her eyes, "So we passed."
"Yup. I would've done the same."
"We tried our skill at ring toss, darts, and electronic horse-racing..." Olivia ran her fingers through her hair, and stared out the window. "The day really couldn't have been better." She looked back down at her food. "Then she wanted to go see the fortune teller, and tried to get me to go..."
"Did you?"
"No, I just stayed outside. When she came out, she was all smiles..." She inhaled deeply, and put forth a crooked simper, "So, I asked her if she found out anything she liked." Olivia told her partner.
"Did she?" Stabler grinned, amused.
"She said she would meet someone with dark hair and wears a uniform, and fall madly in love." She shook her head, "What a load of crap, right?"
Elliot curled his lips upward, "Probably."
"So, everything was going great, Elliot. We came off the ferris wheel ride and went back to the midway." She took a sip of water, and continued, "I saw this dumb baseball game. You know, the one where you throw a ball and win a prize."
"Yeah, the only game I'm good at."
"Well, I knocked down the damn bottles and won this huge lion."
"For Jaime?"
"That's what the carnie asked." Olivia sighed wearily. "Actually, she asked if I won it for my girl, and started to hand it to... Jaime. And I... I just froze up..." She picked at her salad. "I said it was for my niece."
"Jeez, Liv." His look said 'how could you', but instead he waited for his partner to continue.
"She looked hurt, and then angry. Then she turned around and headed for the car." Olivia rattled on, "The carnie gave me this stupid smile and said I could stay and keep her company."
"You didn't."
"Of course not. Christ, Elliot." She gave him a wounded look. "I grabbed the lion, and ran after her. I tried to talk to her the whole time we drove back to her place... But she... She just shut me out... And when we got to her building, she just left without a word..."
"Wow, Liv." He rubbed his hand over his face. "Wow."
"We made up later." She responded hopefully.
"And everything was fine?"
"I think so..."
"Are you sure, Liv? I'd be in the dog house..." He decided not to go on.
"Well." She knitted and unknitted her brows, "We seemed fine," and released a sigh. "Then she got shot... And everything went to hell in a hand basket. Now we're finally talking..."
"Your mystery phone." It was more for confirmation than question.
She nodded, "We've talked every night since... It was just like old times, Elliot. Everything's perfect..."
"And?"
"And then last night..." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "She told me she loves me..."
***************************************************************************************************************
"I love you, Olivia." Alex said.
She didn't say anything at first, and then responded with "You're very important to me, Al... Jaime."
"I'm what, Olivia? Your job is important to you. Paying your bills on time is important to you. Answering letters from the IRS is important to you."
"That's not how I meant it, and you know it." She shot back, "Quit putting words in my mouth. And stop being a lawyer."
"You never even told Elliot about us."
"There are just some things you don't talk to anyone about."
"Not even your partner."
"No. He doesn't need to know everything that's going on with my private life."
"When we went out drinking he always made sure I sit next to you. He always looked away when you and I talked."
"Like when?"
"Like the night Agent Donovan died, when you asked me to stay with you. I'm sure Elliot knows." She leveled her voice, "Don't ask, don't tell, Olivia? We weren't in the military."
"No. But it's not like Elliot goes on and on about Kathy."
"At least you know he's married."
"Of course I know he's married. He's got a wedding ring on."
"Exactly, he let everyone knows about his marriage. He's proud of Kathy."
"I'm proud of you, too."
"Are you, really? You have a funny way of showing it. You couldn't even admit to a perfect stranger we were together." She sounded almost resigned.
"The carnie..."
"The other night you told me Casey Novak asked about your boyfriend..." Alex continued.
"Yeah? What does that have to do with anything?"
"You could have told her about us, Olivia."
"I don't see why that's any of her business."
"She could have been a friend for you, if you let her." She sighed audibly. "I assure you Serena had already told her about us."
"You told Serena?" Olivia accused.
"Serena's one of the few friends I have... that I had. So what if I did?" The fire was there for a moment, then it was gone again. "But no, I didn't tell her... Am I just your dirty little secret? Are you ashamed of your feelings for me?"
Olivia had expected tears, maybe even angry tears. Instead Alex just asked quietly, "Do you even have feelings for me?"
"That's not fair, and you know it. You know how I feel about you."
"Actually, no, I don't know how you feel about me. You've never exactly told me."
"Sweetheart..."
"Olivia, I'm tired. Tired of arguing with you. Tired of worrying about how you feel... of putting your feelings over my own." She took a deep breath, "I think I need some time to decide what I want for my life."
***************************************************************************************************************
"Then she hung up." Olivia whispered, her voice shaking. "I was up the rest of the night... actually, the rest of the morning... I don't know what to do, Elliot..." She massaged her temples.
"I don't know what your problem is." He sounded almost cross. "Do you want a relationship with Jaime?" He demanded, and watched for her reaction.
"Isn't that obvious?" She snapped.
"Apparently not to her!" He fired back, then reigned in his anger, "Are you afraid of the commitment?" He asked gently.
"I don't know." She said and hung her head. "She's not even here."
"So? Yours won't be the first long distance relationship."
"When she needed me I couldn't even protect her. I just watched her bleed." She stared at her open palms, "I felt her slip away, Elliot."
"Liv..."
She squeezed her hands into tight fists. "I'm a cop, and I couldn't even keep her safe. What good am I to her?"
"You can't blame yourself for what Zapata or Velez did."
"And you know how I feel about my past... where I come from..." She looked up at her partner, "I... What if I hurt her one day..."
"Haven't we been down this road enough times?" He expelled a deep breath. "I don't think either one's the problem, Olivia. It may be what you're convincing yourself with. I think you're afraid it won't work out. Afraid you'll get into something you can't control. And you'll hurt Jaime. Or worse, get hurt yourself." He finished quickly, then waited, as if expecting her to punch him.
"We were perfect together. It was comfortable. She understood the job. I don't know why she had to make it so complicated."
"How, Olivia? By getting hurt?"
"No!" She responded vehemently. "She couldn't have helped that."
"By telling you she loves you?"
"Well..."
"God, Olivia. You're mad at her because it isn't just all fun and mindless sex anymore?"
"Of course not. If I were that shallow, would you be here talking with me?"
"So why are you mad at her?"
"I don't know, Elliot. I'm not sure if I'm really mad at her... It's just that she never pushed... Not until now."
"Liv," Elliot looked pained, "Everyone and everything she knows just got ripped away from her. You're her anchor. More now than ever."
"I suppose..."
"You never do anything without your eyes wide open, Olivia. You let her care about you. And you let her fall in love with you."
She tried to deny it, but thought better.
"Look. You let your walls down. You let her in. She knows you probably better than I know you."
"I don't think that's possible, Elliot."
"Sure it is. She just tiptoes around your feelings. While I give you a swift kick when you need it.
"You laugh, Liv. And I'll bet she even makes your day a little brighter, your flowers bloom a little wider."
"Gee, I didn't realize you're such a poet."
He just shook his head, "You two are like PB&J. You shouldn't have one without the other. Face it. She has your heart and it scares you half to death."
"I had a gun to my head, Elliot. I looked at Death straight in the eye, and I didn't blink."
"Don't remind me." He winced, still sorry he wasn't there for her. "So, your own death might not be your biggest fear. But just because you are trained to not acknowledge your fear, doesn't mean you don't feel it." The determination in his eyes told her to let him finish. "You know about all my fears... and I feel them every day and every night. But I don't let these feelings stop me, Liv."
She contemplated her salad, and said quietly, "I don't know, Elliot, maybe you're right."
"Olivia, what you wanna do is up to you. But I wouldn't wait too long to decide. Jaime never struck me as a patient woman."
Elliot returned to his sandwich, to let her think about his last comment. After he finished his food, he took a large gulp of water and swallowed it noisily. Then he let out an exasperated sigh.
"What?"
"God, I can't believe we just had this conversation, Olivia."
"Why?"
"I thought you guys would've gotten hitched by now. Kathy's convinced that you did but you just didn't tell us."
Olivia didn't respond. Instead, she spent the next several minutes rearranging the vegetables in her bowl.
"You ready to go?" She put down her fork and asked, tossing some money down.
Elliot gathered his coat and followed her out the door. They walked back to the station silently.
Olivia had closed the door to her inner self again...
***************************************************************************************************************
The rest of the day passed like any other day in the squad room. The detectives ran down leads on cases they were working on, searching and cross-referencing information to see what turned up.
Olivia was preoccupied with thoughts of Alex. The more she thought about it, the less sure she was of anything.
As night approached, the station got progressively empty. Elliot went home to his wife and family. Fin and Munch decided it was boys' night out. Even the Captain had something to do. Olivia sat alone at her desk, trying unsuccessfully to concentrate on work. Finally, she shut off her computer, put away her files, and headed home.
She walked into her apartment and threw her jacket on a chair. Out of habit, she glanced towards her bedroom, half expecting to see Alex reading or already asleep. Then she remembered she had once again forgotten to turn off the nightlight.
She headed into the kitchen, and thought about eating; but she wasn't really hungry. Absentmindedly, she reached into the cabinet under her kitchen counter, and pulled out a bottle of wine... Noting with sadness that it was the Pomerol she bought to surprise Alex. She uncorked it and took out a wine glass, and poured it full.
"Cheers, Olivia." She toasted herself and tossed the wine back in a large gulp, surprised by how voluptuous and approachable the vintage was. It didn't seem so long ago that she was strictly a beer and hard lemonade kind of girl.
She wiped her chin with her palm, and carried the glass and the bottle to the living room. She sat down on the couch, her makeshift cot for the last two months. She tried hard to avoid the love seat just as she did her bed. And turned on the TV. She flipped the channels until something colorful and animated came on, and put it on mute. Then, she turned the radio to an easy listening station and closed her eyes.
She settled back and slowly drank her bordeaux. The low light, soft music, and lush alcohol worked their magic. Finally, tight muscles began to relax and the stress of the last 24 hours started to ease away. She finished another glass of wine, and was working on a third, when the song on the radio brought her up short.
"When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful,
every hour we spent together
lives within my heart."
One night, too wired to sleep, but too tired to do anything else, they happened onto the Disney movie channel-surfing. It was the last movie they watched together... Not long before Alex left...
So much of their past came rushing back. And Olivia tried to fight the flood of memories, but she failed miserably. So many evenings they spent in front of the fireplace in each other's arms... The quiet conversations about everything and nothing consequential... The excitement in Alex's voice when they talk about things they would do on the weekend, restaurants they would try out and galleries they would visit...
She had gotten so used to them... gotten so accustomed to having Alex in her life...
"And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears,
and when she was happy so was I
when she loved me."
It felt so good to be needed, so good to be the person Alex turned to for comfort...
Like when the thirteen year-old boy was sentenced to life in prison while the actual murderer got tried in family court... That night, Alex showed up devastated, crying. And Olivia just held her tight, and consoled her, until she fell into exhausted sleep.
It sounded like Jaime now had the chance to right some of the system's injustice. Maybe she could now avoid the kind of cases that had taken such a terrible toll on her. It had made Olivia sad to see Alex become more hardened yet increasingly vulnerable through her tenure in SVU...
It now scared her that maybe Jaime wouldn't need her anymore...
Of course, there was always the rare case when they caught the perp, collected all the right evidence, and had a fair judge. And the guilty got what they deserved, and the victim, a modicum of closure and legal vengeance. On those days, they would feel like they had done their job and that perhaps there was justice in the world. On those wonderful days, it made Olivia happy to see Alex smile and laugh... To celebrate, they would go out for drinks and dinner, sometimes a show... And they would come home for a night of passion and joy.
**Will these wondrous days in your life... in Jaime's life... still include me?**
"Through the summer and the fall
we had each other, that was all,
Just she and I together
like it was meant to be."
How did she and Alex get so close, so deeply attached. **How did I let it happen?**
**I've always kept people at arm's length. Always been so private about myself... about my life...**
If someone knew anything personal about Olivia, it was mostly from observation, and their own deduction... **Or they caught me in a weak or drunken moment...**
That was Olivia's rule for everyone. **Everyone, except you...
**Not only did I let you in. I made sure all the walls were down. So you could see the real me.
**You don’t think I go around singing Bugs Bunny to just anyone, do you?
**I wanted you to see who I really am... Needed you to know who you were falling in love with...
**I broke my greatest rule with you, Alex...
After the royal mess with Cassidy, Olivia stopped going out with anyone from work. There were so many reasons not to get involved. Fights never stayed at home. Too much time together made people lose their professionalism. Intimacy blinded objectivity. There could potentially be so many problems. And she could certainly do without the gossip.
**And I tried to stay away. God knows I tried. But it was so hard. You made it so hard...
**Or maybe I should say you made it so easy...
**And so what did I do? I flirted with you. Shamelessly, I might add. I'm sure you'll agree.
**Did you know I even used work as an excuse to switch our lunch dates to dinner dates? That I made up reasons to owe you favors, favors I could repay by taking you out to movies and stuff? I was pathetic.
**I tried my best to make sure every open spot on your planner had my initials in it. Every damn one. Did you know how happy I was when I found out you stopped penciling me in? I was thrilled...
**Thrilled to be a part of your life you could count on...
**That I could count on...**
"And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
and I knew that she loved me."
**You and I, we grew up so differently. When I was playing with dolls, you were learning about social duty. I always knew my mom loved me, even though she had every reason not to. I know sometimes you wonder if your mother loves you... She does, very much. I'll have to remember to tell you when we talk again...
**If we talk again...
**I'm so sorry I made you feel like you had to hide a part of yourself from your friends... I know it isn’t easy for you to get close to people...
**And here you are, in a new city. You don't know anyone. And you're still worrying whether I'm sharing my problems with Elliot, whether I make friends with your replacement.
**What about you? Are you letting other people share your troubles?
**It had taken me a while to recognize that look in your eyes... when the other ADA's cancelled lunch or girls' night out because your cases were too controversial, or too popular with the press.
**And somehow I've always managed to be there for you... to hold you...
**I'm ashamed to admit it, but a part of me was happy that you needed me. Me and nobody else.
**And the cases. The cases you fought so hard to win. Sometimes even when you’ve won, you lost. And sometimes you just lost. I can still see you going through those trials over and over in your head, wondering if there were something else you could have done. Or something you could have done differently...
**You even risked your career, your law license, to help us do our job. I used to think it was you and I against the world. It certainly seemed that way sometimes.
**We worked so well together... We even had more things in common than I'd ever thought possible. And I learned so much from you, Alex. I'm so glad you wanted to share the things I like. It's silly, but I really missed reading the Sunday funny paper in bed with you...
**It still amazes me how we both managed to carve out more and more time to spend together. Sure, work still came first, but I cherished every moment I had alone with you.
**Don't ever tell Elliot, but he was right, you do make my days brighter. I even noticed flowers blooming in window boxes, and children playing hopscotch on the sidewalk... How sappy of me, huh?
**And for a while there, I've even stopped trying to strangle my life into submission.
**Then why is it so hard for me to admit I love you? When I've just gone on and on about all the reasons we love each other?
**Do you remember last Valentine's Day? And the book of Emily Dickinson's poetry I gave you? Of course you do, what am I saying... I checked so many bookstores for an edition that had that poem. When I finally found it at the Strand, I got so excited, I'm sure the sales clerk thought I was crazy...
**And I was going to tell you then that I love you...
**But then I started to think... What if those people were right, and I was wrong, that once you said the word, it dies? That would be bad. Really, really bad. I couldn't handle the possibility. So I chickened out... It was stupid, I know.
**And the only thing going through my head the night you got shot, was that I might never get the chance to tell you how much I love you...
**You see, I've always thought if we couldn't grow old together, it would be because I got stupid, and ended up in a body bag. I always worried about what would happen to you then. And I started making sure I don't take any unnecessary risks...
**It never ever occurred to me that I would be the one dealing with the loss... Never ever.
**And I didn't do so well that night. Your mother could tell you that, if she hadn't already...
**So, finally, we're talking again... and I have you back. At least sort of...
**And you tell me you love me.
**And all I could say was 'you're important to me'... I just panicked, and I hoped it was enough. I don't know why I ever thought that same old line would be enough.
**It isn't enough for me either.
**Elliot was right. I'm such a coward... But it's not because I just suddenly realized you have my heart. I knew that long time ago...
**I just got scared. You see, I've been thinking... You're there and I'm here. Neither one of us know when you can come back… I don’t know if you’ll even want to come back…
**And when you need comforting, I can't just come over. I can't just hold you like I used to...
**I'm just being realistic. What if you found someone who could be there for you, when I couldn't...
**How long? How long will we stay together this time? Will I lose you again?
**And this time because you decided you don't need me in your life?
**I don't think I can handle losing you again...
**And I thought... If I didn't say it, then maybe it won't hurt as much later on. Look, I never claimed to have a high EQ, especially when it comes to love.
**So, here we are. The ball’s in my court.
**Should I beg for a second chance?**
"Will you ever forgive me?" Olivia asked aloud. Her fingers closed around the pendant at her throat, her half of the matching necklace Alex's mother gave them last Christmas. She remembered her own cheeks flaming when Mrs. Cabot announced at the dinner table how happy she was that her daughter had finally found somebody who could see past her stubbornness and competitiveness, and love her in spite of them.
"I could have told you how I feel then... I should have." Her tears swelled as she recalled all the chances Alex had already given her. They fell freely at the memory of comforting embrace at the end of the day, of gentle blue eyes that assured her that everything would be all right, of soft lips that kissed away her doubts and showed her she was worth loving.
She pulled at the white gold chain, wondering if the delicate links would break, and felt it tightened around her heart.