CONFESSIONS
by Miranda Rafferty
I know you wondered why all I said was "Take care" before the marshals took you away. I wondered about it myself. I wasn't even sure I believed my own eyes, much less what I was hearing.
I watched you get shot, saw you lying there, touched you and felt the blood pump out between my fingers. It felt as if it burned my hands, it was your life flowing out and nothing I tried seemed to stop it. I look back and I remember trying to push it back in. I just babbled on telling you everything was going to be okay, to just hang on. I screamed at the people on the sidewalk watching to call 911 even though I knew somewhere in the back of my head Elliot had already called for the bus. It was all some horrible nightmare that just wouldn't go away.
I rode with you in the ambulance to the hospital, they weren't going to let me go at first, but it must have been something you said or the wild look in my eyes that changed their minds. They let me on, and you never let go of my hand even when they were working on you, I'm sure I was in the way but the EM never said a word.
Elliott came later and tried to comfort me, but I was inconsolable and when I thought you were dead, as ashamed of it as I am, I ran, not caring or knowing where my feet took me. I ran for what seemed like hours, I didn't really remember what I thought, only that it kept running through my mind like some mad action movie, and instead of being the hero I should have been, I failed you, utterly and completely. I don't know if I ran because I thought you were dead, or because I didn't keep you safe.
The doorman at your building finally called a cab and sent me home. I have no memory of how I got upstairs or much after that until the next morning, I showered, dressed and went to work. I found sanity in my routine and work, those things were tangible, they didn't require thinking only an ability to follow routine. I'm good at following routines and what I know, work is safe in an odd sort of way. I understand my work, it's life I have trouble with.
I'm not sure how I got through the next two days, but when the Feds told us to meet them out on a deserted road in bumfuck we did. I never expected to see you, I thought you were lying in a coffin somewhere on ice. Waiting for your funeral the next day, crying myself to sleep the first night, well I just kept working after that. Anytime I was alone though, I cried. So I made sure I was around someone the rest of the time, no more crying, only pretending my reason for living wasn't gone.
That was my real fear, how was I going to go on without you. I couldn't last for an hour alone without falling apart. I certainly didn't know how I was going to last a full day without you, much less the rest of my life.
Regrets? Oh yeah, I had a whole boat load of those, make it a super tanker of regrets, and now well, I'll never get to say any of them, except to a decaying box in the ground, covered by 3x6 worth of earth. Death sucks, not just for the one who died but for all of those they leave behind. Your death sucked the life right out of me, and no one could put it back but you. So I did the only thing I could do, I went back to work.Elliott drove, I didn’t trust myself behind the wheel of a scooter much less a police sedan. Neither one of us said a word, thank God for Elliott he understood me well and kept his silence, I can never thank him enough for that.
We pulled up to find three cars and a big black SUV, we parked behind them and got out. The feds met us and motioned us to follow. Stopping before the SUV, the marshal opened the door and there you stood. We didn’t say much to each other. I muttered something stupid about your funeral being tomorrow and you said you were sorry.
You probably wonder why all I said was take care. My mind was in a shambles to begin with and here you were alive. My heart almost leapt out of my body in joy, I certainly didn’t believe what I was seeing, I watched you get shot, the newspaper reports of your death, and the scheduled public funeral, and your Mother devastated. It was surreal and I didn’t quite believe it. My mind must be playing tricks on me, granting me what I so desperately wanted, you alive and back in my life.
You were talking to me and to Elliott and he must think you’re real, although I think he had a better grasp on his sanity than I did at the time. I loved you so much, but what I had gone through the last two days and all you could say was I’m sorry. I thought you were dead, don’t you realize what that did to me. I was worse than devastated.
I know you were hurting in every way possible, but you let me believe you were dead. I thought you loved me, that’s a hell of way to show it. Maybe they wouldn’t let you call me, but you could have let me know some way, I could have carried it off, I’d die trying to protect you, don’t you know that. I was so happy to see you alive, so angry about how I had been deceived, and now you tell me you're leaving me again, you don’t know when you’ll be back. Witness Protection Program, that means you’re as good as dead, I found myself in shock again, or still, I’m not sure what I was really. I do know for an awful moment I thought, you should have just let me believe you were dead, so the agony of finding you only to lose you again wouldn’t hurt so damn bad.
That’s why I only said "Take care." It was the only thing I could trust myself to say, I didn’t want you to hate me for something I said in a moment of grief and anger. It passed as quickly as it came, but by then you were already in that damnable rolling fortress again and the marshal was closing the door. I remember my last look at you, you were crying and your face wore as desolate an _expression as I felt. Found only to be lost again, I tried to say everything I felt. I loved you with all my being, my world was barren without you, and in my heart of hearts I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Take care was the best I could do.
October 11, 2004